Toys, Toys, Toys

I grew up with two sisters, all of us just two years apart in age. We spent hours playing, exploring and of course, fighting from time to time. The toys we most enjoyed playing with didn't require batteries or have lights or all the bells and whistles. In fact, the toys we most enjoyed allowed us to explore, learn and create with our imaginations. 

One of our favorite toys was our toy kitchen. Our dad and grandpa built an amazing wooden kitchen complete with a fridge, an oven and a cabinet with a sink. We spent hours cooking, playing house, restaurant and, much to my dad's dismay, washing our hair in the kitchen sink when we decided to play hairdresser. Fortunately, we got caught before we managed to cut anyone's hair. The best part of this kitchen is that when my sisters and I started having our own children, my dad and grandpa made the same kitchen set for each of our families. My own kids spent hours playing house, cooking, restaurants and yes, even hairdresser, just like my sisters and I did! 

                                          My oldest playing with the original kitchen.

                                          My oldest and her grandpa ready to play with her 

                                          brand new kitchen.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recently released a statement on toys. Their advice for parents is to choose "high-quality traditional" toys. Toys that engage children's imagination and invention and most importantly, toys that parents and children can play with and enjoy together. The co-author of the paper, Dr. Aleeya Healey, said, "The less bells and whistles a toy comes with, the more it lends itself to creative play and imaginative play." 

Toys like blocks and puzzles allow kids to manipulate the pieces and build fine motor skills, as well as, engage their thinking and problem-solving skills. Props like my kids' kitchen set encourage creative and imaginative play. Books that can be shared over and over again can spark children's play and imagination as well. There's no need to spend lots of money either. Anyone who has watched a young child unwrap an expensive toy and then play with the packaging knows that sometimes the best toys are free. Save your recycling. Let your child explore those boxes and just see what they can create!

So, what was your favorite toy growing up? Did you spend your time playing with Barbies or trucks and cars or building blocks or Lincoln Logs? Maybe it is time to track down some of those old favorites and share them with your child. 

A Generous Spirit

I was recently on my Facebook page and saw a post about a young girl who started her own toy drive to donate new toys to the local children's hospital. As I read through the post, I was left wondering why some children just seem to be naturally generous. They see a need and they are called to do something to meet that need. Is it something they are born with? Do their parents have some sort of magic trick? 

Sometimes when we hear stories like this we are left wondering what we are doing wrong. Why our children aren't displaying generosity in big ways. All kids can be generous and their small acts of generosity, whether it be sharing a toy or helping you shovel the freshly fallen snow are important and can be encouraged. How do we raise children who are generous in both small and big ways?

1. Generosity starts with empathy. Empathy is not an inborn trait. Children are hardwired to care but need to be taught empathy. The best way for children to learn empathy is to be shown empathy. Be the port in your child's storm. In other words, when they are experiencing big emotions, stay calm and respond in a loving way by recognizing and naming their emotions. Help them regulate their emotions by offering comfort and care before addressing their behavior. 
2. Generosity is developmental. All areas of development develop on a continuum. No two children will develop generosity in the same way and timing. 
3. Sharing is a great way for young children to show generosity. That being said sharing can be hard for young children. Make sure you have age appropriate expectations. Children develop sharing and turn taking skills between 3.5 and 4. Younger children can also share but need more support and guidance. Also avoid forcing your child to share. Instead encourage children to share by pointing out how happy their friend is when they share their toy with their friend. Making other people happy makes us happy! 
4. There are several common misconceptions about generosity. Generosity is often viewed as something we do for those with less than us. It is often only associated with giving money or things. There is also a common belief that generosity is only beneficial to the person receiving the generosity. But we know there is so much more to generosity!
5. There are three ways to be generous. You can share your time, talents and treasures. Help your child practice being generous in all these areas. You might encourage them to play a game that someone else wants to do to share their time. You and your child could make cookies or draw pictures to give to a neighbor or friend to share their talents. Sharing their treasures might include donating part of their allowance or toys that they know longer play with to others. 
6. There are many benefits to generosity. Kids who are generous are more likely to do well in school and less likely to abuse drugs/alcohol. Generosity also helps develop leadership skills, such as, learning to respect others, developing patience, and having a better understanding of what makes a good citizen. 
7. Finally, the best way for children to learn how to be generous is to see their parents being generous. Model generosity for your children by sharing your time, talents and treasures with them and with others!

A great way to start practicing generosity with your children is with the 10 Days of Giving Campaign. ECFE and Preschool with be participating in district-wide 10 Days of Giving Campaign to collect toiletry items for the Holiday Train starting December 1st-10th. Participating is easy. Have your child pick out some shampoo, soap, toothbrushes or other toiletry items. Items can be dropped off for donation at our Central Park and District Program offices. Thanks for helping and Happy Giving!

Finding Joy in Parent-Child Interaction Time

I am pretty sure that I have one of the greatest jobs. As a parent educator, I have the opportunity to get to know families and walk along side them. While I don't think I could pick a favorite part of my job, I really enjoy coming along side parents and their children during parent-child interaction time.

If you have taken an Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) class then you know that our classes are built around three important components, early childhood education, parent education and parent/child interaction. Each of these components plays an important role in making ECFE unique from other programs and activities.

Parent-child interaction is all about engagement. It is an opportunity for parents to spend time with their child(ren) in a setting with activities that are designed to be developmentally appropriate. Keep reading for some tips on how to get the most out of parent-child interaction time during your ECFE class or even at home.

1. Follow your child's lead. This can be a little hard for parents to do. We often have friends who come to ECFE each week and play with the same truck or doll or the sensory table for the whole class. Parents of these kiddos might feel tempted to push their child to try a different activity or do the art projects but remember that for young children there is value in repetition.

2. Art is all about the process not the product. Art can be tough for some parents. There is paint and glue and MESS! And parents often feel like the end product needs to look a certain way. At ECFE, we know that the process of making art is more important than the end result. So if your child dives into the paint with their hands instead of the brush or has a turkey that doesn't really look like a turkey, it's okay.

3. Take time to observe your child in action. We can learn so much by taking a step back and watching our children in action. Notice what skills they are working on. How they are interacting with other children and adults. How do they react when something is difficult?

4. Practice COAL. Be Curious about what your child is doing. Be Open to what or how your child is playing. Be Accepting and Loving in your interaction with your child.

5. Put away your phone and keep your focus on your child. This one probably doesn't need much explanation!

And remember to have fun and delight in this special time with your child!

SoWashCo CARES

Have you heard about SoWashCo Cares? This is an amazing program right here in our community that is striving to meet various needs for children, teens and families in District 833. SoWashCo CARES was started a few years ago by Cheryl Jogger after her family participated in a Feed My Starving Children event hosted by the city of Woodbury. She started with posting specific requests that had been passed on to her from school social workers in our district for members of the community to help fill. The CARES stands for Community Action Reaching Every Student.

Two years ago, SoWashCo CARES started a food collection and packing event to provide students who are food insecure with food over Winter Break. The response the first year was amazing. They were able to pack enough food boxes for 200 students! Since that first packing event, SoWashCo CARES has hosted 3 more food packing events to provide food boxes for summer and winter breaks. On November 14th at Oltman Middle School from 6-8pm, they will be hosting their 5th packing event. They are hoping to pack food boxes for 300 students!

By now you may be wondering, "What can I do to help?" That's the great thing about SoWashCo CARES. It is a very accessible program. You can follow SoWashCo CARES on Facebook and Twitter to help fill requests that come from the district's school social workers throughout the year. For families with young children, helping fill these requests is a great way to start introducing your child to service to others, generosity and kindness. Families can also register for the packing event at SoWashCo CARES Winter Pack Event. You can help by dropping off donations of Easy Mac n' Cheese cups and other easily microwavable items at the District Program Center, Central Park in the ECFE suite and the District Service Center.

SoWashCo CARES is also looking for winter clothing for students and families who are in need. Families can check out Winter Clothing Needs to sign up to provide winter gear. New requests are added to the spreadsheet daily and donations will be accepted until all requests are filled. Donors can label their items with the child's number and deliver directly to the social worker at the specific school.

Let's Talk About Guilt

Let's talk about guilt. Specifically, let's talk about mommy and daddy guilt. I have lost count of the number of things I have felt guilty about in my 16 years of motherhood. There was the time I fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon and missed picking my girls up from school. Never mind, that I had been up all night with their sick little brother. I still felt like the worst mom ever when I got to the school and saw the tears on my middle daughter’s face. Or there was the time I accidentally caught my daughter's leg in the sliding door of the van. OOPS! She escaped with a just a bruise, but I still beat myself up for days. Of course, it didn't help that every time we got in the van she would remind me not to shut the door too soon! 

As parents we are our toughest critics. We think about all the things we should have, would have, could have done and feel guilty. This guilt can lead us to doubt ourselves as parents. I'm not saying that all guilt is bad. Feeling guilty for losing my temper with my kids has led me to apologize and try really hard to find ways to remain calm during other tough interactions. 

I recently read an article, 5 Ways to Cope when Mom Guilt is Getting the Best of You, by Taylor Pittman. She highlights the causes of and ways to shut down parental guilt. As I was reading the article, I could think of times in my life where I have experienced guilt in each of these areas. 

Taking care of yourself is taking care of your family.

Recently, my husband and I had the opportunity to go out for a rare date night. My son is not a fan of us going out at night and being babysat by his sisters. He especially has a hard time going to bed when at least one of us isn't home with him. Despite being excited about a night out with my husband, I also was dreading the inevitable tearful phone call asking when we would be home because every time I feel guilty that I am not home to handle bedtime. When this type of guilt arises, I just have to remember that spending time with my husband makes me happy and refreshes me. I am a better mom when I take care of myself and my relationship with my husband. 

Missing out on milestones or other kid events does not make you a bad parent.

I have 3 kids and husband who travels for work. It is impossible for me to make it to all my kids' events. And despite knowing this, I still feel guilty for missing out on seeing my kids' events. It is even worse for my husband who misses out due to work. He tries very hard to be present and engaged with the kids and their activities when he is home. Parents miss out on kid activities and even milestones because parenthood is only part of who we are. We might have work, other children, family and variety of other responsibilities. The key to lessening these feelings of guilt is to be present and delight in your children when you are with them. In other words, enjoy the activities and milestones you do get to experience with your child. 

The perfect parent is a myth.

There are a lot of messages parents receive about what they should be doing as parents. Limit screen time, only healthy foods and snacks, educational opportunities, reading daily, just to name a few. But let's get real, maintaining all of these high and lofty goals 100% of the time would be exhausting and certainly guilt inducing when we aren't able to maintain perfection. This where the 80/20 rule comes in handy. Throw out perfection and embrace the idea of being good enough because that is all your child needs you to be. 

Social media is not reality. 

Anyone who has ever attempted to take a family picture with young children can tell you that for every decent shot you take there are probably 10 where someone is crying, not looking at the camera, not smiling or even better, intentionally making a goofy face. Yet, those aren’t the pictures we share. Parents need to put on reality goggles when on social media. Remember that the perfect lives we see in other's posts  are not reality. There were probably tears, and maybe even some yelling before "perfection" was captured. Even better, let's get real about what we share on social media. Share the not so perfect story and pictures that truly capture what real-life is all about. 

It's okay to make mistakes.

Parenting is hard. There are going to be times when you don't make the right decision or lose your cool. I have stopped feeling guilty for messing up as a mom. Instead, I choose to see those moments as an opportunity to show my kids that no one is perfect. That it is okay to make mistakes. What matters in life is how we handle those mistakes and learn from them that make us better people. 

Join me in making parenting a No Guilt Zone. Let go of the things that you have been feeling guilty about. Be present with your children. Delight in them. Take time for you. And remember that your child just needs you to be good enough!

Outdoor Play

Fall is upon us. The air is getting cooler and the days are getting shorter. For many of us Minnesotans, we see these as the early warning signs of  the long, cold winter ahead. The cooler temperatures can often lead us to avoid getting outside with our kids. We all know it is a lot more work to get a little one out the door when you have to deal with jackets and maybe even hats and mittens and not just shoes! My challenge to you is this; find some time for outdoor adventures with your child several times a week.

Here are five reasons why you should head outside with your kids:

• Physical Health-Research shows that being outdoors causes children's heart rates to slow, blood pressure to drop and higher levels of relaxation. Time spent playing outside also gives kids a dose of vitamin D through exposure to sunlight which is important to their growth and healthy immune systems. Outdoor play also tends to be active, physical play that encourages gross motor development.
• Imagination/Play-Outdoor environments present kids with a vast array of materials, from sticks to rocks to flowers to leaves, for children to explore. This variety allows children to engage in a wide range of open-ended play activities. The stick your preschooler finds might be a magic wand one minute and a sword the next! The outdoor environment is continuously changing based on the seasons, daily weather, etc. These change allow our kids to explore in new ways each time they interact with nature, encouraging creativity, imagination and learning. 
• Sleep-That's right SLEEP! Studies have shown that more outdoor playtime leads to better sleep. Kids who play outside more are more likely to sleep through the night. Sunlight helps regulate our sleep patterns. Plus the physical activity kids engage in outside leads kids to fall asleep faster and get better sleep.
• How to handle risk-The variety and changeability of the outdoors makes a perfect environment for children to explore and learn how to deal with risky situations and set personal limits. This might include climbing rocks or trees, building a fort, running, jumping, using tools or even exploring at a playground. Kids learn how to overcome challenges and deal with unpredictable events on their own when allowed to take reasonable risks. Kids who are allowed to explore in "dangerous" situations learn how to keep themselves safe. I get it. This can be a tough one for parents. We all worry about our kids getting hurt. Just remember, I said reasonable risk. Be close by and watch your child for cues that they may be getting in over their heads. Only then, should you step in with encouragement and support. 
• Socialization-Anyone who has ever taken a preschool-aged child to the park can knows that usually the child makes at least one new friend each time. This is because at this age kids' friends tend to be other children who are nearby. Outdoor environments, especially parks, tend to provide kids with other kids to play with. Kids have the opportunity to learn from one another. Kids also can also practice being both a leader and a follower, cooperation skills and how to deal with conflict. While indoor play with other children allows kids to practice these same skills, the openness and space provided in the outdoors allows kids to interact with one another more gradually. The larger physical space allows them to choose when to interact by giving each child more physical space. 

So now that we cover why we should head outside with, it is time to think about the how and the what. Going to your local park/playground is a great option for getting outside but it is only one. Check out one of the many Nature Centers and State  or Washington County parks. Click on any of the links below for more ideas on how to get out and enjoy nature with your child. 

• https://www.naeyc.org/our-work/families/ideas-exploring-outdoors
• https://theimaginationtree.com/60-nature-play-ideas-for-kids/
• http://www.playgroupnsw.org.au/ParentResources/PlayActivities/nature-play-activities
• http://www.greenheartsinc.org/uploads/25_Easy_Nature_Play_Ideas_for_Early_Childhood_Centers_-_website_version.pdf

Happy Exploring to You!

Welcome Back!

Welcome back to the 2018/2019 school year!

The first week of ECFE classes, 3-year-old preschool and 4-year-old preK is in the books. We had so much fun meeting all of the families and kids who will be participating in our fabulous program this year. There are a lot of exciting things happening this year in our South Washington County Schools Early Learning program. Keep reading to learn more. 

3-year-old preschool and 4-year-old preK

Our preschool teachers are working hard to continue the alignment work that began last year. Teachers are continuing to learn more about our new assessment tool, TS Gold. We are also excited that last spring and over the summer our teachers and coordinators created a brand new Progress Report that will be shared with parents during parent-teacher conferences. This new Progress Report is linked to our TS Gold assessment tool by clearly showing specific developmental skills that kids in our 3-year-old and 4-year-old preschoolers are working on developing. 

We are continuing our focus on supporting the social emotional development of all our students. Research shows that a child's social and behavioral competency predicts their future academic success to a greater extent than their cognitive skills. Helping our students feel safe and connected at school is key to preparing them for the next big step, Kindergarten. 

Parents of our preschoolers will also have the opportunity to participate in our Preschool Text to Connect program. We started this program last year and are excited to be able to continue offering it this school year. Parents who sign up for this program will receive weekly texts that provide facts about social emotional development and easy to implement activities and tools to support that development. Watch for more information on how to sign up coming soon. 

ECFE

This year, our ECFE program is continuing to offer all of your age specific classes as well as some exciting new options. 

We are continuing to offer an online parent education class, No Drama Discipline. If you are interested in taking a deeper look at what discipline is, how our brains impact our behavior and practical ideas for effective discipline, this is the class for you. Our hybrid online class starts on Thursday, Oct. 4th with families meeting together to get to know one another. The next four weeks are exclusively online. We meet in person again for the final week to wrap up the topic. Registration is available here.

We also have new drop-in playtimes throughout the week. 

Central Park

Wednesdays for 24-36 months, 12:00-1:00 pm, Cost $3/child or $10/family

Thursdays for birth to 5 years, 3:00-4:30 pm, Cost $4/child or $10/family

Fridays for birth to 5 years, 11:30-1:00 pm, Cost $4/child or $10/family

DPC

Tuesdays for birth to 5 years, 12:30-2:30 pm, Cost $5/child or $10/family

Thursdays for birth to 5 years, 12:30-2:30 pm, Cost $5/child or $10/family

Valley Crossing

New Parent Connection - Tuesdays for 6-12 months, 4:30-5:45 pm (FREE)

Wednesdays for birth to 5 years, 9:15-11:15 am, Cost $5/child or $10/family

We are looking forward to a wonderful school year with all the families participating in our program. 

Summer Fun!

It is hard to believe that last week we wrapped up our ECFE classes and in just a few short days our preschool classes will end for the summer. Getting to know you and your child has been a highlight of the year for our staff. We are grateful that we had the opportunity to work with all of the families who participated in our program. We hope that you and your child have learned lots and made new friends.

With summer vacation fast approaching, we want to leave you with some resources to carry you through the summer.

Summer Safety Resources:

• https://www.cdc.gov/family/kids/summer/index.htm
• http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/summerspotlight/
• http://www.seattlechildrens.org/safety-wellness/safety/summer-safety-tips/

At the end of each school year, the parents in my classes help to create a summer fun list. Below you will find several fun places to visit and adventures to go on with your children. 

Parks

• Teddy Bear Park-Stillwater
• Pioneer Park-Stillwater
• Minnehaha Falls-4801 Minnehaha Dr., Minneapolis
• Chutes and Ladders-Hyland Park Reserve, 10145 Bush Lake Rd, Bloomington
• Good Times Park-Eagan
• Woodbury Parks Events (Puppet Wagon, Performances, etc) https://bit.ly/2kA6qGP

Water Fun

• Carver Lake Beach
• Lake Elmo Park Reserve
• Splash Pads
• Beilenberg Sports Center
• Highland Park in Cottage Grove
• Cascade Bay-Eagan
• Waterworks-Battle Creek Park, St. Paul

Out and About

• Como Zoo
• Minnesota Zoo
• Stillwater Summer Tuesdays- www.summertuesdays.com
• Hastings Historic Saturday Night Cruise-In's- http://www.downtownhastingsmn.com/Cruise-In-Car-Shows.html
• North St. Paul's Friday Night History Cruzer Car Show- www.historycruzer.com
• Starlight Movies-Ojibway Park https://bit.ly/2kA6qGP
• Washington County Library https://bit.ly/2H4yriw

Have a fun and safe summer. And we hope to see you in the fall for ECFE or Preschool classes!

I'm Sorry...So Sorry

I recently had another mothering misstep. You know, one of those times as a parent where you know you have officially lost any hope of winning the Mother of the Year Award again. My oldest daughter was recently inducted into the National Honor Society at her high school. Needless to say, my husband and I are very proud of her hard work that went into achieving this honor. We were looking forward to going to the awards ceremony and celebrating her hard work. The night arrived for the awards ceremony and, due to our schedules, we all ended up driving separately to the awards ceremony. After the ceremony, I headed to the cafeteria for the reception to wait for my daughter. She however, hopped in her car to go find her friends, thinking that I had headed home. I began to wonder if she left but kept thinking to myself, there's no way she left. I mean, seriously, when in her 16 years of having me as a mom have I not wanted pictures and to celebrate these special events? I finally find out that she left and I was mad, not just mad--hurt and angry. So I call my daughter and it all goes wrong from there. I order her home and not so nicely tell her that I am angry. Of course, this leads to an argument. The whole time this is going on I know I am not doing a great job of handling the situation and yet I can't seem to right the ship and defuse the situation. It ends with her in tears and me still feeling mad at the situation and myself. In the end, I calm down. She calms down. And I know that I owe her an apology for how I handled my anger. 

 

Apologizing to our kids is important. Kids learn what it means to be sorry, apologize and forgive another person by being on the receiving end of an apology. We model all of these for our kids when we truly apologize to them. When we truly apologize to our children, they learn to recognize right and wrong. We repair and strengthen our relationship with them. Kids also learn how to take responsibility for their actions. 

 

Think about the last time you apologized to your child. Was it a true apology? All too often as parents we apologize to our kids by saying things like, "I am sorry you are mad that you can't have a cookie before dinner" or "I am sorry I yelled at you but.." Neither of these are a true apology. Parents use apologies like these to soften the blow of setting a limit or in the case of the second example, point out what their child had done wrong. 

 

When we truly apologize to our children, we accept responsibility for what we did wrong. We name it and claim. In the case of my example above, it went like this. "I owe you an apology. I am sorry I yelled at you. My feelings were hurt and I let that shape how I talked to you. I should have just told you my feelings were hurt without yelling and making you feel bad. I am sorry." Of course once I apologized, she apologized too, knowing she was in the wrong too. 

 

Screen Free Week

Most of us parents know already that screens are pervasive. They are everywhere: our cars, restaurants, our homes, and our pockets. Screens are so pervasive that, according to Common Sense Media, 98% of kids ages 0-8 have access to mobile devices such as tablets and smart phones.

Now you might be thinking, "UGH! Not another guilt trip about letting my kids access technology." Trust me that is not my goal. Instead, I hope to encourage you to reflect. Reflect on how your family uses technology. The when, what, where and how your child interact with television and mobile devices. And maybe, just maybe, challenge you to participate in Screen Free Week in some way. 

Screen Free Week runs April 30-May 6. What exactly is Screen Free Week? Screen Free Week actually started way back in 1994 with goal of lessening the amount of time people were watching TV. Of course, as we know television is just one of many screens that kids and families utilize. The goal of screen free week is to provide an annual, international celebration that encourages families to exchange technology entertainment for other activities that don't require screens. The hope is that families will connect with one another, friends, family and the world around them in place of digital entertainment. 

The idea of going complete cold-turkey on technology for an entire week might cause a little moment of panic. I know I feel a little overwhelmed by the idea. So instead of biting off more than my family and I can chew, we are going to make some small changes to how we are using technology. Here a few ideas we are going to try: 

• Phone free hour-Everyone will put their phones away for an hour each night. 
• Play Outside-Everyone will go outside and play instead of watching TV after school. 
• Board Game Night
• Nature walk/hike 

So I encourage you and your family to make a plan, commit for a whole week of screen free or just make some small changes for even just an hour or two per day. For more ideas check out the Additional Resources section on the Screen Free Week Website. 

What's your button?

We all have them. You know, those behaviors in our kids or other people that drive us crazy. Make us want to pull out our hair. That push our BUTTONS!!!! Whining was a big button pushing behavior for me when my kids were younger. Use your big girl voice was my mantra. I would spend what felt like all day everyday repeating this to my daughter. And then my husband would come home and in one moment erase this message by giving her what she whined for. This, of course, pushed my buttons too! I don't tell this story to criticize my husband. Quite the contrary, I had to learn that what pushed my buttons didn't necessarily push my husbands' buttons. In fact, he didn't even notice when our daughter was whining. He had to train himself to listen for the whining.

Whether its your kids bickering or not listening the first time or picky eating or temper tantrums that push your buttons, it is important to be aware of what is really going on when your buttons are being pushed.

Conscious Discipline is a discipline approach that focuses on internal mental state of children and parents first and the behavior second. The basic idea is that "we can learn to consciously manage our own thoughts and emotions so we can help children learn to do the same" (Conscious Discipline Brain State). There are three brain states:

• Survival State-This state is focused on the question, Am I Safe? The survival state brings on a fight, flight or freeze response. The only way to calm a survival state is to provide a sense of safety. 
• Emotional State-This state is focused on the question, Am I Loved? The emotional state brings on temper tantrums in kids. Parents, in this state, have an emotional response. This might include frustration and anger. This is when we get into asking the "What is wrong with you question?" or thinking, "They shouldn't be acting this way." The only way to calm an emotional state is to provide a sense of connection. 
• Executive State-This is the thinking, learning, rational and logical state. In this state, we are able to think through and problem-solve so we can make better choices. 

So what does this mean for us as parents when our buttons are being pushed? When we are in the survival or emotional state, we are reactive. As parents, this typically means that we revert back to parenting the way we were parented even if this approach is harmful or ineffective. The executive state is receptive. It is in this state that we can learn, think and problem-solve. It makes sense then that when dealing with challenging behaviors it is important for parents to be aware of which state they are in. We cannot help our children learn to be aware of their internal states and behaviors if we are being reactive.

So my challenge to you is this: spend some time reflecting on those button pushing behaviors. What is it about those behaviors that push your buttons? How do you feel when your buttons are being pushed? How do you respond? It is only by being conscious of our own internal states and behaviors that we can help our children recognize theirs.

The Expectation Gap

One of my kids' favorite pastimes, when they were toddlers, was to take every single book off of our bookshelves. They would stand at the bookshelf, pulling the books off one by one while shaking their head and saying "No, No, No!"

My kids definitely knew they weren't supposed to do this so why did they always do it? I had obviously told them NO many times! Were they being naughty? Did they just want to drive me crazy? The answer to these questions was a resounding No!

In a recent survey of parents, Zero to Three found that the majority of parents' beliefs about their child's ability for self-control is overestimated. Some of the findings of the survey include:

• 56% of parents believe children have the ability to resist doing something that is forbidden before the age of three and 36% believe that children under that age of two have this kind of self-control. Brain research shows that these skills start developing between three and a half and four years and takes many more years to be used consistently.
• 43% of parents think children can share and take turns with other children before age two. This skill only develops between 3 to 4 years of age. 
• 24% of all parents believe that children are able to control their emotions, such as not having a tantrum when frustrated, at one year or younger, while 42% believe children have this ability by two years. Research shows this type of self-control is also just starting to develop between three and four years of age. (www.livingandloving.co.za)

This expectation gap explains why so many parents are frustrated by behavior that is actually developmentally appropriate. One of our goals in South Washington County ECFE is to provide parents with information about typical development so they can adjust their expectations of their child's behavior.

For me, this meant honoring my children's impulse to remove the books from the book shelf but limiting the mess this created. I moved most of the books up to higher shelves and left behind a handful of board books so they could empty the shelf to their heart's content.

16 years...In the Blink of an Eye

So I have officially been a mom for 16 years. Somehow, I closed my eyes and my first baby went from this: 

to this:

I have learned a lot of things over the past 16 years. For instance: 

• I have learned that when you say, "You have to eat some of your hot dog before you have more strawberries," you sound really dumb. 
• I have learned that if you say it, you have to follow through, i.e., "if you keep acting like this we aren't going to the park". (Immediately after saying this, I realized I am now trapped in the house with three cranky kids by myself!) 
• I have learned that you make rules you never think you will need to have. When my kids were in their nudist stage, we had a rule about needing to wear underpants at the table. 

The most important thing I have learned is that parenting is an exercise in letting go. As a parent, you let go of many things. You learn to pick your battles and not sweat the small things. It was for this very reason that my daughter wore pick cowboy boots with EVERYTHING for almost the entire third year of her life! You let go of having a tidy house. Wait...maybe that was just me, but I don't think I am the only one who had rooms that were overrun with kid paraphernalia! You let go of sleep...Sleep, what is that? 

But the hardest thing to let go of is your kids. Parenting is the gradual process of watching your child, your baby, grow, learn and become their own person. It started small with my baby crawling and then walking. Her circle expanded. She explored new places and things without relying completely on me. Suddenly, she wasn't a baby but was a toddler and then a preschooler heading off to her first day of school. Then came the day when I had to ask to hold her hand walking into the building for her first day of kindergarten. That little girl walked into the school like she owned the place. All along the way, I watched her turn into her own person. I worked hard to find a balance between supporting, letting her go, and being there to catch her when she fell. And now I am faced with the next big step in letting go. Next week, I will be handing her the keys to the car and watching her drive away from me by herself! She's ready and I think I am ready too. It will be hard but it will also be something I celebrate. 

For the mommies and daddies in the midst of the early stages of letting go, my message is this: It is hard but it is so rewarding. Remember you are laying the groundwork now for when they are older and more independent. Give them opportunities to try things on their own and then celebrate it when they do it. Give them lots of practice making little decisions, like what color cup they want or if they want apple or banana for snack. Let them fail. I know it is hard to watch them fail, but failure is just an opportunity to learn. Be their safe place to fall, their port in the storm. Stay calm, when they aren't and show them lots of empathy. And remember to cherish these moments with your little one!

Mealtime Madness

It's dinner time. What's happening at your house? I'm sure it looks something like this. Everyone is sitting at the table. Engaged in conversation, using their manners, eating what you made and talking about how delicious dinner is...Oh wait! I'm sorry. I was obviously transported so some sort of 1950's dreamland. If your family is anything like mine when my kids were little, someone has said EWW or GROSS! Someone has spilt their milk. Someone has climbed in and out of their seat 900 times.  And by the time I got to eat my food was cold. In other words, not necessarily a relaxing or enjoyable experience.

It goes without saying that mealtimes can be challenging with young children. There are several reason for these challenges. Here are just a few:

1. Developmental-Young children can be naturally clumsy as they are learning how their body works and developing their motor skills. This can obviously lead to some messes. Another developmental challenge is a young child's attention span. Keep mealtime short; no more than 20 minutes. 
2. Picky Eaters-A common problem for many parents of toddlers is picky eating. Some kids are naturally more sensitive to tastes, smells and textures. Other times, kids discover that food is one of the things they can control. Also, they can learn their picky eating from their parents or other family members. It can take up to 20 times trying a new food for a child to know if they like it or not. 
3. Portion-sizes-I remember being very worried that my first was not eating enough when she was a toddler. My idea of portion-size was skewed. A good rule of thumb for kids is 1 Tbsp per year is a serving. So a two-year-old would eat 2 Tbsp of peas to equal 1 serving of vegetable.

I could probably keep listing challenges, but it seems like it might be good to start looking at solutions. 

1. Set clear age-appropriate expectations and rules. 
2. Model your expectations. Say please and thank you. Eat a variety of food. Try new foods. 
3. Utilize the division of labor.
1. Parents' Jobs-Decide when, what, where and how the meal will be served. 
2. Children's Jobs-Decide what and how much to eat of the foods you offer. 
4. Cook one meal. Once your child has moved beyond eating purees and is eating bite-size pieces of food offer them the same food as you are eating, as long as there is no safety issue (i.e., choking hazard.) It can be helpful to include one food that you know your child will eat if you are offering something they might not like. 
5. Involve your child in food prep. Let them choose foods to try at the grocery store. Give them age appropriate jobs. Click here for a list of age-appropriate kitchen tasks.
6. Schedule snacks and meals throughout the day. Try not to feed your child a snack 2 hours before a meal. 

If you want to learn more about mealtimes and feeding young children, check out the The Ellen Satter Institute. 

Building Your Child's Brain

Did you know that South Washington County ECFE offers online parent education classes? Our 6-week online class offers a unique mix of in-person and online learning. Families participating in the this class join us in-person for parent and child activities on the first and last evenings of the class. During the four weeks in between, all learning happens online. Parents join one of our parent educators for a weekly chat on Thursdays at 8:15 pm-9 pm. Each week, materials are posted to the online class page for parents to check out when it is convenient for them. 

Starting on Thursday, February 22nd, our newest online class, Building Your Child's Brain, will begin. One thing that is frequently heard about brain development is that 90% of brain development occurs during the first 5 years of life. While it is important for parents to know this information, it can be a little daunting when we think about ways to help support and encourage brain development. The goal of this course is provide parents with information and practical tips and activities that will assist them in supporting and encouraging their child's brain development.

Each week we will explore a different focus in the area of brain development. The schedule of the class will be as follows:

• Week 1-In-Person at the District Program Center (DPC) in Cottage Grove at 6pm-7:30pm. We will spend some time getting to know one another, enjoy parent-child activities and get an overview of the online class site. 
• Week 2 Online-Movement and Brain Development. Explore why movement is so important to brain development. 
• Week 3 Online-Play and Brain Development. Play is how young children learn. Parents will learn more about how and why play is a key to brain development. 
• Week 4 Online-Technology and Brain Development. Technology is so prevalent in our lives today. Learn more about how technology impacts brain development. 
• Week 5 Online-Parent-Child Interactions and Brain Development. Learn more about how parent-child relationships, including discipline, impacts brain development. 
• Week 6-In-Person at the DPC in Cottage Grove at 6pm-7:30pm. We will enjoy some more parent-child activity and have time to recap and answer any remaining questions from the class.  

We hope you will join us for this class. The cost for this class is $30. Registration available at South Washington County ECFE.

The ABCs of Challenging Behavior

Parents of young children can probably create a never ending list of challenging behaviors. Whether it be tantrums or getting out of bed at night or taking toys from other children, the list can go on and on. The challenge for parents is to ask themselves what do these challenging behaviors mean? It is not uncommon for parents to view challenging behavior as naughtiness or frustrating or bad. The point of the post is to hopefully change your parenting mindset around challenging behavior. 

So you might be wondering if challenging behavior isn't naughtiness, what is it? The best way to answer this question is with a short story from my own parenting experience. When my now 13-year-old daughter was a toddler, she would have massive meltdowns. We are talking Mount Vesuvius erupting meltdowns. Once she got going there was no stopping it. We were in for at least 30 minutes of crying and screaming. My husband and I tried a variety of techniques to try and stop these meltdowns, everything from time-outs to taking away toys to having a few parental meltdowns right along with her. Needless to say, none of these punitive approaches to stopping these meltdowns worked. So what did work, you ask. Juice. That's right juice. For some reason, in the midst of an epic no holds barred meltdown, one of us gave her a glass of juice to try and calm her down. That little girl couldn't get the juice into her system fast enough. She slurped it down in great big gulps and instantly felt better. So what did we learn? We learned that she was melting down because of a physical reaction to having low blood sugar. We learned that no form of punishment on the back end of these meltdowns was going to make her stop having meltdowns. We needed to start watching for the signs that she was getting hungry sooner. And more importantly, we needed to teach her to listen to her body and tell us when she was getting hungry or hangry, as we now call it! 

This brings me back to my original question. If challenging behavior isn't naughtiness, what is it? It is communication. Our daughter was communicating to us that she was hungry but wasn't able to tell us this with her words. So take a minute and think about a challenging behavior that your child engages in frequently. Is he grabbing toys from a friend? Is she getting out of bed multiple times at bedtime? What is your child trying to communicate or think of it as what is the reason behind the behavior? A child who grabs toys might not know how to ask for a turn. The preschooler who climbs out of bed repeatedly might be feeling scared or alone. 

It can be difficult to determine what the exact reason behind your child's behavior is. Some common reasons behind challenging behaviors are: 

• Gaining adult attention (positive or negative)
• Acquiring an item or activity
• Avoiding a job, direction, activity or attention. 

An Antecedent-Behavior-Consequence (ABC) chart can be a useful tool for helping you determine what your child is trying to tell you through their behavior. Describe the antecedent or what happened right before the behavior. Describe the behavior. Describe the consequence. Over time, you will begin to notice a pattern. The child who grabs toys away from other kids always does it when other children play with his train set. The child who gets out of bed multiple times stays in bed when mom or dad sits in his room for a few minutes when they put him back to bed. 

Once you have discovered a pattern to the behavior, now it is time to find a way to lessen the occurrence of the behavior. You can find ways to prevent a behavior from happening. Putting away  special toys before play dates. You can teach the child an appropriate way to act. In my daughter's case, we had to teach her how to notice she was getting hungry, stop what she was doing and tell us. Finally, you can reinforce positive behavior and not negative behavior. This can be done through modeling and encouragement. 

So to end this post, I want to leave you with a challenge. Stop viewing challenging behavior as naughtiness or being bad. And start seeing it as a form of communication. Change your parenting mindset!

Meet our Coordinators!

Now some might say that I am a little biased, but I firmly believe that South Washington County Schools has the best Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE), 3’s preschool and 4 year-old PreK program. Families who participate in our programs can see all the hard work and dedication of our teachers and paras. And we love our teachers and paras! Some of the families in our program might not know that we have 3 coordinators who hard behind the scenes to support our teachers and paras and make our programs run as smoothly as possible. So, without further ado, meet our coordinators:

Our newest coordinator is Teri Odegaard. Teri has recently transitioned into the role of PreK coordinator. She has worked with South Washington County Schools ECFE and School Readiness programs for the past 18 years. Thirteen of those years were spent with children and families in ECFE. For the past 5 years, Teri has been a PreK teacher at Liberty Ridge Elementary. Teri got her teaching degree from the University of Wisconsin-Stout. In her new role as PreK coordinator, she will be supporting our 3’s preschool and 4 year-old PreK teachers in the elementary buildings throughout the district. She is looking forward to visiting the classrooms and working collaboratively with our wonderful teachers. Outside of her position here, Teri lives in Wisconsin with her husband, Jeremy, their two daughters, Emily and Megan, and dogs, Zoe and Oscar. Their family enjoys visiting National Parks and have been to 11 out of 52 so far.

Susan Somers began working in the district as a parent educator and early childhood educator in the fall of 2012. She became an ECFE Site & Outreach Coordinator this past August. Susan recently received her Masters Degree in Family Education in August from the University of Minnesota…Go Gophers! In her position as coordinator, her time is split between overseeing ECFE programming at our Central Park location and our Outreach programs (which includes assisting teachers with home visiting, Woodwinds hospital partnership, WIC partnership, early learning connection, young parents, social media and online parent education, and the LEAP program that pairs ECFE with ACCESS/ELL). Susan’s favorite part of her job is personally connecting with families. She loves to watch parents and children get plugged into our fun and supportive learning environment. Helping ECFE grow and reach new families in our community is great, too. Outside of work, Susan is a mom to three sons, Tyson, Nathan and Justin. She also enjoys traveling to see friends, home decorating and DIY projects, and spending time with family.

Kari Deslauriers has been with South Washington County Schools ECFE and School Readiness for 3 years. Within those three years, she has been on the Pyramid Implementation Team and a Pyramid Coach as well as on the Social Emotional Support Team and Site Based Management. Kari loves working and teaming with staff and seeing how their hard work influences the learning of their students and their connections with families. She received her degree in Early Childhood Education and Early Childhood Special Education from the University of Minnesota. As a site coordinator, her main role is to keep the DPC running smoothly every day. That can be everything from ordering supplies, finding substitutes, and tweaking schedules to climbing ladders and small repairs. Kari strives to support teachers by listening to what they need and helping them in anyway that she can. She also enjoys getting into the classrooms to build relationships with students and families. Her favorite part of her job is probably a tie between working with amazing teachers, paras, and administrative team members and seeing smiles of children as they come to school each day! When Kari isn’t at work, she enjoys reading, crafting, taking classes or working in the garden. She also enjoys taking in live music with friends as well as going to theater productions. She has a niece and nephew who she enjoys spending time playing with and watching their sporting events. Kari got married this fall. Congratulations!

So, the next time you are at one of our sites and see Teri, Susan or Kari, please take a minute to thank them for all their hard work. Of course, you can always reach out to them with questions too.