Gratitude, It Might Just be a Superpower!

Gratitude is more than just saying, "Thank you." In fact, it may just be a superpower. One that can make you and your children happier. The Journal of Happiness Studies found that by the age of 5 there is a connection between happiness and gratitude. In other words, teach your children gratitude and they may be happier people now and in the future. Another study published in the Journal of School Psychology found that "grateful children (ages 11 to 13) tend to be happier, more optimistic and have better social support. They also report more satisfaction with their school, families, communities, friends and themselves." 

And if this isn't enough to convince you that gratitude might be a superpower, studies in adults have shown benefits like, better mental and physical health, better sleep, higher levels of happiness and hopefulness and even longer lifespans. Research has also shown gratitude for past experiences can increase current levels of happiness and provide a more hopeful outlook on the future. Gratitude is a superpower that can have a tremendous impact on our lives and the lives of our kids. So, let's start teaching our kids how to be grateful from a young age. Here are some strategies to get you started. 

Teach your child to say, "Thank you." I know, I know. I just told you there is so much more to gratitude than saying thank you, but this a good place to start. The best way for kids to learn to say thank you is to hear us saying it too. Model saying thank you frequently. Thank the clerk at the store, the waiter at the restaurant, and thank your child too. You can also encourage your child to say thank you with gentle reminders. "What do you say to grandma for your new shirt" or "Your friend gave you a turn with the toy. Make sure you say thank you." When you hear your child say thank you be sure to provide positive feedback. "I really liked how you said thank you to your friend for having you over to play." 

Use gratitude questions to help your child think about what it means to be thankful. This is how we move beyond just saying, "thank you." We know that children and adults can fall into the trap of saying thank you because it is what is expected, not necessarily what they feel. Asking gratitude questions helps us truly understand what it means to be grateful. According to Very Well Mind, the Raising Grateful Children Project at UNC Chapel Hill has shown there are 4 parts to gratitude:

1. Noticing-identify the things you are grateful for
2. Thinking-giving thought to how you got those things
3. Feeling-recognizing the way you feel because of the things you have received
4. Doing-how do you show that you are grateful

As parents we tend to focus on how children show gratitude. According to Very Well Mind, "While 85% of parents said they prompted their kids to say, "thank you," only 39% encouraged children to show gratitude in ways that went beyond good manners. In addition, only a third of parents asked their child how a gift made them feel, and only 22% asked why they thought someone had given them a gift." We can ask the following questions from the UNC Researchers to help move our kids beyond just saying, "thank you," to being truly grateful. 

1. Notice-What do you have in your life to be grateful for? What can you be grateful for beyond just things you have? Who are the people in your life that you are grateful for?
2. Think-What do you like about this present? Why do you think the person gave you this gift? Should you give the person who gave you this gift something? 
3. Feel-How do you feel about this gift? Why do you feel this way?
4. Do-How can you show how you feel about this gift? What could you do to help someone else feel the same way? 

Do acts of kindness with your children. These can be small acts like holding the door open for people behind you to big acts like shoveling your neighbor's driveway in the winter. Be sure to talk about why we do nice things for other people. 

Model gratitude for your children. We know that kids learn a lot by watching us. They do what we do. If your children see you saying, "thank you," talking about being grateful, writing thank you notes and doing acts of kindness, they will be more like to do those things on their own. 

Use tools to help your family focus on gratitude. Work as a family to play games and create projects that help you talk about and show gratitude. One possible idea to implement a 30 Days of Gratitude calendar. 

For more gratitude activities and projects check our South Washington County Schools Early Learning Facebook page.

Make gratitude part of your daily routine. Set a specific time and choose a specific activity to help your family talk about and show gratitude on a daily basis. Some families like to have each family member share something they are grateful for during a family mealtime. Other families might incorporate an activity like this into bedtime. Having a gratitude routine helps make practicing gratitude a habit.

See the silver lining. Disappointing things happen to all of us. Look for things to be grateful for despite whatever difficulty is happening and point this out to your child. Your child can't play outside because of the weather. Tell them how you are happy you get to play board games with them instead. Ask your child to think of something good that could come for a difficult situation. 

Making gratitude a priority in your home will lead to many positive benefits, including higher levels of happiness, for you and your kids. What will you do today to start building gratitude in your home? 

Together is Better!

If you are anything like me, there are moments throughout your day where you feel frazzled and stressed. Grocery shopping, planning, and making meals, getting kids to and from practice, helping with homework and planning and preparing my work all tend to be things that for me can add to my daily stress. Sometimes all these things feel like they are happen at the same time, and while I might want to simply drop everything and dissolve into tears, I don't usually do that. I can utilize coping skills and tools to help me stay calm and navigate these tough moments. Sometimes it is taking a few deep breaths. I also use tools like online grocery shopping and curbside pick-up to make these chores less time consuming. Sometimes I phone a friend to talk it all out. 

Babies and young children have not yet developed these coping skills. This means that when they experience moments of stress, they are far more likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears or have a tantrum. They are overwhelmed by what is happening and crying out for help. It is in these moments that our child relies on us to be a soothing and calming presence. Zero to Three refers to this as "sharing your calm." Here are a few easy steps to follow to help you practice co-regulation with your child. 

Label your child's emotions. It is important to remember that what we might view as silly or frivolous can feel like a very big deal to our child. Do not dismiss your child's feeling. Label it. "You are so sad that your balloon popped." 

Build a connection with your child. For some children, that might be offering a hug. Other children might need you to get them their favorite stuffed animal or blanket. And other children might just need to know that you are nearby and ready to help once they are ready. You know your child best. Think about how they like to connect with you and use something similar when they are feeling these big emotions. 

Take slow deep breaths with your child. Children aged 2 and up are usually able to start taking deep breaths as a calming technique. Be sure to practice taking deep breaths when your child is already calm. Incorporate deep breathing into your daily routine. An easy way to teach deep breathing is to use Smell the Flower, Blow out the Candle. Hold up 5 fingers. Tell your child to smell the flower. Then blow out the candle slowly. Put down one finger. Repeat until all 5 fingers are down. You can also use deep breathing with younger children as well. Take deep breaths while holding your child. In the same way that babies and young children can sense when you are feeling stressed, they can also sense your calm. 

Use a calm, soothing voice as another way to "share your calm." Sing your child's favorite song while snuggling them. Give your child a back rub. Put your child in a safe place and stay close by while giving them time to work through their emotion. 

Let's be real. It is not always easy to use co-regulation. I know when my children were little it was hard to hear them cry or watch them have a tantrum. Sometimes I would feel stressed, anxious, mad, or overwhelmed. This would sometimes lead to me reacting by yelling, instead of responding calmly. Trust me when I tell you that when I reacted instead of responding calmly it was never helpful. In fact, it always made it worse for both me and my child. 

There are some steps parents should take before they try co-regulation with their child. Check how you are feeling. Are you feeling stressed, angry, or overwhelmed? Don't forget to check your physical state as well. Are you hungry, tired, or sick? Once you have checked yourself, do something to take care of yourself. Take a couple deep breaths to calm yourself. Release some tension by doing a few jumping jacks or shaking your arms around. Once you have taken care of yourself, you are ready to help your child. 

The next time your child is experiencing big emotions, try one of these suggestions to help "share your calm." Remember, these are just a few of the ways that we can help co-regulate our children. We would love to hear from you. What are some other ways you have found to "share your calm" with your child?