Helping Your Child Navigate Anxiety

The past week has been hard. Our world has changed a lot in a short amount of time. Maybe you are figuring out how to work from home or what you are going to do if you are off of work during this crisis. We know that all of the changes that are happening are stressful for everyone. Most of us are probably experiencing some anxiety. This anxiety isn't exclusive to just parents either. Kids are feeling it too. Even young children who may not know anything about the Covid-19 virus have had their daily routines disrupted. Maybe they are use to regular playdates or visits with grandparents or going to preschool and are not able to do these things right now. Maybe they have heard a little about the virus and are worried about people they love getting sick. Whatever it is your kids may be feeling anxious about what is going on in their world. So let's take a look at ways we can help our children!

Anxiety often shows up as other behaviors in children (and probably adults too!) Here are 8 ways that children can show anxiety:

1. Anger-Anytime we have the perception of danger or stress it triggers our fight, flight or freeze response. Kids might not know how to communicate what they are feeling so they are left feeling angry. 
2. Difficulty sleeping-Kids may start having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. This is a hallmark sign of anxiety.
3. Defiance-Kids often feel anxiety when things feel out of control. It is easy to see their attempts to regain control when they are feeling anxious as defiant behavior. 
4. Chandeliering-Kids who have been holding in their anxiety and worries for so long might lose it and fly of the handle for no apparent reason. Something small or simple is enough to set them off. 
5. Lack of focus-Kids experiencing anxiety might be caught up in their own thoughts and have trouble paying attention.
6. Avoidance-Kids may avoid activities, places or people who cause them to feel anxiety. However this doesn't usually lead to them experiencing less anxiety. 
7. Negativity-Anxiety leads to more negative thoughts than positive thoughts. 
8. Overplanning-Kids may try to regain control over situations that cause them anxiety by overplanning even when minimal planning is necessary. 

Now let's explore some ways to help your child navigate anxiety. 

1. Manage your own anxiety first. Kids can often sense when people around them are experiencing anxiety and this can lead to them experiencing anxiety too. So take care of yourself first. Talk with a friend, exercise, get outside, practice mindfulness. Find what helps you manage your anxiety and do it!
2. It's not about stopping your child's anxiety, it's about helping your child manage it instead. Anxiety, in and of its self, isn't a bad thing. Not being able to manage anxiety is what makes anxiety bad. We want our kids to learn how to manage anxiety so that over time it diminishes.
3. Don't dismiss their feelings. Instead work on validating their feelings. Listen and be empathetic about your child's feelings. The goals is send the message that how they feel is okay and you are there to help them . 
4. Don't ask leading questions. Ask your child open ended questions instead. You might ask, "How do you feel about not going to preschool?" instead of "Are you sad that you can't go to school?"
5. Work on problem-solving with your child. Maybe your child is use to frequent visits with their grandparents and is sad and anxious about not getting to see them. Ask your child for ideas for how they could stay close to their grandparents. Maybe they could send them pictures that they draw, do a video chat or phone call. 
6. Practice mindfulness with your child. Teach your child breathing techniques that they can use to help them feel calm. One easy technique to teach is Smell the Flower, Blow out the Candle. Hold up 5 fingers. Ask your child to smell the flower, then blow out the candle. When they blow lower one finger. Repeat until all five fingers are down. It is important to practice this when your child is calm so they learn that it will make them feel calm. Also, practice blowing out slowly. You want to your child to exhale for longer than they inhale. 
7. Get outside and enjoy nature. Studies have shown that spending time in nature reduces stress. So go for a walk, explore your backyard, or try a scavenger hunt.
8. Do something to help others. Draw pictures and send them to residents at a nursing home. 

All of us at South Washington County Early Learning know that this has past week has been hard and stressful for families. Hopefully you will be able to use some of these tips to help not only your child but yourself as well. And know that we are working hard to find ways to stay connected with families in our program. 

The Lessons I've Learned

Parenthood has taught me a lot of lessons. Sixteen years of parenting my middle daughter has taught me the most about myself. That's right, somehow my second baby is already 16! This has really got me thinking about what it has been like to be her mom. One thing I can tell you for sure is that I haven't done everything right, but I know I have learned, grown and improved through being her mom, not just as a parent but as a person too. So in honor of my baby girl's sixteen years, I thought I would share a few of the lessons I have learned.

• Temperament really does matter. This should really not be earth shattering since temperament is the building block of our personalities. However, I never realized quite how much my temperament shaped my approach to the world until I had a kid with a similar temperament. One would think this similarity would make parenting her easier. Nope! Not a chance! What it did do was show me some things about myself, like the fact that I have a high intensity of reaction. I am typically a pretty even keeled person but I tend to have strong reactions to things. My daughter is much the same way. As a toddler, she was the sweetest, most loving, kindest kid until she wasn't. There was no middle ground. This lead to some epic battles of will between us. Recognizing that her intense reactions to things was simply part of her temperament and not something I could change, allowed me to help her navigate and regulate her reactions to things. Realizing that my reaction to her intensity was also intense helped me figure out how to regulate myself before I tried to parent her. 

• Being Hangry is a real thing. Seriously, this girl could have some epic meltdowns. Nothing her dad or I did could stop them from happening. Until one day one of us, in a moment of desperation, gave her some juice. She drank the juice and calmed down almost instantly. She simply had been too busy playing to notice she was getting hungry. We had to teach her to pay closer attention to her body so she could tell us she was hungry to prevent the meltdowns instead of trying to stop them once they started. So the next time your child is having a meltdown, Stay Calm and H.A.L.T. Ask yourself, is my child hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Meeting those needs may the quickest way to calm their storm.

• A sense of humor makes your life so much more fun. My daughter was born with a natural sense of comedic timing. She has always been able to lighten the mood by doing something goofy and a little off the wall. It helps to remind me not to take things too seriously. 

• Be who you are. Find your passion and own it. My daughter has found her passion and ran with it. She started asking to play hockey from a pretty young age. Her dad and I tried to convince her to try something else. We even went so far as to sign her up for speed skating. She did one practice, got off the ice and said, "Where's the puck? Can I play hockey now?" So, needless to say, this happened:

Of course, playing hockey wasn't enough--she had to become a goalie. And now 10 years later she still plays and is hoping to play at the collegiate level.

Here's the thing, she loves this sport so much that she inspired me to try it too. I have now been playing for 7 years, the last 3 as a goalie.

• We have to love our kids through the hard stuff, the big emotions, the meltdowns, etc. What I mean by this is not that we don't love our kids when they are going through these tough times but that we have to use love to help them get through it. I tried for longer than I care to admit to control, stop or change my daughter's feelings. I would try to convince her that whatever she was upset about wasn't a big deal. It wasn't that I didn't care about her feelings. I wanted to stop the behavior that came with the feelings. I wanted to fix it and make it better. I learned I need to let her have her emotions and be there to help her feel safe and loved. I couldn't teach her how to handle and communicate her feelings in an appropriate way until she felt loved and safe. I know now that the best thing for me to do when she is upset is to let her know I am there for her and when she is ready I will listen. The great thing about this is that she often comes to the realization that what she is upset about isn't that big of a deal and she can handle it without me trying to force her there. 

Parenting is a lot about teaching our kids. The thing is that while we are teaching them they are also teaching us. Take some time and think about the lessons you have already learned from your children. Before you know it you will be looking back on 16 years and be amazed at all that you have learned. So to this amazing kid, I say thank you for all the lessons you have taught me!