Are You Helping Your Child Too Much?

"Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed."-Maria Montessori

How often do you find yourself wondering if you're doing too much for your child?  Do you sometimes become frustrated that your little one isn't pitching in enough at home?  Do you feel as though your child may be capable of more than they let on?  If so, you're probably right!  Our intentions as parents are almost always pure and come from a place of love for our children.  We love them and want to help them.  Then suddenly, while picking up the toy room for the thousandth time, we feel bitter. 

The good news is that young children LOVE to feel capable and successful.  They feel good when they accomplish a difficult task and for the most part, they like to help.  At any moment, parents can decide to develop their child's "helper" mentality and this is good for the entire family!  It's been said that the child is a member of the family, not the center of the family.  When families decide to work together and each member has responsibilities, many hands can make light work. 

So now you're scratching your head, wondering what tasks are age appropriate for your little one.  You're in luck!  This blog should give you some ideas and resources for where to start:

Infants:  We all know that babies need a lot of assistance.  Their self-help skills are limited and it's unrealistic that we expect them to start carrying their weight around the house!  That being said, there are some self-help skills that you can encourage your baby to develop as they grow.  For instance, as baby grows, they can begin to participate and take charge of mealtime by feeding themselves, holding a cup or bottle, and sitting up and entertaining themselves through play.  As your child gains these skills, you may begin to see their role as an individual.  As hard as it can be to watch them become increasingly independent of you, you also get an up-close view of their successes.  The more they accomplish, the more capable they feel.  And that's pretty awesome for a parent to see! You can learn more about this here.

Toddlers:  These little bundles of love are usually much more capable than they get credit for!  By the time a child is two or three, they can start to help clean up toys, wash their own hands with some assistance, put clothes in the hamper, and start to learn to use the potty.  Every task may take 10 times as long as you'd like, but the joy you see on your child's face when you're able to praise them for a job well-done is priceless.  It's a good idea to build some extra time into your schedule whenever possible to accommodate your child's desire to "do it myself".

Preschoolers:  The great thing about preschoolers is that communication comes much more easily for them.  They are able to follow two to three step directions, fold easy laundry like socks and washcloths, pick up toys, and dress themselves.  They may love to brush their own teeth, but it's still a good idea for a parent to assist.  They may respond well to setting a timer and getting as many tasks done as they can in five minutes.  They will also love to help bag groceries at the grocery store.  The key to remember is that they may not accomplish the task in the same way that you would, but with gentle guidance, they will learn the tricks of the trade quickly!

If adults can surrender the desire for perfection, children can be cheerful helpers!  Growing a capable mind in your child is a gift to them and to you. 

More resources:

http://www.easternflorida.edu/community-resources/child-development-centers/parent-resource-library/documents/self-help-skills-chores.pdf

http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/documents/teaching_routines.pdf

https://www.verywell.com/preschooler-self-care-skills-2764714

Supporting the "Picky Eater"

One of the things that is overheard most at ECFE is "WHY WON'T MY CHILD EAT?!!!!!"  Aside from not sleeping at night, this may be one of the most frustrating issues for parents of young children.  If you've ever cooked for a toddler that turns his or her nose up at the meal you've put in front of them, you know this frustration all too well.  This may be the eighth wonder of the world...watching a baby that eats everything transform into the toddler that will only eat three things.  #1:  pizza.  #2:  mini corndogs.  #3:  chicken nuggets.  The trifecta of childhood nutrition!

What is a caregiver to do when this magical transformation takes place?  Aside from rocking in the fetal position in the corner during lunch, there are some considerations that can shed light on the issue of childhood nutrition.  While the frustration is real and concerns can arise about how your child will continue to grow on so few calories a day, there are some practical tips that may improve mealtime with your child.

First of all, it may or may not be comforting to know that this is highly typical.  As soon as your child is developmentally ready to exercise their free will, they will!  With growing independence, your child begins to understand that they can actually say "no" to things!  This independence feels good to them and while it may not change what they eat, just knowing this about their development can bring perspective to parents and caregivers.  If we enter into mealtime with the knowledge that they will take every opportunity to exercise this freedom, the strategies we try can work WITH them and not against them. 

Secondly, children tend to require much less food than we think they need.  It's been said that their stomachs are the size of their fists.  Stop reading and look at your child's fist right now.  If they're five or under, their fist is little.  Little enough that a whole hamburger is unlikely to fit inside of it.  Again, this is perspective for parents when they wonder if they're offering enough food to their child.

Finally, nutritionists often recommend looking at the child's diet differently than an adults.  When tracking what your child eats, it can be helpful to look at several days in a row.  It's likely that the child who eats very little one day will make up for it a day or two later.  Children tend to be more skilled at listening to their body's cues of hunger and fullness and definitely won't starve themselves.

Knowing all of these things, there are still tips that you can try to make mealtime enjoyable again!  Here are some ideas:

• Hungry children tend to be more willing to try new things and eat what you've prepared for them.  When offering something new, consider giving it to your child at the beginning of the meal when they're at their hungriest.
• If your child is over 12 months, you may want to offer food before liquids.  Little tummies can fill up on milk or breast milk and this will decrease hunger.  Simply moving the liquid portion of the meal to the end may help build the child's desire to eat food.
• Snacks can be a great supplement to your child's diet, but make sure that snacks are small and not too close to mealtime.  Keeping snacks healthy and low in sugar is important.
• Offer choices!  Remember how we talked about your child's growing independence?  Giving them a choice can nearly eliminate the struggle over food for that reason.  Rather than asking IF they want green beans, think about saying something like "would you like green beans or cooked carrots?"  In that situation, you're both happy!  Your child gets to choose and you're fulfilling their need for veggies.  That's a win-win.
• When at all possible, eat with your child and prepare the same food for them that you enjoy.  This will prevent you from becoming a short order cook and your child will feel proud that you're enjoying the same meal together.  Positive peer pressure can work in your favor, and the interaction time will be fun for both of you.
• If your child refuses to eat, try not to engage in the battle.  Cover the food, put it in the refrigerator, and offer it again later.  Work with their hunger cues and give them the same plate of food when they become ready to eat.
• Keep portion sizes reasonable for your little one and offer a large variety of foods.  It can take 20 (or more) different exposures before your child will readily eat something new.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Keep trying! 
• Speak with your pediatrician about strategies that can assist your unique child.  Your doctor will be able to look at your child's growth curve to see if there are any areas of concern and direct you accordingly.  If nothing else, reassurance that you're on the right path may set your mind at ease.

Family mealtime can be one of the best times to connect with your child.  It brings opportunities for language, modeling healthy eating, and togetherness.  Give some of these tips a try and let us know how it goes!

For more information and helpful strategies for infants through adolescents, take a look at Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility. 

Bon Appétit!