Lessons Learned from Parenting Together

Last week after a particularly long day, my best friend and I met up for a late dinner. Both of us had a similar day that included arguing with our sons about getting their homework done. I had the unreasonable expectation that my son needed to do his homework and study for a test before he went to his friend's house. Hopefully you read that last sentence with the right amount of sarcasm 😂. So, as we sat and commiserated with one another, the conversation turned to what our husbands were doing during this time. We both laughed and joked about how our husbands came in during the middle of all that was going on and didn't do a very good job of reading the room. In fact, my husband's off the cuff comment that normally would have made me laugh just irked me even more which is why a late dinner with my friend to blow off some steam was just what I needed. 

Now at this point I could spend the rest of this blog telling you funny stories about the things my husband has done through the years that have left me thinking, "19 years. You have been a parent for 19 years." However, that is not my goal. I actually want to talk about the lessons my husband and I have learned about parenting together that have made us more successful as parents. 

First, be consistent, but remember consistency is does not mean the same. When our kids were young, we had a consistent bedtime routine. The kids put on their pajamas and brushed their teeth. Then we would read a book or two, sing their songs and tuck them into bed. The way this routine was completed wasn't always the same depending on whether my husband or I were in charge. When daddy did bedtime, there was usually a race to see who could get their jammies on first. In general bedtime was a little more playful when daddy was in charge. There was usually a little bit of wrestling, tickling and even a few pretend body slams during the tucking in stage of the routine. The bedtime routine was a little more basic and calmer when I was in charge. Despite these differences, the routine was consistent, and the end result was our kids went to bed. 

The next important lesson we have learned is to be a unified team. Our rule is that if one of us disciplines our children, we back each other up even if we disagree with the reason or approach. This rule has taught our children that they can't pit us against each other. We would talk to one another in private after the situation was resolved if one of us disagreed with the other. This allowed us to get on the same page going forward. The only caveat to this rule is if you feel your partner is being neglectful or abusive. You need to put your foot down and stop what is happening if you feel something your partner is doing is physically or emotionally detrimental to your child. 

We have also found it is important to stand up for one another. There was a period time where my daughters would insist that their dad NEVER gave their brother consequences. He ALWAYS took their brother's side. I felt it was important to empathize with my daughters but also to stand up for my husband and point out times when he did give their brother a consequence or came to their defense when their brother was being a pill. And in return my husband has stood up for me when our kids were being unkind to me. 

Knowing our strengths and using them has also helped us be successful as parents. My husband is very good at using humor to diffuse situations. This was especially helpful when dealing with my middle daughter during her preschool years. There were frequent times when I purposely stepped back and let my husband manage her behavior because he was able to calm her or redirect her through humor which was very effective. On the other hand, I was able to manage my older daughter's big emotions more effectively because I listened and talked about her feelings before trying to problem-solve. My husband would jump right to problem-solving which would just lead to the two of them getting upset with one another. 

Another helpful lesson we learned is to give each other a break from parenting. I was a stay-at-home mom for 11 years and there were definitely days that were longer and harder than other days. These were the days where my husband would send me off by myself when he got home. Usually, I would take whatever book I was reading and go out to dinner by myself or meet up with a friend. We also found ways to support our own hobbies and interests. My husband has played soccer his entire life. When our kids were young, we made his soccer games a family affair. The kids and I went along to watch the games and cheer for him. We continue to set aside one night a week for him to play soccer. 

Finally, it is important make your relationship with your parenting partner a priority. My husband and I have found we are much happier and effective parents when we make our relationship a priority. How we do this has changed as our children have gotten older. We used to have a weekly stay-at-home date night. Once a week, after our kids were in bed, we would have a date at home. Sometimes this was a late dinner. Other times we would play a board game or cards. Our only rules were we couldn't watch tv or spend the time talking about parenting issues. Now that our kids our older, we can out for our dates. Usually this means a visit to a local brewery. 

What lessons have you learned so far during your parenting journey? Taking time to reflect on these lessons can further develop and create consistency with your parenting strategies. 

Roots & Wings

The Dalai Lama once said, "Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and a reason to stay." There are many different variations of this quote when it comes to children and parents. I am sure most of you have probably heard one of them before. This idea of roots and wings has been on my mind a lot lately. Over the past month, I have moved my oldest daughter back to college and my baby is starting his freshman year of high school. But the thing that really has me thinking about roots and wings, is the fact that my middle daughter had her last first day of high school last week. Somehow this sweet but stubborn little girl

has grown into this amazing young lady.

It has been a lot for my momma heart to handle. There have been some tears, worry and wishing for time to slow down largely on my part, not so much my kids. My kids are ready for these next big adventures. And that brings me to this idea of roots and wings. 

What does it truly mean to give our children roots and wings? I believe that roots are the core values and lessons we teach our children. Think of this in terms of answering the question "What traits do I want my child to have as an adult?" My answer to this includes kindness, respect, hardworking, responsible and so much more. These are the lessons and values we have tried to teach our children. I also believe roots are the sense that no matter what there are people who love and support them. We are their safe place to fall. Strong roots also help our children have a strong sense of who they are or self-identity. They feel comfortable exploring the world and what interests them because they know who they are and where they come from. 

Wings, on the other hand, are all about letting go. Giving our children wings is to trust them to go out into the world and hopefully make it a better place. It is swallowing down your nervousness, worry and tears when your 17-year-old tell you she probably wants to go to college in the Pacific Northwest. That is a long way away for my girl to fly! Giving her wings means embracing that adventure with her and encouraging her along the way. Wings means allowing our children to find their own path and giving them our blessing. And you know what? Giving our children wings isn't easy. It is a process that starts when they are babies and grows and grows with them. 

So, how do we as parents give our child both roots and wings? 

• Respond to your child's needs in a sensitive and responsive way. Building roots starts when your child is a baby. You strengthen their attachment to you which lets them know that you are their safe place. At the same time, you are already starting to grow their wings when you encourage them by providing them with developmentally appropriate activities, like tummy time, or when you tune into what they are noticing in the world around them. 
• Set age-appropriate limits. Limits are the parachute that helps our children as they test out their wings. Limits help teach our children about safety, how to interact with others and so many more life lessons. For example, a common issue for many families is getting their children to help clean up their toys. This is where a limit can come into play. For younger children, I might set the limit by saying "First we are going to pick up the toys. Then we will go outside." To help facilitate this process, I might give my child a smaller container and ask them to pick up all the cars while I pick up the blocks. How is this limit building roots for my child? This limit helps your child learn to be responsible for their items and to take care of their things. 
• Gradually transfer power and control to your child. When I participated in ECFE, my parent educator talked about the power triangle. The idea behind this triangle is that when children are young, they are in the bottom of the triangle. They have less control and power. As they get older, they gain more power and control, moving up into the triangle. When my kids were young, they were only allowed to play in the front yard when my husband and I were outside with them. As they got older, they were allowed to play in the front yard with each other. Then they were allowed to walk to the park up the road to play or ride their bikes to their friends' houses. The key to this gradual shift of control over where they went was teaching them safety skills like how to cross the street, bike safety and personal safety skills. Eventually we reached the point where my daughters received their drivers' licenses and because we had gradually shifted control to them, I was confident they would follow our guidelines about where and when they could drive. 

• Be your child's safe place to fall. Remember giving your child roots includes making sure they know that no matter what you love them. This means being sensitive and responsive to your child's feelings. Be with your child when they are feeling big emotions. Show your child empathy and stay calm. Name their emotions and give them support as they work through their emotions. Remember that young children need help to regulate their emotions. This help can look different for each child. My middle daughter needed me to give her space and time to feel those emotions. I would make sure she was in a safe spot, stay nearby and let her know when she was ready to talk, I would listen. My other kids need a hug and for me to name their emotions. 
• Be brave as you watch them spread their wings. The letting go process is gradual and is really a series of first times your child is away from you.
• First time with a babysitter
• First day of daycare
• First day of ECFE, preschool or kindergarten
• First solo playdate at a friend's house
• And the list goes on and on....

I have learned many things as I have navigated these firsts with my children. Most importantly, I have learned it is okay to let my child know I will miss them while they are away from me but to be excited about the experience they will have. This sets the tone for your child's experience.  Remember every child will experience these separations in different ways depending on their temperament. Some kids will be like my oldest, ready to go and jump right in. Others may be more like my middle daughter and son, slow to warm up and need a little more support through the separation. 

• Help your child to find their passion. Whether this is sports or art or music or simply playing outside, find what your child loves and help them do this. In about 2 months my middle daughter will start her senior season of hockey. She started playing hockey when she was 7 and has loved it ever since. She has gained friendships, learned how to be coachable and to work as a team, to overcome disappointment and frustration and so much more. I don't regret for a moment allowing her to pursue this passion and I also know I will miss watching her play tremendously. I also know that she will carry the lessons she learned through hockey with her throughout her life. 

So as I sit on the cusp of watching my daughter spread her wings and fly, I hope her dad and I have given her "wings to fly, strong roots to come back, and a reason to stay." I think we have. She is knows who she is, wants to make the world a better place, stands up for what she believes is right and everyday makes me proud to be her mom!