And vs. But

And & But...Two tiny yet powerful words. One is used to create connection while the other can discount another person's experience or feelings.

As parents, you have probably heard that we should label our children's emotions. Labeling our children's emotions teaches them how to identify their emotions and emotions in others. It is also a great way to show empathy to our children. Here is where the word but comes into play. As parents we often say things like, "You are sad but we need to leave the park" or "I'm sorry you are frustrated but you can't throw toys" or "I'm sorry I yelled at you but you didn't listen." What does the word but do in each of these examples? How do you feel when people say things like this to you? The word but essential discounts the first part of the message. It says that how the other person feels isn't important. If part of our goal in labeling our children's emotions is to show empathy, using the word but defeats this purpose.

So that brings us to the word and. How is the using the word and different from saying but? Using the word and allows us to be kind and firm. We can show empathy and set a limit while creating a connection with our child. In the book, Positive Discipline: The first three years, the authors discuss different ways you can use kind and firm statements.

• Validate feelings: "I know it is hard to turn off the tv and it is time to go outside."
• Show understanding: "You want to keep playing instead of going to bed, and it is bedtime."
• Redirect behavior: "You don't want to put your coat on, and I don't want you to get cold. Let's race to see who can put their coat on fastest"
• Provide a choice: You don't want to go to bed, and it is bedtime. Should I pick the book or do you want to pick?"
• Offer a choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do: "You want to run around the store, and that is not safe. You can stay by me or go in the stroller until you are ready to walk."

Now I am not suggesting that using the word and vs but is going to be a magic wand. It doesn't mean that your child won't get upset and fight against the limit that you set. However, using the word and allows us to show empathy and set limits for our children without discounting their feelings or experiences. It helps us stay in the authoritative style of parenting. This style is often referred to as the Kind and Firm parenting style. This style of parenting is considered to be the most effective style. We want to spend as much time practicing kind and firm parenting as possible. 

Teaching Impulse Control

What is impulse control?

Impulse control is the mental brakes for our behavior. It is the ability to stop ourselves from doing something that we shouldn't. Impulse control is what stops us from eating an entire batch of cookies!

Most parents can probably think of an example of when they watched their child do something impulsive. Maybe it is when they react by hitting their sibling for grabbing a toy or having a tantrum or dumping out a bucket of toys even though you have told them not over and over again. Impulse control is developmental. Just like walking, talking and potty training, children must be physically ready to develop this skill. Unfortunately, we often expect children to have impulse control before they are ready. In their Tuning In Survey, Zero to Three found that 56% of parents believe children have the impulse control to resist the desire to do something forbidden before the age of three. Of these parents, 36% believe that children have this ability before the age of two. Brain research tells us that children start developing these skills around 3 1/2 to 4 years of age. It also takes many years of practice for them to use them consistently. 

Why is impulse control important?

Children who lack impulse control can be hard to handle. They often react instead of thinking through their actions. They may have frequent meltdowns and have trouble taking turns. Once these kids start school, they are often the one who blurts out answers, have trouble focusing and staying on task. They are also more likely to be physically aggressive and struggle with social interactions. These kids can have trouble consistently following rules, lack understanding of how their actions have consequences and impact others. So, needless to say, helping children develop impulse control is very important!

How to teach impulse control?

Remember that impulse control is developmental. Kids who are working on learning impulse control aren't going to be perfect at using these skills. Some children will seem to develop impulse control easily, while other kids will need a lot of opportunities to practice impulse control. 

Here are a few fun ways to practice impulse control with your child. 

• Red Light, Green Light-I used this simple game as a way to allow my kids the freedom to move away from me in stores, the neighborhood, or park while keeping them within sight. My kids would wander ahead of me in the store and when I said "Red Light" they would stop and wait for me to catch up and say "Green Light." This game required them to listen, choose to follow directions, control their bodies and do something they probably didn't want to do (stop moving) for a short amount of time. 
• Music and Dancing-A song like The Freeze Song by Greg and Steve is a great example of this but you can use any song. Play the song and dance around with your child. If you are using The Freeze Song, stop moving when the music stops. If you are using a different song, periodically stop the song and freeze. 
• Follow the Leader-You and your child can take turns being the leader. The leader chooses a movement and everyone else follows. Playing this game requires kids to wait their turn to be the leader and follow "directions."
• Simon Says-This is another easy activity that requires kids to listen, move their bodies in a specific, controlled manner and restrain themselves from doing something that Simon doesn't say. To play, one person is Simon. They say things like jump up and down or touch your nose. The other players only do the action if Simon says "Simon says jump up and down." If a player does the action when Simon doesn't say "Simon says" they are out. 
• Freeze Tag-Kids have to freeze or stop moving and then wait for a friend to unfreeze them once they are tagged. 
• Board games-Even easy board games that are designed for younger kids are a good way to practice impulse control. Kids have to wait for their turn, follow directions and regulate their reaction to winning or losing.