Overindulgence?

What is overindulgence?  Some may say it's a second helping of dessert!  Some may say it's springing for those must have shoes that cost a little too much.  Some may even say that overindulgence is the spice of life and none of them would be wrong.  Overindulgence can be a fun way to treat ourselves after completing a big project or reaching a life goal.  It can be a way to reward ourselves after working hard at a job well done.

What about overindulgence with children, though?  What about the occasional treat or reward for a job well done?  What about buying the little toy at the store, just for fun?  Is that the spice of life or is it giving them more than they may need?  The line may be more thin than we realize.

Finding balance between too little and too much of anything is the key and it's not always easy.  If you feel like you struggle with this elusive thing called balance, then you are not alone.  In her book, How Much is Too Much?:  Everything you need to know to steer clear of overindulgence and raise likeable, responsible, and respectful children from toddler to teen (2004), Jean Illsley Clarke defines overindulgence in the following way:

"Overindulging children is giving them too much of what looks good, too soon, and for too long.  It is giving them things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents.  It is the process of giving things to children to meet the adults needs, not the child's.  Overindulgence is giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to be meeting the children's needs but does not, so children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty. (Clarke, 2004, pg. xvii)"

Let's read that again:  "Scarcity in the midst of plenty".  Does your child ever look around his or her toy room and exclaim that they're bored?!!  Or do they sit in their seat at a live character production that you paid a LOT of money to go to and say "this is BORING"?!!  Those are just examples, but may be a little window into their soul.  There's not much that's more frustrating for a parent than hearing their child complain when they are surrounded by So. Much. Stuff.

Clarke shares the three ways that we may be overindulging:

• Too Much:  this is really too much of anything.  It happens when we struggle with not understanding what "enough" is.
• Over-Nurturing:  overdoing, spoiling, giving too much attention, doing things for children that they should be doing for themselves, and not expecting children to think of others.
• Soft Structure:  lack of rules and expectations, not teaching important life skills, and shielding children from the natural consequences of their behaviors and choices.

Which one is hardest for you?  Why do you think that's the case?  And are you thinking "now that I know this, how in the world am I supposed to fix it"?  The first step in counteracting overindulgence is recognizing it.  Being aware that you struggle and keeping track of times that trigger it can be helpful.  Establishing healthy limits and boundaries with your children is the next step.  Allowing them to hear the words "no" or "not yet" now and then are more than ok.  And as they get a little older, enlisting them in a service project to help someone in need is a wonderful way to help them gain perspective. 

Some questions to ask yourself if you're concerned about overindulgence:

• Is this something my children really needs?
• Is my child helping in an age-appropriate way at home?
• Whose need am I trying to meet?  Theirs or mine?
• Is this activity or event taking too many of our family resources (time, money, attention)?
• What did this look like in my family of origin?

Another option is to check out Jean Illsley Clarke's book for yourself.  It's an excellent read!

And finally, remember that "occasional indulgences add color, pleasure, and joy to life.  When those same indulgences become a pattern, however, the result is very different  (Clarke, pg. 3)".  I'm not suggesting to swear off of all treats and everything fun.  Just watch for the pattern.

You Are Seen

I see you.  I know how tired and worn out you feel right now. 

Parenting is hard.  It's been said that it's the hardest job you'll ever love.  Today, you may feel like you want to throw in the towel and go back to bed.  Maybe you've felt that way for a very long time and you're wondering when you're going to feel like yourself again.  Maybe you're afraid that your personal struggles are impacting your child.  Maybe you're longing for happier days when the sun was shining and your mood felt lighter.

As a mom myself, I can tell you that I've been there.  There are days that I'm still there.  And at ECFE, you are surrounded by teachers, paraprofessionals, and other parents that have felt exactly the same way.  For some reason, though, we feel the need to keep it all together.  To look like we've got it all figured out and that parenting is a piece of cake.  Why do we do that?

For some, we may feel like parenting should be easier than it is.  We look at our new, fresh little one and while we know how much we love him or her, we feel a little bit like it's not what we signed up for.  Sleepless nights, constant feeding, and incessant crying bring us to the edge of ourselves.  And we allow ourselves to feel shame when we shouldn't, because sometimes it's just hard to have a new baby!

For some, the energy of our busy toddler is exhausting.  We get to the end of the day and realize that the toys are 2 feet deep across the living room, the little cherub is fighting sleep for what feels like hours, and your parenting partner isn't due home for a long time.  There's no end in sight, or so it seems.  And we allow ourselves to feel shame when we shouldn't, because sometimes it's just hard to have a toy-wrecking machine that refuses to sleep and only eats chicken nuggets and cheese.

For some, you've hit the school years and you thought you'd feel better about parenting...that somehow less time with your child would give you some relief...and you find that you spend a good chunk of your day thinking about the challenges that face him or her at school and you're tired.  You want the best for your children and you feel like somehow, you're letting them down.  And you allow yourself to feel shame when you shouldn't, because sometimes it's just hard to realize that we can't fix every difficulty that our kids encounter. 

Hold on, kind and worn out parent.  You are seen.

You are seen by the grandparent at the grocery store that offers to help bag your groceries so you can get out of the store more quickly with your crying baby or restless toddler.  You are seen by your neighbor that pops over with coffee and doesn't care how dirty your house is.  You are seen by your child's school teacher that reassures you that your kiddo is as awesome as you know they are.  And you are seen by us...your community at ECFE. 

Rest in the safety and kindness that your community provides.  Allow yourself to be transparent with at least a few close friends or family members, so you can know that you aren't alone.  One of our biggest goals for parents that attend our classes is that you'd feel welcome and supported.  Parenting is hard.  Finding a source of support is the best gift you can give yourself when the struggle is real. 

Release the shame.  "Unlike guilt, which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong." ~~Marilyn J. Sorensen.  You are the perfect parent for your child.  You are exactly what he or she needs.  You are enough.  We will all make parenting mistakes at one time or another, but that does not define our parenting.  It makes us human.  Your child will learn far more from your humanness than from your perfection. 

Reach out.  If you feel like the sadness just won't lift, reach out to your parent educator or your child's teacher.  They may have a resource for you that you haven't tried yet.  They can point you in the direction that's right for you, and most importantly, they will listen (even when your child doesn't!).

We are here and we are ready to help.  Hold on.  You are seen and cared for!

Finally, for more on releasing shame and embracing vulnerability, this book is an amazing read about life and parenting.  Check it out!