Traditons...They're More than Just the Holidays!

When you hear the words, Family Traditions, what comes to mind? For many of us, we think of the holidays we celebrate. Whether your family celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Ramadan or Diwali or any of the other amazing holidays from around the world, the traditions around these holidays are important. Children learn about their culture, heritage and possibly religion through holiday traditions. 

It is important to remember that traditions go beyond just what we do for the holidays. According to Meg Cox, author of The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Rituals for Holidays and Every Day, traditions are "anything big or small, that families perform together deliberately, providing there is repetition or dramatic flourish that elevates the activity above the ordinary grind." Cox further explains, "even simple activities can be transformed into a satisfying and memorable rituals, such as singing a certain song whenever you give your child medicine, or always declaring an evening study break for hot cocoa on winter weeknights." 

Family traditions have many benefits for children. 

• Family traditions create good memories. Think back to your own childhood. What positive memories do you have? More than likely these memories are connected to family traditions. My mom took us camping during summers when I was a child. These camping trips always included a lot of fun whether it was sitting around the campfire making smores or riding our bikes or playing games around the campsite. 
• Family traditions builds consistency. Kids like know what will happen and what to expect. In fact, they thrive on these things. Traditions help build this consistency. 
• Family traditions connect us together. One of our family's traditions is to have family meals together. As my kids have grown these don't happen every night, but it is still a priority for us. Family meals are a time for us to connect with our kids and hear about their days and when they were young, we shared our highs and lows during dinner. Building these connections are extremely beneficial. Studies show that kids who are able to cope with challenges in life are the ones who are bonded and close to their families. 
• Family traditions help build our sense of identity. Our traditions tell us who we are and what we do as a family. Playing kickball in our yard is a big tradition at my house. Our family has a healthy sense of competition. We like to compete with one another through games and sports. Our after-dinner kickball games throughout the summer helped foster this in our kids. They have carried that sense of competition into other parts of their lives, whether competing to do well in school or working hard to achieve their goals in their favorite sports. 
• Family traditions help teach family values. The traditions we do with our families help communicate our values to our children. One tradition my family had was our annual toy review. We would go through all of the toys in the house and determine if it was something the kids still played with. Any toys that they had outgrown were then donated. Now that our kids are older and don't really have toys, we have switched to adopting a family during the holidays to help make sure the family has a special holiday. Our kids look forward to this every year and know that it is important to us to share what we have with others. 
• Family traditions give us something to look forward to. Prior to Covid, my husband traveled a lot for his work. A few years ago, he started a tradition of taking each one of our kids and at least one of their friends on one of his work trips. They would spend a few extra days doing fun activities. Our kids and their friends looked forward to this trip every year. This is such an important tradition for our family that after having to skip it the summer of 2020, we ended taking all five of us plus five of my kids' friends on a trip to San Diego this summer! My husband wasn't traveling enough to fit in three separate trips so we decided to do one big trip together so our kids wouldn't have to miss out on this for another year. 
• Family traditions are fun. Whether we are playing kickball in the yard or taking a trip or sitting down to eat a meal together, our family enjoys the time we spend together doing our family traditions. An added benefit to this fun component of family traditions is that participating can increase the positive mood of everyone in your family. This can make other more routine parts of your day easier to manage. 

Now that we have talked about why family traditions are so important, let's talk about how to start traditions for your family. 

• Turn part of a routine into a tradition. Our bedtime routine was very important for our kids when they were little. It included the usual things like brushing teeth, putting on pajamas and reading a book but each of our kids had their own special song that my husband and I sang to them before they went to sleep. This is what turned our routine into a tradition. 
• Keep it simple. Traditions do not have to be elaborate or complicated to be meaningful. Every time I drop my kids off before one of their sporting events, I give them a fist bump and say, "Play hard. Have fun." This may seem like something simple and almost meaningless, but I know that it is meaningful to my kids. In fact, just last night as I was heading out the door to go to my hockey game, my son said, "Hey mom, play hard. Have fun." 
• Do things that you enjoy. My family enjoys playing sports so many of our traditions are tied to playing sports together, like kickball in the yard. If your family enjoys music, have a dance party after dinner. If you enjoy art, spend time creating together as a family. 
• Volunteer as a family. Spend time helping others as a family. You can volunteer with various organizations, or you can do simple things like picking up trash in a neighborhood park or make a special treat to share with a neighbor. Not only can you have fun, but you are also teaching your children the importance of helping and being kind to others. 
• Spend time 1-on-1 with your child. Our family did monthly 1-on-1 dates. One month I would take each of my daughters out for a special date and my husband would take our son. The next month we would switch. These dates were simple. Sometimes we would go for a bike ride or to the park. Other times we would go out for ice cream or dinner. The important thing was our kids got to pick what we did, and we got to spend time 1-on-1 with each of our kids. 

The traditions you do with your children help to shape who they become. They build good memories and will quite possibly be something that your children continue to do with their own children someday. Remember, traditions aren't about doing more. Traditions are about taking what you are doing and being intentional about doing them. What are some of your family's favorite traditions? 

Gratitude, It Might Just be a Superpower!

Gratitude is more than just saying, "Thank you." In fact, it may just be a superpower. One that can make you and your children happier. The Journal of Happiness Studies found that by the age of 5 there is a connection between happiness and gratitude. In other words, teach your children gratitude and they may be happier people now and in the future. Another study published in the Journal of School Psychology found that "grateful children (ages 11 to 13) tend to be happier, more optimistic and have better social support. They also report more satisfaction with their school, families, communities, friends and themselves." 

And if this isn't enough to convince you that gratitude might be a superpower, studies in adults have shown benefits like, better mental and physical health, better sleep, higher levels of happiness and hopefulness and even longer lifespans. Research has also shown gratitude for past experiences can increase current levels of happiness and provide a more hopeful outlook on the future. Gratitude is a superpower that can have a tremendous impact on our lives and the lives of our kids. So, let's start teaching our kids how to be grateful from a young age. Here are some strategies to get you started. 

Teach your child to say, "Thank you." I know, I know. I just told you there is so much more to gratitude than saying thank you, but this a good place to start. The best way for kids to learn to say thank you is to hear us saying it too. Model saying thank you frequently. Thank the clerk at the store, the waiter at the restaurant, and thank your child too. You can also encourage your child to say thank you with gentle reminders. "What do you say to grandma for your new shirt" or "Your friend gave you a turn with the toy. Make sure you say thank you." When you hear your child say thank you be sure to provide positive feedback. "I really liked how you said thank you to your friend for having you over to play." 

Use gratitude questions to help your child think about what it means to be thankful. This is how we move beyond just saying, "thank you." We know that children and adults can fall into the trap of saying thank you because it is what is expected, not necessarily what they feel. Asking gratitude questions helps us truly understand what it means to be grateful. According to Very Well Mind, the Raising Grateful Children Project at UNC Chapel Hill has shown there are 4 parts to gratitude:

1. Noticing-identify the things you are grateful for
2. Thinking-giving thought to how you got those things
3. Feeling-recognizing the way you feel because of the things you have received
4. Doing-how do you show that you are grateful

As parents we tend to focus on how children show gratitude. According to Very Well Mind, "While 85% of parents said they prompted their kids to say, "thank you," only 39% encouraged children to show gratitude in ways that went beyond good manners. In addition, only a third of parents asked their child how a gift made them feel, and only 22% asked why they thought someone had given them a gift." We can ask the following questions from the UNC Researchers to help move our kids beyond just saying, "thank you," to being truly grateful. 

1. Notice-What do you have in your life to be grateful for? What can you be grateful for beyond just things you have? Who are the people in your life that you are grateful for?
2. Think-What do you like about this present? Why do you think the person gave you this gift? Should you give the person who gave you this gift something? 
3. Feel-How do you feel about this gift? Why do you feel this way?
4. Do-How can you show how you feel about this gift? What could you do to help someone else feel the same way? 

Do acts of kindness with your children. These can be small acts like holding the door open for people behind you to big acts like shoveling your neighbor's driveway in the winter. Be sure to talk about why we do nice things for other people. 

Model gratitude for your children. We know that kids learn a lot by watching us. They do what we do. If your children see you saying, "thank you," talking about being grateful, writing thank you notes and doing acts of kindness, they will be more like to do those things on their own. 

Use tools to help your family focus on gratitude. Work as a family to play games and create projects that help you talk about and show gratitude. One possible idea to implement a 30 Days of Gratitude calendar. 

For more gratitude activities and projects check our South Washington County Schools Early Learning Facebook page.

Make gratitude part of your daily routine. Set a specific time and choose a specific activity to help your family talk about and show gratitude on a daily basis. Some families like to have each family member share something they are grateful for during a family mealtime. Other families might incorporate an activity like this into bedtime. Having a gratitude routine helps make practicing gratitude a habit.

See the silver lining. Disappointing things happen to all of us. Look for things to be grateful for despite whatever difficulty is happening and point this out to your child. Your child can't play outside because of the weather. Tell them how you are happy you get to play board games with them instead. Ask your child to think of something good that could come for a difficult situation. 

Making gratitude a priority in your home will lead to many positive benefits, including higher levels of happiness, for you and your kids. What will you do today to start building gratitude in your home? 

Together is Better!

If you are anything like me, there are moments throughout your day where you feel frazzled and stressed. Grocery shopping, planning, and making meals, getting kids to and from practice, helping with homework and planning and preparing my work all tend to be things that for me can add to my daily stress. Sometimes all these things feel like they are happen at the same time, and while I might want to simply drop everything and dissolve into tears, I don't usually do that. I can utilize coping skills and tools to help me stay calm and navigate these tough moments. Sometimes it is taking a few deep breaths. I also use tools like online grocery shopping and curbside pick-up to make these chores less time consuming. Sometimes I phone a friend to talk it all out. 

Babies and young children have not yet developed these coping skills. This means that when they experience moments of stress, they are far more likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears or have a tantrum. They are overwhelmed by what is happening and crying out for help. It is in these moments that our child relies on us to be a soothing and calming presence. Zero to Three refers to this as "sharing your calm." Here are a few easy steps to follow to help you practice co-regulation with your child. 

Label your child's emotions. It is important to remember that what we might view as silly or frivolous can feel like a very big deal to our child. Do not dismiss your child's feeling. Label it. "You are so sad that your balloon popped." 

Build a connection with your child. For some children, that might be offering a hug. Other children might need you to get them their favorite stuffed animal or blanket. And other children might just need to know that you are nearby and ready to help once they are ready. You know your child best. Think about how they like to connect with you and use something similar when they are feeling these big emotions. 

Take slow deep breaths with your child. Children aged 2 and up are usually able to start taking deep breaths as a calming technique. Be sure to practice taking deep breaths when your child is already calm. Incorporate deep breathing into your daily routine. An easy way to teach deep breathing is to use Smell the Flower, Blow out the Candle. Hold up 5 fingers. Tell your child to smell the flower. Then blow out the candle slowly. Put down one finger. Repeat until all 5 fingers are down. You can also use deep breathing with younger children as well. Take deep breaths while holding your child. In the same way that babies and young children can sense when you are feeling stressed, they can also sense your calm. 

Use a calm, soothing voice as another way to "share your calm." Sing your child's favorite song while snuggling them. Give your child a back rub. Put your child in a safe place and stay close by while giving them time to work through their emotion. 

Let's be real. It is not always easy to use co-regulation. I know when my children were little it was hard to hear them cry or watch them have a tantrum. Sometimes I would feel stressed, anxious, mad, or overwhelmed. This would sometimes lead to me reacting by yelling, instead of responding calmly. Trust me when I tell you that when I reacted instead of responding calmly it was never helpful. In fact, it always made it worse for both me and my child. 

There are some steps parents should take before they try co-regulation with their child. Check how you are feeling. Are you feeling stressed, angry, or overwhelmed? Don't forget to check your physical state as well. Are you hungry, tired, or sick? Once you have checked yourself, do something to take care of yourself. Take a couple deep breaths to calm yourself. Release some tension by doing a few jumping jacks or shaking your arms around. Once you have taken care of yourself, you are ready to help your child. 

The next time your child is experiencing big emotions, try one of these suggestions to help "share your calm." Remember, these are just a few of the ways that we can help co-regulate our children. We would love to hear from you. What are some other ways you have found to "share your calm" with your child? 

Navigating Childhood Fears

It is very common during the toddler years for young children to develop fears. These fears can carry on through the preschool years and beyond. This time of year, there are many opportunities for young children to be exposed to scary things even if your family doesn't celebrate the upcoming Halloween holiday. Your child might see scary decorations just taking a walk around the neighborhood or during a trip to the store. Considering this, now seems like a good time to explore how young children develop fears and ways parents can help them deal with these fears. 

First let's take a look at why young children develop fears. 

• Toddlers' memories are improving. They can remember things that have happened in the past. Many years ago, my kids and I watched the movie, Soul Surfer. This movie tells the story of a young surfer who was attacked by a shark. While the movie was inspirational, my son also walked away with a newfound fear of sharks. Every time we went to a lake or the ocean, he would ask if there were sharks. He remembered what happened in the movie and worried it could happen to him. It didn't help that his sisters liked to tease him about fish biting him!
• Toddlers expect the world to be a certain way. When things don't match those expectations, it can be scary. Young children know what a person looks like. We have a face, body, arms, legs, etc. Seeing someone with a mask or costume on can be scary because they don't match your child's expectations and understanding of how the world should be. 
• Your child's imagination is growing and growing. This is a really good thing, but it can also lead to the development of fears. Young children are not able to tell the difference between what is real and what isn't. A monster from show they watch can appear in the shadows of their room at bedtime. 
• Toddlers are not logical. This means that when we try to explain away their fears with logical explanations they don't understand. 

Parents can help their child navigate their fears in a number or ways. 

• Sometimes parents are surprised by their child's fear or think the fear is silly. No matter what you think of their fear, reassure your child and let them know they are safe no matter what. 
• Label your child's fear. "You saw that monster statue and it scared you."
• Find ways to empower your child with tools to help them. If you child is afraid of the dark, let your child choose if they want a nightlight left on or the door opened with a light on in the hallway. 
• Prepare your child ahead of time if you know they might encounter something scary. Role play going to the doctor. Take turns being the doctor and the patient. Talk about what will happen at the doctor's office through this role play. 

Here are some things to avoid when helping your child navigate their fears. 

• Try not to laugh at your child's fear, even if you think it is silly. 
• Avoid telling your child not to be afraid or that something isn't scary. It is scary to them even if we don't think it is scary. 
• It can be tempting to force our children to be brave when they are afraid. Take baby steps to help them overcome their fear. If they are afraid of dogs, try asking your child if they would like to wave at the dog or pet the dog while you hold them. 

Childhood fears are very real and can be difficult to navigate. Just remember, you are your child's safe place. They need to be able to lean on you when they are feeling afraid. 

Lessons Learned from Parenting Together

Last week after a particularly long day, my best friend and I met up for a late dinner. Both of us had a similar day that included arguing with our sons about getting their homework done. I had the unreasonable expectation that my son needed to do his homework and study for a test before he went to his friend's house. Hopefully you read that last sentence with the right amount of sarcasm 😂. So, as we sat and commiserated with one another, the conversation turned to what our husbands were doing during this time. We both laughed and joked about how our husbands came in during the middle of all that was going on and didn't do a very good job of reading the room. In fact, my husband's off the cuff comment that normally would have made me laugh just irked me even more which is why a late dinner with my friend to blow off some steam was just what I needed. 

Now at this point I could spend the rest of this blog telling you funny stories about the things my husband has done through the years that have left me thinking, "19 years. You have been a parent for 19 years." However, that is not my goal. I actually want to talk about the lessons my husband and I have learned about parenting together that have made us more successful as parents. 

First, be consistent, but remember consistency is does not mean the same. When our kids were young, we had a consistent bedtime routine. The kids put on their pajamas and brushed their teeth. Then we would read a book or two, sing their songs and tuck them into bed. The way this routine was completed wasn't always the same depending on whether my husband or I were in charge. When daddy did bedtime, there was usually a race to see who could get their jammies on first. In general bedtime was a little more playful when daddy was in charge. There was usually a little bit of wrestling, tickling and even a few pretend body slams during the tucking in stage of the routine. The bedtime routine was a little more basic and calmer when I was in charge. Despite these differences, the routine was consistent, and the end result was our kids went to bed. 

The next important lesson we have learned is to be a unified team. Our rule is that if one of us disciplines our children, we back each other up even if we disagree with the reason or approach. This rule has taught our children that they can't pit us against each other. We would talk to one another in private after the situation was resolved if one of us disagreed with the other. This allowed us to get on the same page going forward. The only caveat to this rule is if you feel your partner is being neglectful or abusive. You need to put your foot down and stop what is happening if you feel something your partner is doing is physically or emotionally detrimental to your child. 

We have also found it is important to stand up for one another. There was a period time where my daughters would insist that their dad NEVER gave their brother consequences. He ALWAYS took their brother's side. I felt it was important to empathize with my daughters but also to stand up for my husband and point out times when he did give their brother a consequence or came to their defense when their brother was being a pill. And in return my husband has stood up for me when our kids were being unkind to me. 

Knowing our strengths and using them has also helped us be successful as parents. My husband is very good at using humor to diffuse situations. This was especially helpful when dealing with my middle daughter during her preschool years. There were frequent times when I purposely stepped back and let my husband manage her behavior because he was able to calm her or redirect her through humor which was very effective. On the other hand, I was able to manage my older daughter's big emotions more effectively because I listened and talked about her feelings before trying to problem-solve. My husband would jump right to problem-solving which would just lead to the two of them getting upset with one another. 

Another helpful lesson we learned is to give each other a break from parenting. I was a stay-at-home mom for 11 years and there were definitely days that were longer and harder than other days. These were the days where my husband would send me off by myself when he got home. Usually, I would take whatever book I was reading and go out to dinner by myself or meet up with a friend. We also found ways to support our own hobbies and interests. My husband has played soccer his entire life. When our kids were young, we made his soccer games a family affair. The kids and I went along to watch the games and cheer for him. We continue to set aside one night a week for him to play soccer. 

Finally, it is important make your relationship with your parenting partner a priority. My husband and I have found we are much happier and effective parents when we make our relationship a priority. How we do this has changed as our children have gotten older. We used to have a weekly stay-at-home date night. Once a week, after our kids were in bed, we would have a date at home. Sometimes this was a late dinner. Other times we would play a board game or cards. Our only rules were we couldn't watch tv or spend the time talking about parenting issues. Now that our kids our older, we can out for our dates. Usually this means a visit to a local brewery. 

What lessons have you learned so far during your parenting journey? Taking time to reflect on these lessons can further develop and create consistency with your parenting strategies. 

Roots & Wings

The Dalai Lama once said, "Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and a reason to stay." There are many different variations of this quote when it comes to children and parents. I am sure most of you have probably heard one of them before. This idea of roots and wings has been on my mind a lot lately. Over the past month, I have moved my oldest daughter back to college and my baby is starting his freshman year of high school. But the thing that really has me thinking about roots and wings, is the fact that my middle daughter had her last first day of high school last week. Somehow this sweet but stubborn little girl

has grown into this amazing young lady.

It has been a lot for my momma heart to handle. There have been some tears, worry and wishing for time to slow down largely on my part, not so much my kids. My kids are ready for these next big adventures. And that brings me to this idea of roots and wings. 

What does it truly mean to give our children roots and wings? I believe that roots are the core values and lessons we teach our children. Think of this in terms of answering the question "What traits do I want my child to have as an adult?" My answer to this includes kindness, respect, hardworking, responsible and so much more. These are the lessons and values we have tried to teach our children. I also believe roots are the sense that no matter what there are people who love and support them. We are their safe place to fall. Strong roots also help our children have a strong sense of who they are or self-identity. They feel comfortable exploring the world and what interests them because they know who they are and where they come from. 

Wings, on the other hand, are all about letting go. Giving our children wings is to trust them to go out into the world and hopefully make it a better place. It is swallowing down your nervousness, worry and tears when your 17-year-old tell you she probably wants to go to college in the Pacific Northwest. That is a long way away for my girl to fly! Giving her wings means embracing that adventure with her and encouraging her along the way. Wings means allowing our children to find their own path and giving them our blessing. And you know what? Giving our children wings isn't easy. It is a process that starts when they are babies and grows and grows with them. 

So, how do we as parents give our child both roots and wings? 

• Respond to your child's needs in a sensitive and responsive way. Building roots starts when your child is a baby. You strengthen their attachment to you which lets them know that you are their safe place. At the same time, you are already starting to grow their wings when you encourage them by providing them with developmentally appropriate activities, like tummy time, or when you tune into what they are noticing in the world around them. 
• Set age-appropriate limits. Limits are the parachute that helps our children as they test out their wings. Limits help teach our children about safety, how to interact with others and so many more life lessons. For example, a common issue for many families is getting their children to help clean up their toys. This is where a limit can come into play. For younger children, I might set the limit by saying "First we are going to pick up the toys. Then we will go outside." To help facilitate this process, I might give my child a smaller container and ask them to pick up all the cars while I pick up the blocks. How is this limit building roots for my child? This limit helps your child learn to be responsible for their items and to take care of their things. 
• Gradually transfer power and control to your child. When I participated in ECFE, my parent educator talked about the power triangle. The idea behind this triangle is that when children are young, they are in the bottom of the triangle. They have less control and power. As they get older, they gain more power and control, moving up into the triangle. When my kids were young, they were only allowed to play in the front yard when my husband and I were outside with them. As they got older, they were allowed to play in the front yard with each other. Then they were allowed to walk to the park up the road to play or ride their bikes to their friends' houses. The key to this gradual shift of control over where they went was teaching them safety skills like how to cross the street, bike safety and personal safety skills. Eventually we reached the point where my daughters received their drivers' licenses and because we had gradually shifted control to them, I was confident they would follow our guidelines about where and when they could drive. 

• Be your child's safe place to fall. Remember giving your child roots includes making sure they know that no matter what you love them. This means being sensitive and responsive to your child's feelings. Be with your child when they are feeling big emotions. Show your child empathy and stay calm. Name their emotions and give them support as they work through their emotions. Remember that young children need help to regulate their emotions. This help can look different for each child. My middle daughter needed me to give her space and time to feel those emotions. I would make sure she was in a safe spot, stay nearby and let her know when she was ready to talk, I would listen. My other kids need a hug and for me to name their emotions. 
• Be brave as you watch them spread their wings. The letting go process is gradual and is really a series of first times your child is away from you.
• First time with a babysitter
• First day of daycare
• First day of ECFE, preschool or kindergarten
• First solo playdate at a friend's house
• And the list goes on and on....

I have learned many things as I have navigated these firsts with my children. Most importantly, I have learned it is okay to let my child know I will miss them while they are away from me but to be excited about the experience they will have. This sets the tone for your child's experience.  Remember every child will experience these separations in different ways depending on their temperament. Some kids will be like my oldest, ready to go and jump right in. Others may be more like my middle daughter and son, slow to warm up and need a little more support through the separation. 

• Help your child to find their passion. Whether this is sports or art or music or simply playing outside, find what your child loves and help them do this. In about 2 months my middle daughter will start her senior season of hockey. She started playing hockey when she was 7 and has loved it ever since. She has gained friendships, learned how to be coachable and to work as a team, to overcome disappointment and frustration and so much more. I don't regret for a moment allowing her to pursue this passion and I also know I will miss watching her play tremendously. I also know that she will carry the lessons she learned through hockey with her throughout her life. 

So as I sit on the cusp of watching my daughter spread her wings and fly, I hope her dad and I have given her "wings to fly, strong roots to come back, and a reason to stay." I think we have. She is knows who she is, wants to make the world a better place, stands up for what she believes is right and everyday makes me proud to be her mom!

Is Your Child a Thinker or a Feeler?

I am a mom to 19, 17 and 14 year-olds. I have been doing this mom gig for a while now. One of the things I learned early on as a parent of multiple children is that what works for one child doesn't always work for another child. This is especially true for my kids in how they deal with their emotions. I have kids who are feelers and I have a kid who is a thinker. You might be wondering what it means to have a feeler and a thinker. I think that best way to explain this is tell a couple of stories about my kids. 

My oldest daughter developed a love for the sport of gymnastics from her very first mommy and me gymnastics class when she was 2 years old. She continued participating in gymnastics for many, many years. She worked hard and put in a lot of time and effort into making the team at her gymnastics center. All this hard work brought a lot of joy and fun but also lots of injuries. She repeatedly hurt her wrist and reached a point where she was no longer able to continue participating in gymnastics. This was a very difficult decision for us to make. She loved gymnastics. Her friends were at gymnastics. It was a major part of her life. When she walked out of the gym the night of her last practice, I wrapped her up in my arms and let her cry. I told her it was ok to be sad. We just felt those big emotions and focused on how she was feeling for a couple of weeks. It was only after we let her have her feelings that we were able to talk about what she wanted to do next. She decided to join the soccer and softball team. If we had tried to talk to her right away about other sports she could play to try and fix this problem for her, she wouldn't have been able to talk about it or even consider trying a new sport. 

So, let's compare that story to a story about my middle daughter. She started playing hockey when she was seven. She had begged to play hockey for at least a year before we relented and agreed to let her give it a try. After one season of hockey, she was hooked. Not only was she hooked, but she decided she wanted to be a goalie. She continued to play other sports, but hockey became her main sport. She played year-round on different teams and attended various camps. Flash forward several years and my daughter's hockey team was playing in the end of the season tournament. This game was a must win game. The team who won got to go on to the regional tournament. The losing team ended their season. The game was a very close game, so close that it went into 3 overtime periods. My daughter had an amazing game. She had over 50 saves and only gave up 3 goals. Unfortunately, the third goal was the goal that ended the game and her team's season. I knew she would be very upset with herself for giving up the final goal despite how great she played. When she came out of the locker room, I told her good game and we quietly walked out of the arena to the car. I reached around her to unlock the car and she thought I was trying to hug her. She snapped at me, "Don't Touch Me!!" I explained that I was just unlocking the car not trying to hug her. Once we were in the car, I told her to let me know if she wanted to talk about the game. We rode home in silence until we were about to turn into our neighborhood. At this point she quietly said how mad she was that they lost the game. This was my green light to tell her that it was okay to be mad and disappointed that they lost. I also knew that I could now point out how good of a game she played, and it wasn't her fault that they lost. If I tried to tell her these things right away, she would have just gotten even more mad!

I'm sure at this point you can see the difference between how my daughters handle their emotions but who is the thinker and who is feeler? My oldest daughter is a feeler. My middle daughter is a thinker. If I am being totally honest, it took me longer than I like to admit to realize I had to approach emotions with my daughters in different ways. While I eventually learned I had to help my daughters process their emotions differently, I have only recently heard the terms feeler and thinker. Author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, explained this concept as well as some great tips for helping feelers and thinkers. 

Follow these steps if your child is in the feeling mode:

• Focus on the feelings. Listen to your child's feelings. Label them and validate them. 
• Let your child feel their feelings by giving them time to feel sad or mad or frustrated, etc. 
• Check in with your child to see if they are ready to problem solve. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one.
• Problem solve when your feeler is ready. Feelers are only ready to problem solve if they have been given an opportunity to feel.

Follow these steps if your child is in the thinking mode:

• Focus on the facts. Say what has happened. 
• Give your child a voice. Let them tell you about what they think or what occurred. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one. 
• Then talk about the emotions your child was feeling.

It can be hard to tell when your child is young if they are a feeler or a thinker. Honestly, it may change from day to day or situation to situation. A good way to determine which mode your child is in is to offer a hug. A feeler will accept the hug and you can focus on the feelings before moving into problem solving. A thinker will probably reject the hug. At this point switch the focus from feelings to facts before moving onto problem solving and labeling emotions. Just remember that the ultimate goal is to help your child identify and manage emotions so they can problem-solve. 

Back to School is Almost Here!

Now that August is here many parents and children are beginning to think about the start of the school year. Going to school is a big, exciting step for children and their parents. The transition to preschool or kindergarten can also be a little worrisome for both too. For many children, this transition may be a little more difficult due to the pandemic. There are many things families can do to help their child have a successful transition to school. 

Start talking about school. Ask your child what they are excited about doing at school. Is there anything they are worried about? Share what you are feeling as well. Share about how proud you are for them to be growing up and starting school but it is also okay to let your child know that you will miss them while they are at school.

Do an informal visit to the school your child will be attending. When my children were starting preschool, we frequently drove past the schools they would be attending and I would point them out to them. We also played on the playground at the school during the summer. 

Attend the school's open house or meet and greets. If your child's school holds an open house or meet & greets, be sure to attend these with your child. This gives your child an opportunity to see their classroom and meet their teacher. This can go a long way in helping your child feel comfortable on their first day of school. 

Be prepared for separation anxiety. We know that many children have spent most of the previous school year with their families. They may not have attended school or childcare in person. They may have had a school year that was a mix of in-person and distance learning. All of this could add to the possibility of your child experiencing separation anxiety. If your child struggles with separation anxiety, you can take some steps to help your child overcome this anxiety. Keep your goodbyes short and sweet. Trust me, I know it can be very hard to leave your child when they are distressed. My son is a slow to warm up kid and had a hard time at the start of the each new school year. I worked hard to make my goodbyes short and sweet. I would say, "Mommy is going to go. You are going to stay here and play. I will be back after lunch. I love you. Have fun!" Then I would leave. At pick up, I would be excited to see him and often say something about how brave he was and how proud I was that he stayed at school. You can also talk to your child's teacher to see if it is okay for your child to bring a security item from home.

Choose a fun way to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to your child in the same way every time can help them feel safe and comfortable. Most have probably heard the saying, "See you later alligator," but there are many fun ways to say goodbye. 

Play school at home. Take turns being the teacher and student with your child. Do some of the activities they will experience at school like reading stories, playing and doing projects. 

Create or continue first day of school traditions. Traditions, like having a special breakfast or dinner, visiting grandparents or taking a first day of school picture, can help your child get excited about school. Our family always took first day of school pictures usually at the same spot in our front yard each year. My oldest daughter even sent me a first day of school picture from her college dorm room last year!

Reach books about going to school. There are a lot of great books about starting school that you can share with your child. Click here or here for lists of books that can help calm your child's nerves about starting school. 

Make sure your child is getting plenty of sleep. Start transitioning your child's bedtime and wake up time to what it will be during the school year a couple of weeks before school starts. This helps your child get use to this new routine before school starts. If your child is having anxiety about school, it can impact their sleep. Practice calming techniques, like deep breathing, at bedtime to help your child be calm and ready to sleep. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help. If your child struggles with the transition to school, communicate with your child's teacher and school. You can work as a team to help your child have a successful transition to school. 

Got Questions?

Is my toddler ready to potty train? How should I potty train her? My 8 month old isn't sleeping through the night. How can I get him to sleep? Why does my toddler bite? How can I get him to stop? What do I do with my picky eater? How do I get my child to play independently? This is just a small sample of the questions that can arise for parents. The list goes on and on. And is always changing as your child grows and develops. The challenge for parents is not just identifying the questions but finding reliable, safe and useful answers that are developmentally appropriate. 

In their National Parenting Survey, Zero to Three found that parents are overwhelmed and unsure of where to find quality parenting information. 84% of parents report utilizing articles about parenting, but only 49% find these same articles to be helpful. Parents are also overwhelmed by the amount of information available. 54% of parents saying it is hard to know who trust due to the amount of information available. 

The same survey found that 91% of parents often rely on parenting the way their parents parented them despite only 64% finding this to be effective. Over 80% of parents rely on advice from family members and friends but this was also reported to be only about 50-65% effective depending on which family member or friend the parent asked for advice. 

So rather than just throwing their arms up in frustration, what can parents do? How can they find reliable parenting advice and resources? 

1. Remember, you know your child best. What works for one child may not work for another. With any parenting advice you receive, think about what you know about your child. Does this advice fit with your child's temperament, age and stage of development? 
2. Sign up for an ECFE class. ECFE is a great place to not only learn about parenting and child development but also find a supportive community. Registration is now open for our Fall 2021 ECFE classes. Find a class that fits your family here.
3. Sign up for one of our parent in-home or phone consultations. South Washington County Schools Early Learning offers free in-home and phone consultations with licensed parent educators for parents of children birth to age 8. These consultation allow you to ask specific questions and receive advice about your child's development and behavior or about parenting struggles or issues. Our parent consultation will start again when school starts. You can sign up for a consultation here.
4.  Choose reliable resources that provide research based information on parenting and child development. Some examples of these types of resources are MN Help Me Grow, Zero to Three, Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, Child Mind Institute, Kids Health from Nemours, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, and the Spark & Stitch Institute. 
5. When utilizing a website or article to answer your parenting questions, ask yourself the following:
1. Who is the author of the source?
2. Where was the source published? Is it reputable?
3. When was the source published? Is it recent? 
4. What information does the source include and what does the source look like?
5. Why did the author create the source? Is there a personal or professional bias?
6. When you are seeking advice, you want to know where that advice is coming from. Understanding how to evaluate a website can be very helpful. Does the domain name tell you something about the source? Look for websites that end in .edu, .org or .gov. Check out the information about the source by exploring the "About Us" or "Mission" section of the website. 

As your child grows and develops, you will have many parenting questions and need to seek information. By using some of the suggestions provided, you can ensure you are finding and using reliable, evidenced-based information. And don't forget. No one gets handed a manual when they become a parent. Be willing to learn and develop as a parent as your child learns and develops.

Summer, Summer, Summertime!

Summer has officially arrived here in Minnesota. It's time to bring on the sunshine, fun, and family time. Our community offers many great parks, events, and activities for families to enjoy. There are also a lot of fun, easy activities families can do at home to enjoy our beautiful Minnesota summer. Keep reading to learn more!

Community Events

• South Washington County Schools Community Education offers free family fun nights. Check out the games, activities, and food for all ages at Skoolie four nights a week at various sites throughout our community. 

• The Puppet Wagon is back this summer. Woodbury Parks and Recreation's Puppet Wagon travels to various parks throughout the city all summer long. It is a great way to check out various parks in our community. Come enjoy a short puppet show. Then stay and enjoy all that each park has to offer. The Puppet Wagon schedule can be found here.
• Woodbury Parks and Recreation and the Washington County Library are teaming up to offer storytime in the park at Ojibway Park on Friday July 9th and 23rd and August 6th at 10 am. 
• The Starlight Cinema Movie Series is another fun family friendly event hosted by Woodbury Parks and Recreation at Ojibway Park. Check out the schedule of these outdoor, family friendly movies here.
• Cottage Grove Parks and Recreation is also offering some fun summer events including Pop-up Splash Pads and Fab Fridays events. See the schedule below for more information. 
  
• South Washington County Schools Early Learning will be offering a biweekly virtual storytime starting July 6th at 9 am. To join our ECFE Summer Storytime like our Facebook page at South Washington County Schools Early Learning. You will then receive an invitation to join our private storytime group where the virtual storytime videos will be posted. 
• Summer Park Playdates hosted by the Early Learning Parent Advisory Council are another fun event to check out this summer. There are two opportunities each week during the summer to play and get connected. 
• Mondays 9:30-11am (June 28, July 12, 19, 26, Aug. 2, 9, 16) at Woodbridge Park, 9000 90th St S, Cottage Grove 
• Tuesdays 6-7:30 pm (June 29, July 6, 13, 20, 27, Aug. 3, 10, 17) at Ojibway Park, 2695 Ojibway Dr., Woodbury

At Home Ideas

• Sidewalk chalk is a cheap and fun activity to have on hand at home. Create fun pictures or practice writing letters and numbers with the chalk. Extended the fun by viewing the read-aloud video of Chalk by Bill Thomson. Besides the obvious fun to be had creating pictures with the chalk, sidewalk chalk obstacle courses can be a fun and easy activity that can provide lots of entertainment. 
  
  
  
• Blowing bubbles is a fun activity for kids of all ages. Check out this easy to make homemade bubble recipe. You can use many household items as bubble wands including cookie cutters, slotted spoons and more. 
• Have fun with water. Some easy ways to do this include using a small kiddie pool, water table or plastic containers and allowing your child to splash and explore with small containers, cups, and toys. Remember that young children should always be supervised around water for safety. 
• Enjoy a picnic together. Take your picnic to a local park or just outside in your yard or on your deck or balcony. 
• Play with sand in either a sandbox or table. Another easy way to provide sand for play is to use an under-bed plastic container filled with sand. Take it out when you and your child want to play. Then put the lid on it and put it away when you are done. 

We hope you will get out and enjoy some of these great events and activities this summer. We would also love to hear about the fun things you and your family likes to do during the summer. Share your ideas in the comments below. 

It's Time to Teach!

This is the third blog in a series on discipline. In the first blog, Discipline is Teaching, I defined discipline as teaching and explored the difference between discipline and punishment. Connect Before You Correct, the second in the series, focused on ensuring that your child is ready to learn before you try to teach by making sure they feel safe and loved. Scroll down to read the first and second blog. 

Now we are ready to take a look at how parents can discipline or teach their children. There are a couple of things that can be stumbling blocks when parents try to use discipline as teaching. What do you need to teach? How should you go about teaching it? Answering these three questions can help parents ensure that they are teaching when they discipline their child. 

1. Why did my child act this way? It is important to ask this question from a place of curiosity. If you find yourself answering this question with responses like, "He is trying to push my buttons?" or "She is being naughty," you are reacting to your child's behavior from an emotional state and are not ready to teach. Let's take a look at how to answer this question from a point of curiosity. Your two-year-old takes toys from her playmate. It is important to remember that taking toys from other children, having trouble waiting your turn and not sharing are developmentally appropriate behaviors for young children. So why did your child act this way? She probably wanted a turn and wasn't able to wait for it. She also could have viewed the toy as her and want it back. 
2. What lesson or skills do I need to teach? Remember, discipline as teaching views misbehavior as missing skills. It can be easy to answer this question with what we don't want our child to do. Instead, be sure to answer this question with what you want your child to do instead. A young child who is taking toys is missing the skill of asking for a turn. Another missing skill is the ability to wait for a turn. 
3. How can I best teach this lesson or skill? The key to answering this question is to focus on what gives your child a chance to practice the missing skills. In the example of a two-year-old who is taking a toy from her playmate, a parent can respond with empathy and by modeling how to ask for a turn. "You want a turn with the truck. You can ask for a turn. Can I have a turn please?" Some kids might be ready to move on at this point. Other kids might have a hard time giving back the toy and waiting for their turn. Parents can show empathy and help them wait. "It is hard to wait. Do you want to play with the blocks or do a puzzle while you wait?"

The tricky part of discipline as teaching is knowing how to go about teaching. Let's take a look at a few techniques that can help parents teach missing skills to their child. 

• Natural consequences are, as the name implies, consequences that occur naturally. A child who is running, trips and falls. A child who doesn't eat their dinner is hungry at bedtime. A child who doesn't study gets a poor grade. In order for natural consequences to work, children need to feel connected to their parents and/or caregivers. This means that parents and/or caregivers must be supportive and empathetic while allowing their child to experience the feelings brought on by their actions. When my kids were young, my oldest daughter liked to be in charge of what and how she and her siblings played. Some may say she was a bit on the bossy side! This led to plenty of squabbles between my children. It also led to me intervening when I felt she was being bossy. It took a while, but I eventually realized I was making things worse by stepping in. I took a step back and allowed her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior, which was her siblings not wanting to play with her. It was tempting to give her a I told you so response. "No one likes to play with someone who is bossy." Instead, it was time to respond with empathy. "I know you are sad that they don't want to play with you. Maybe next time you can ask them what and how they want to play. Let's go read a book."
• Logical consequences are consequences related to the behavior of the child that are put into place by the parent. Logical consequences are meant to be used on children who have already learned the necessary skills but are not using them for some reason. Logical consequences should be related, respectful and reasonable. They should also be given with a heavy dose of empathy. Let's think about an older child who has had lots of chances to practice sharing and taking turns and is refusing to share their blocks. A logical consequence in this situation may sound like this, "You can share the blocks and keep building your tower or you can choose not to share and have to come play with something else over here so everyone can have fun." If your child starts to share, you can provide positive encouragement. "Thank you for sharing. I knew you could do it." If your child refuses to share it is time to enforce the consequence. "I can see you are choosing to be done playing with blocks. Come over here and find something else to play with." This is the time for empathy when your child may express negative feelings about the consequence. "I know it is hard to share when you are playing. Let's take some deep breaths. I will help you. You can do this."
• Using positive language is another way to help children learn missing skills. Parent soften tell their kids what not to do but young children can have a hard time thinking of a more appropriate behavior to replace the undesired one. Instead of don't run, tell your child to use their walking feet. Instead of don't stand on the chair, tell your child chairs are for sitting. 
• Honoring the impulse allows your child to do what they want but in a way that teaches them when, where or how to do it. For example, your child is jumping on the bed. Honoring the impulse could include saying, "It looks like you want to jump." Then give them an opportunity to jump in a safe way. This could be jumping on a trampoline or jumping on some cushions or blankets on the floor or turning on music and jumping around to it. 

Remember discipline means "to teach." When parents discipline to teach, they are establishing the boundaries that provide children security and safety, which are the foundation of social emotional and cognitive development. This is why it is vital that discipline be paired with empathy and connection so that children know they are safe and loved and are ready to direct their energy towards engaging and exploring the world around them. 

Connect Before You Correct

This is the second blog in a series focusing on discipline. In part one, Discipline Defined, I defined discipline as teaching and explored the differences between discipline as teaching and punishment. You can find part one by scrolling down to it. Now it is time to focus on how we go about using discipline to teaching. 

It is important to consider that if discipline is teaching, we have to make sure that our child is ready to learn. Let's take a look at our brains, both children and adults. We can divide our brains into an upstairs and a downstairs brain. Our upstairs brain contains the more advanced brain functions. This where we think, remember, make decisions, regulate ourselves and more. The downstairs brain is the more primitive part of our brain. This part is responsible for regular body functions and overall safety.  

Which part of the brain do you think we need to be in to be ready to learn? If you answered with the Upstairs Brain, you are correct! We must feel safe and loved in order for us to be in our upstairs brain. This true for children and adults. The best way to help our children feel safe and loved is by building connection. We can build connection by labeling our child's emotions, empathizing with them when things don't go their way, and even offering a hug. When your child feels connected or heard, they are more willing to accept responsibility for their actions and problem solve. Let's take a look at how connection works by looking at a scenario from two different approaches.

Your child is playing with a friend and reaches over and takes the toy that their friend was playing with. How do you respond? One option might be to say, "That's not nice. Give that back. You need to come over here for a time out." Or you could say, "It looks like you want a turn with the toy. It is hard to wait for your turn. Do you want me to push you on the swings or play in the sandbox while you wait?"

Which of these two approaches builds connection? Which offers empathy and lets your child know that you understand how they feel? If you chose the second option, you are correct. 

When we respond with love and connection, our child is more likely to be able to problem-solve, reflect and take responsibility for their actions. Children who are disconnected or punished often respond with anger or placing the blame on other people. 

Once you have established a connection you are ready to teach your child what you want them to do instead. To learn more about how to use consequences, choices and much more to help teach your child tune in for part 3 of our discipline blog series. 

Discipline Defined

The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciplina which means instruction and training. So, in short, discipline should be defined as teaching. Does this match your definition of discipline? I ask this question in my parent education classroom and most parents agree. They discipline to try and teach their child right from wrong. Unfortunately, what I find to be true both in my role as a parent educator and as a parent is, as parents, we often try to teach by punishment instead of actual teaching.  

At this point you might be wondering, am I teaching or am I punishing? What is the difference? Let's take a closer look at punishment first. 

• Punishment puts the responsibility for managing behavior on the adult instead of the child. As the adult, I must stop the behavior and enforce the punishment.
• The intent of punishment is to control behavior through fear. I also strongly believe that, without realizing it, parents often use punishment to make their child feel bad so they won't do that behavior again or won't act in a certain way. 
• Punishment may bring about short-term obedience but not necessarily long-term changes in behavior. A child may comply when you are present and able to enforce the punishment but not necessarily when you aren't there. This can lead to sneaky and manipulative behavior on the part of the child. 
• Punishments rely on outside motivation instead of intrinsic motivation. It does not teach children the skills they need to do something different in the future. 

Now let's take a look closer look at discipline as teaching. 

• Discipline starts with the adult but not in the same way as punishment. Instead it begins with our intention. If our intention is help our child reflect on their choices/actions, take responsibility and learn what to do instead, then we are teaching. It is important to remember we cannot teach our children if we are reacting emotionally to their behavior. We have to regulate our emotions first before we respond to our child. 
• Connection is the key to discipline. If discipline is about teaching, our children must be receptive to learning. We create connection by offering empathy to our child. We label their emotions and let them know we understand what they are going through. We might even offer a hug. These connection help children feel safe and loved which helps them be ready to learn. 
• Children who feel calm and safe are ready to reflect on their behavior and the impact on other. This allows kids to take responsibility for their behavior. 
• Discipline as teaching views misbehavior as a child telling us that they are missing skills. For example, I often have parents ask me how can I get my child to stop hitting. I will respond by asking what do you want your child to do instead. A common answer to this "not hit" but this doesn't help us teach the child what to do instead. A better answer is, I want my child to ask for help when they are frustrated or mad. This answer recognizes the child is missing the skills that help them when they are feeling those big emotions. 

Now that you can see the difference between discipline and punishment you might be wonder what next. How do I teach my child the skills they are missing? I will cover strategies that can help you teach in the next blog. In the meantime, I encourage you focus on the first two steps to discipline as teaching. Regulate yourself first so you can wisely respond to your child's behavior instead of blindly reacting. Try out one of these simple mindfulness techniques.    

• 3 x 3 Mindfulness
• Pick up three things.
• Name item 1. Breathe in, breathe out.
• Name item 2. Breathe in, breathe out.
• Name item 3. Breathe in, breathe out. 

• STOP Mindfulness
• Stop
• Take a Breath
• Observe
• Proceed                                                                     

Once you regulate yourself, you are ready to create a connection with your child. Label your child's emotions and show them empathy. Offer a hug to help your child feel safe and loved. By practicing these important steps you will be ready to start teaching instead of punishing.