If you are anything like me, there are moments throughout your day where you feel frazzled and stressed. Grocery shopping, planning, and making meals, getting kids to and from practice, helping with homework and planning and preparing my work all tend to be things that for me can add to my daily stress. Sometimes all these things feel like they are happen at the same time, and while I might want to simply drop everything and dissolve into tears, I don't usually do that. I can utilize coping skills and tools to help me stay calm and navigate these tough moments. Sometimes it is taking a few deep breaths. I also use tools like online grocery shopping and curbside pick-up to make these chores less time consuming. Sometimes I phone a friend to talk it all out.
Babies and young children have not yet developed these coping skills. This means that when they experience moments of stress, they are far more likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears or have a tantrum. They are overwhelmed by what is happening and crying out for help. It is in these moments that our child relies on us to be a soothing and calming presence. Zero to Three refers to this as "sharing your calm." Here are a few easy steps to follow to help you practice co-regulation with your child.
Label your child's emotions. It is important to remember that what we might view as silly or frivolous can feel like a very big deal to our child. Do not dismiss your child's feeling. Label it. "You are so sad that your balloon popped."
Build a connection with your child. For some children, that might be offering a hug. Other children might need you to get them their favorite stuffed animal or blanket. And other children might just need to know that you are nearby and ready to help once they are ready. You know your child best. Think about how they like to connect with you and use something similar when they are feeling these big emotions.
Take slow deep breaths with your child. Children aged 2 and up are usually able to start taking deep breaths as a calming technique. Be sure to practice taking deep breaths when your child is already calm. Incorporate deep breathing into your daily routine. An easy way to teach deep breathing is to use Smell the Flower, Blow out the Candle. Hold up 5 fingers. Tell your child to smell the flower. Then blow out the candle slowly. Put down one finger. Repeat until all 5 fingers are down. You can also use deep breathing with younger children as well. Take deep breaths while holding your child. In the same way that babies and young children can sense when you are feeling stressed, they can also sense your calm.
Use a calm, soothing voice as another way to "share your calm." Sing your child's favorite song while snuggling them. Give your child a back rub. Put your child in a safe place and stay close by while giving them time to work through their emotion.
Let's be real. It is not always easy to use co-regulation. I know when my children were little it was hard to hear them cry or watch them have a tantrum. Sometimes I would feel stressed, anxious, mad, or overwhelmed. This would sometimes lead to me reacting by yelling, instead of responding calmly. Trust me when I tell you that when I reacted instead of responding calmly it was never helpful. In fact, it always made it worse for both me and my child.
There are some steps parents should take before they try co-regulation with their child. Check how you are feeling. Are you feeling stressed, angry, or overwhelmed? Don't forget to check your physical state as well. Are you hungry, tired, or sick? Once you have checked yourself, do something to take care of yourself. Take a couple deep breaths to calm yourself. Release some tension by doing a few jumping jacks or shaking your arms around. Once you have taken care of yourself, you are ready to help your child.
The next time your child is experiencing big emotions, try one of these suggestions to help "share your calm." Remember, these are just a few of the ways that we can help co-regulate our children. We would love to hear from you. What are some other ways you have found to "share your calm" with your child?
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