If 2020 was a....

Or maybe 2020 has felt a little more like this for you. 

Or perhaps this is more what you think of when you hear if 2020 was a....

In all seriousness, I do not want to make light of everything that families have gone through and continue to go through. The past year has been a struggle, whether it has been adjusting to working from home or the loss of a job or having to help kids with distance learning. Families have faced a lot of adversity. In the midst of all of this though, I think keeping our sense of humor is one thing that can help us get through all that we have been facing. I am here to argue that what 2020 really is, is the year of resiliency. 

Resiliency is our ability to recover from stress, adversity, challenges, failure and trauma. Even children have the ability to overcome these negative things if we help them develop it. Kids who are resilient are better able to manage stress. They trust in their abilities and instincts. They are more aware of their limits and are willing to try things outside of their comfort zone. Resilient kids are more likely to achieve long-term goals and be independent problem solvers. 

So how can you support the development of resiliency in your child?

Nurture a caring, supportive relationship with your child. The most important thing that kids need in order to develop resiliency is a relationship with one caring, supportive adult. For a lot of kids this relationship is with their parent(s) but for some they might receive this care and support from a grandparent, aunt/uncle or even a teacher or childcare provider. Whoever it is, this caring and supportive adult acts as a buffer when things are stressful. The adult is there to provide support, help kids understand what they are feeling and experiencing and guide them to problem-solve and work through adversity. 

Allow your child to experience adversity. This is one of the hardest things for the caring and supportive adult to do is to allow the child to experience the adversity. We are often too quick to step in and prevent it from happening or trying to rescue the child from their emotions. I discussed this more in depth in the previous blog about building emotional agility in our children. This agility, the ability to manage and navigate our emotions, even the hard emotions, is vital to developing resiliency. We have to let our children experience frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger while supporting them through those emotions. This can be as simple as being with them, identifying their emotions, and helping them find ways to regulate themselves. 

Embrace the idea of safe as possible. We have to allow our child to experience a reasonable amount of danger. This means taking a step back while watching your child navigates a playground, climbs a tree or try something new for the first time. 

Encourage problem-solving skills in your child. The first step is to help them recognize they have a problem because they can quickly become overwhelmed by it. The next step is to help them think of solutions. Young children may not be able to think of solutions on their own. A great way to build this ability is to offer two possible choices to a problem. For example, if a child is struggling to put their coat on, we might say "Would you like to try the flip trick (Lay the coat on the ground with the collar by their feet. Have them put their arms in the sleeves and flip the coat over their head) or would you like me to help you?" Either of these options would help them solve their problem. We can also help kids brainstorm solutions by asking open ended questions. What could you use to help you....? How could you make your tower more stable? What would happen if you...?

Recognize and embrace mistakes. Mistakes and failure are learning opportunities. One way to do this is to focus on the effort versus the end result. Kids who are encouraged based on their effort are more likely to try harder things than kids who are praised for being smart or their final product. 

Look for the silver lining and be optimistic. Some people are naturally more optimistic but even if you or your child aren't you can practice this. Help your child reframe their negative thoughts by pointing out possible positive outcomes. 

Model being resilient. Remember that kids are always watching us. If we want our kids to be resilient then one of the best ways for them to learn is to see us being resilient. A great way to model this is sharing our self-talk with our kids. "I am so frustrated that we are going to be late. I am going to take some deep breaths to calm myself down." or "We got to see that beautiful sunset since we left the house a little later than expected." or "I need to be on a work call at the same time you need to leave for practice. What could we do to fix this?"

And finally, an important part of resiliency can be asking for help when it is need. Our early learning program is a great resource for parents and families. We offer 1-on-1 parent consultations to answer parenting questions and to offer support. You can request yours here. We also still have space available in some of our classes for parents with children age birth of 5. Find out more by visiting our registration website or calling our ECFE office at 651-425-2701 and our Office Coordinator can help you find the class that is right for you.

 

 

Building Your Child's Emotional Agility

My kids have played and been involved in sports for many years. One thing I've noticed from watching them play, whether it is hockey, baseball, lacrosse, tennis or soccer, is that agility is an important part of the game and is vital to keeping their body's healthy. Agility is our bodies ability to move quickly, switch directions or the positioning of our body when our body is already in motion. This is so important in preventing injuries that agility training is a regular part of practices. You might be wondering what agility has to do with emotions. In much the same way that physical agility helps us navigate and move our bodies, emotional agility helps us recognize and manage our emotions and is linked to emotional intelligence. 

It can be hard for parents to see your child upset, sad, frustrated, etc. We often try to rescue our kids from these emotions by minimizing what they are feeling or distracting them instead of allowing them to work through these hard emotions. 

The ability to navigate through our emotions is skill that is vital to lifelong success. Young children who are taught to manage their emotions "become better problem solvers when faced with an emotional situation." (New York Times, 2016) The benefits of emotional agility reach far beyond the preschool years. Emotional intelligence in teenagers is linked "with an increased ability to cope with stressful situations and greater self-esteem." (New York Times, 2016)

Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, recommends parents help their child navigate through hard emotions by feeling it, showing it, labeling it and watching it go. 

• Feel it means allowing your child to experience all emotions even the hard ones. As I mentioned earlier, parents often try to circumvent children's emotions. Sometimes we do this simply because we don't want our child to feel sad or frustrated. Other times we do this because the emotion our child is experiencing is difficult for us. It triggers a negative response in ourselves. Circle of Security calls this our Shark Music. Our reaction to certain emotions is created by our experiences around these emotions in our own childhoods. In some families, showing certain emotions like anger or sadness might have been discouraged which means that these emotions are harder for you to handle in your child now, so you might try to stop them from feeling it. To learn more check out this great video. When we allow our child to feel it, we validate their experience and teach them that all emotions are ok, even the hard ones. 
• Show it means allowing your child to display all of their emotions. If you are feeling sad it is okay to cry. If you are feeling frustrated it is okay to stomp your foot. This doesn't mean that you allow your child to display their emotion in ways that hurt others or damage things. We can teach our kids appropriate ways to show their emotions. What we shouldn't do is tell them that certain emotions are not okay to show. 
• Label it simply means naming emotions. Young children can often identify happy, sad, mad and scared. However if I asked you to list as many emotions as you can think of you would probably have a pretty long list of words. We have to build our children's emotional vocabulary by labeling emotions. It is just as important to label positive emotions, like happy, excited, joyful, proud, as it is to label negative emotions, such as frustration, sadness, anger, disappointment and jealousy. Labeling it is as simple as saying, "I can see you are really excited. You are jumping up and down." or "I can see you are feeling frustrated." We can also help kids learn to recognize emotions by asking them how other's might be feeling. Recognizing emotions is an important part of building empathy. Ask your child how the characters in books or tv shows are feeling. Talk about what they see that tells them the character is feeling that emotion. 
• Watch it go teaches children that feelings change. Just because you are frustrated doesn't mean you will be frustrated forever. We can help kids understand that feelings pass by talking through our own emotions and what we do to help us manage them. "I am so frustrated I can't find my keys. I am going to take some deep breaths so I can calm down." Watch it go is also helps kids learn that they aren't going to feel the same emotion in similar experiences. When we taught our daughters to ride their bikes without training wheels, they were very scared and nervous. Each time we went out to practice it got a little easier until they no longer felt scared or nervous. Help your child plan what they can do when they feel a certain emotion. This can help them manage this emotion in the future. 

Building emotional agility in our children helps them become more resilient, empathetic and builds their self-esteem. Practice these four practical steps with your child and both of you will be well on your way to being emotionally agile.