Screen Free Week

Most of us parents know already that screens are pervasive. They are everywhere: our cars, restaurants, our homes, and our pockets. Screens are so pervasive that, according to Common Sense Media, 98% of kids ages 0-8 have access to mobile devices such as tablets and smart phones.

Now you might be thinking, "UGH! Not another guilt trip about letting my kids access technology." Trust me that is not my goal. Instead, I hope to encourage you to reflect. Reflect on how your family uses technology. The when, what, where and how your child interact with television and mobile devices. And maybe, just maybe, challenge you to participate in Screen Free Week in some way. 

Screen Free Week runs April 30-May 6. What exactly is Screen Free Week? Screen Free Week actually started way back in 1994 with goal of lessening the amount of time people were watching TV. Of course, as we know television is just one of many screens that kids and families utilize. The goal of screen free week is to provide an annual, international celebration that encourages families to exchange technology entertainment for other activities that don't require screens. The hope is that families will connect with one another, friends, family and the world around them in place of digital entertainment. 

The idea of going complete cold-turkey on technology for an entire week might cause a little moment of panic. I know I feel a little overwhelmed by the idea. So instead of biting off more than my family and I can chew, we are going to make some small changes to how we are using technology. Here a few ideas we are going to try: 

• Phone free hour-Everyone will put their phones away for an hour each night. 
• Play Outside-Everyone will go outside and play instead of watching TV after school. 
• Board Game Night
• Nature walk/hike 

So I encourage you and your family to make a plan, commit for a whole week of screen free or just make some small changes for even just an hour or two per day. For more ideas check out the Additional Resources section on the Screen Free Week Website. 

What's your button?

We all have them. You know, those behaviors in our kids or other people that drive us crazy. Make us want to pull out our hair. That push our BUTTONS!!!! Whining was a big button pushing behavior for me when my kids were younger. Use your big girl voice was my mantra. I would spend what felt like all day everyday repeating this to my daughter. And then my husband would come home and in one moment erase this message by giving her what she whined for. This, of course, pushed my buttons too! I don't tell this story to criticize my husband. Quite the contrary, I had to learn that what pushed my buttons didn't necessarily push my husbands' buttons. In fact, he didn't even notice when our daughter was whining. He had to train himself to listen for the whining.

Whether its your kids bickering or not listening the first time or picky eating or temper tantrums that push your buttons, it is important to be aware of what is really going on when your buttons are being pushed.

Conscious Discipline is a discipline approach that focuses on internal mental state of children and parents first and the behavior second. The basic idea is that "we can learn to consciously manage our own thoughts and emotions so we can help children learn to do the same" (Conscious Discipline Brain State). There are three brain states:

• Survival State-This state is focused on the question, Am I Safe? The survival state brings on a fight, flight or freeze response. The only way to calm a survival state is to provide a sense of safety. 
• Emotional State-This state is focused on the question, Am I Loved? The emotional state brings on temper tantrums in kids. Parents, in this state, have an emotional response. This might include frustration and anger. This is when we get into asking the "What is wrong with you question?" or thinking, "They shouldn't be acting this way." The only way to calm an emotional state is to provide a sense of connection. 
• Executive State-This is the thinking, learning, rational and logical state. In this state, we are able to think through and problem-solve so we can make better choices. 

So what does this mean for us as parents when our buttons are being pushed? When we are in the survival or emotional state, we are reactive. As parents, this typically means that we revert back to parenting the way we were parented even if this approach is harmful or ineffective. The executive state is receptive. It is in this state that we can learn, think and problem-solve. It makes sense then that when dealing with challenging behaviors it is important for parents to be aware of which state they are in. We cannot help our children learn to be aware of their internal states and behaviors if we are being reactive.

So my challenge to you is this: spend some time reflecting on those button pushing behaviors. What is it about those behaviors that push your buttons? How do you feel when your buttons are being pushed? How do you respond? It is only by being conscious of our own internal states and behaviors that we can help our children recognize theirs.

The Expectation Gap

One of my kids' favorite pastimes, when they were toddlers, was to take every single book off of our bookshelves. They would stand at the bookshelf, pulling the books off one by one while shaking their head and saying "No, No, No!"

My kids definitely knew they weren't supposed to do this so why did they always do it? I had obviously told them NO many times! Were they being naughty? Did they just want to drive me crazy? The answer to these questions was a resounding No!

In a recent survey of parents, Zero to Three found that the majority of parents' beliefs about their child's ability for self-control is overestimated. Some of the findings of the survey include:

• 56% of parents believe children have the ability to resist doing something that is forbidden before the age of three and 36% believe that children under that age of two have this kind of self-control. Brain research shows that these skills start developing between three and a half and four years and takes many more years to be used consistently.
• 43% of parents think children can share and take turns with other children before age two. This skill only develops between 3 to 4 years of age. 
• 24% of all parents believe that children are able to control their emotions, such as not having a tantrum when frustrated, at one year or younger, while 42% believe children have this ability by two years. Research shows this type of self-control is also just starting to develop between three and four years of age. (www.livingandloving.co.za)

This expectation gap explains why so many parents are frustrated by behavior that is actually developmentally appropriate. One of our goals in South Washington County ECFE is to provide parents with information about typical development so they can adjust their expectations of their child's behavior.

For me, this meant honoring my children's impulse to remove the books from the book shelf but limiting the mess this created. I moved most of the books up to higher shelves and left behind a handful of board books so they could empty the shelf to their heart's content.