The Power of Choices

It's time to clean up the toys and your child is refusing to help. Your toddler has gotten ahold of a permanent marker. Your preschooler is arguing about going to bed. You are in a hurry to get out the door and your child is refusing to put on their coat. It's snack time and your child doesn't want what you put out for them. Your child is frustrated and throws their toy across the room. I am sure parents everywhere have experienced these types of situations or similar situations. I know I have. I also know that there have been time when I have handled these types of experiences in a way that taught my children important skills and tools. There have also been times when I have tried to force my children to do what I wanted in the that moment, usually leading to more frustration and anger on everyone's part. Guess which was more successful!

Over the next several blog posts, I plan to focus on specific discipline strategies parents can use to help minimize power struggles, frustration, anger and so much more. This week's focus is on how parents can use choices as a discipline tool to teach your child decision making, help build impulse control and limit power struggles.

What does it mean to offer your child choices? It might seem like a rather simple idea but often as parents we go about offering choices in ways that are ineffective or even manipulate our child into doing what we want in the moment. We say things like:

• You need to let that child use the slide or we are going home. 
• Pick up your toys or I am going to give them away. 
• Put on your pajamas or we won't read a book. 

In these examples, we aren't offering true choices. We are offering false choices. We are manipulating our child into doing what we want them to do because one of the choices is actually a punishment. And in the case of the second example, one of the offered choices is something that most parents wouldn't follow through on. Anytime you offer choices, and you can replace one of the choices with the phrase, "or else," you know you are offering false choices. So how do we go about offering true choices to our children?

• Offer two positive choices. Choose two options that give you the outcome you desire but do so without the threat of punishment. For example, "It's bedtime. Do you want a piggyback ride to your bedroom or do you want to hop like a bunny to your room? Which is better for you?" Either of these choices gives me the desired outcome, my child going to their room to get ready for bed. Once we have started getting ready for bed, I can continue to offer choices. "Do you want to wear these pajamas or these pajamas? Do you want to put on your pajama pants first or your shirt first? Do you want to brush your teeth by yourself first or do you want me to brush your teeth first?"
• Consider your child's age and level of development when offering choices. Starting at the age of 15 months children are able to choose between two positive choices. Around the age of four we can start to involve children in deciding what the choice might be. At this age we can start to ask, "What are your choices?" and give the child the opportunity to offer possible choices they could make. For example, your five-year-old has been building with Legos at the table. It is time to set the table for dinner. She doesn't want to take apart her project and put the Legos away. You could ask, "What are you choices?" She might suggest putting the project on the counter or in her bedroom to work on later. 
• It is important to remember that your child has to be in a place where they can make a choice. If they are in the midst of a full-blown tantrum, they are not able to make a choice. We have to help them calm down first so that they are ready to think and learn. 
• Sometimes your child might need help making a choice. If you have offered two positive choices and your child is refusing to choose, you can help them choose. I used to offer my kids two positive choices and repeat those choices 3 times. Then I would say, "You choose, or Mommy will help you choose." At this point if they didn't make a choice, I would choose one of the options for them and we would follow through on that choice. 

When we offer children two positive choices, we empower children. We make them responsible for doing something instead of us being responsible for making them do something. We give them the opportunity to practice decision making skills. This helps them learn how to make choices throughout their life instead of reacting impulsively to what is happening around them. It is important to give young children lots of practice making choices when they are young, so that when they are older and faced with more difficult decisions, they have the ability to think through their choices and choose the best option. 

Parents Need Friends Too!

One of the loneliest times in my life was after I had my first baby. It was an amazing time in my life. I had a precious baby girl who I loved more than life itself. I was so excited to be a mom and loved every moment with my little girl. And yet I was lonely. I needed people who understood what it meant to be so exhausted you couldn't sleep. People who could understand my worries and help me navigate my new role as a mother. 

Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing group of friends. Ladies, who to this day, are my besties, my ride or die, my people I could depend on for almost anything and everything. We got through college together, navigated heart break, graduated and found jobs and so much more. These ladies are my lifelong friends and they loved on me and my baby when I became a momma! At the same time, I learned that I was in a very different place or season in my life than them. I was the only friend in our group who was married let alone having babies. I needed friends for this new season of my life. 

I found these friends by joining a neighborhood moms' club. It was here that I met other moms. Moms, I could rely on not to judge me, but offer me support, whether it was giving advice or just listening when I needed to vent. It was also within this group that my children's first friendships developed with my new mom friends' children. 

The other place where I found support and friendship was in ECFE classes. Here I met parents who were experiencing all kinds of circumstances, working moms, moms preparing to reenter the workforce, moms and dads choosing to stay home with their children, grandparents helping to raise their grandchildren, and more. The parents and teachers I met in ECFE helped to normalize so many of the things I was experiencing as a mother. I learned I wasn't the only one who had a baby who didn't sleep! I learned what was typical development for my children at different ages and stages. I learned about the power of offering choices to kids and so much more. I found a supportive community that helped me navigate the season of new motherhood. 

As my kids have grown, my friendships have changed. My group of best friends have gotten married and started having babies of their own. I have been able to offer support to them as they navigate motherhood. And even though my kids are older than their kids, I have also learned and grown as a parent from their experience as mothers. 

I have also gained friends through my children's interests and friends. When you spend hours sitting at an ice rink or baseball diamond or soccer field together, you can't help but build a shared bond. These parents are the parents I know I can call when I need help getting my kid to practice or the game. The parents I can turn to with questions about navigating life as a parent of adolescents. 

Research shows that having solid friendships is good for both your physical well-being and your mental health. Friendship can reduce feelings of isolation, increase happiness, improve self-confidence and can help you cope during major life changes. The transition to parenthood is no exception.