Last week after a particularly long day, my best friend and I met up for a late dinner. Both of us had a similar day that included arguing with our sons about getting their homework done. I had the unreasonable expectation that my son needed to do his homework and study for a test before he went to his friend's house. Hopefully you read that last sentence with the right amount of sarcasm 😂. So, as we sat and commiserated with one another, the conversation turned to what our husbands were doing during this time. We both laughed and joked about how our husbands came in during the middle of all that was going on and didn't do a very good job of reading the room. In fact, my husband's off the cuff comment that normally would have made me laugh just irked me even more which is why a late dinner with my friend to blow off some steam was just what I needed.
Now at this point I could spend the rest of this blog telling you funny stories about the things my husband has done through the years that have left me thinking, "19 years. You have been a parent for 19 years." However, that is not my goal. I actually want to talk about the lessons my husband and I have learned about parenting together that have made us more successful as parents.
First, be consistent, but remember consistency is does not mean the same. When our kids were young, we had a consistent bedtime routine. The kids put on their pajamas and brushed their teeth. Then we would read a book or two, sing their songs and tuck them into bed. The way this routine was completed wasn't always the same depending on whether my husband or I were in charge. When daddy did bedtime, there was usually a race to see who could get their jammies on first. In general bedtime was a little more playful when daddy was in charge. There was usually a little bit of wrestling, tickling and even a few pretend body slams during the tucking in stage of the routine. The bedtime routine was a little more basic and calmer when I was in charge. Despite these differences, the routine was consistent, and the end result was our kids went to bed.
The next important lesson we have learned is to be a unified team. Our rule is that if one of us disciplines our children, we back each other up even if we disagree with the reason or approach. This rule has taught our children that they can't pit us against each other. We would talk to one another in private after the situation was resolved if one of us disagreed with the other. This allowed us to get on the same page going forward. The only caveat to this rule is if you feel your partner is being neglectful or abusive. You need to put your foot down and stop what is happening if you feel something your partner is doing is physically or emotionally detrimental to your child.
We have also found it is important to stand up for one another. There was a period time where my daughters would insist that their dad NEVER gave their brother consequences. He ALWAYS took their brother's side. I felt it was important to empathize with my daughters but also to stand up for my husband and point out times when he did give their brother a consequence or came to their defense when their brother was being a pill. And in return my husband has stood up for me when our kids were being unkind to me.
Knowing our strengths and using them has also helped us be successful as parents. My husband is very good at using humor to diffuse situations. This was especially helpful when dealing with my middle daughter during her preschool years. There were frequent times when I purposely stepped back and let my husband manage her behavior because he was able to calm her or redirect her through humor which was very effective. On the other hand, I was able to manage my older daughter's big emotions more effectively because I listened and talked about her feelings before trying to problem-solve. My husband would jump right to problem-solving which would just lead to the two of them getting upset with one another.
Another helpful lesson we learned is to give each other a break from parenting. I was a stay-at-home mom for 11 years and there were definitely days that were longer and harder than other days. These were the days where my husband would send me off by myself when he got home. Usually, I would take whatever book I was reading and go out to dinner by myself or meet up with a friend. We also found ways to support our own hobbies and interests. My husband has played soccer his entire life. When our kids were young, we made his soccer games a family affair. The kids and I went along to watch the games and cheer for him. We continue to set aside one night a week for him to play soccer.
Finally, it is important make your relationship with your parenting partner a priority. My husband and I have found we are much happier and effective parents when we make our relationship a priority. How we do this has changed as our children have gotten older. We used to have a weekly stay-at-home date night. Once a week, after our kids were in bed, we would have a date at home. Sometimes this was a late dinner. Other times we would play a board game or cards. Our only rules were we couldn't watch tv or spend the time talking about parenting issues. Now that our kids our older, we can out for our dates. Usually this means a visit to a local brewery.
What lessons have you learned so far during your parenting journey? Taking time to reflect on these lessons can further develop and create consistency with your parenting strategies.
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