It's Time to Teach!

This is the third blog in a series on discipline. In the first blog, Discipline is Teaching, I defined discipline as teaching and explored the difference between discipline and punishment. Connect Before You Correct, the second in the series, focused on ensuring that your child is ready to learn before you try to teach by making sure they feel safe and loved. Scroll down to read the first and second blog. 

Now we are ready to take a look at how parents can discipline or teach their children. There are a couple of things that can be stumbling blocks when parents try to use discipline as teaching. What do you need to teach? How should you go about teaching it? Answering these three questions can help parents ensure that they are teaching when they discipline their child. 

1. Why did my child act this way? It is important to ask this question from a place of curiosity. If you find yourself answering this question with responses like, "He is trying to push my buttons?" or "She is being naughty," you are reacting to your child's behavior from an emotional state and are not ready to teach. Let's take a look at how to answer this question from a point of curiosity. Your two-year-old takes toys from her playmate. It is important to remember that taking toys from other children, having trouble waiting your turn and not sharing are developmentally appropriate behaviors for young children. So why did your child act this way? She probably wanted a turn and wasn't able to wait for it. She also could have viewed the toy as her and want it back. 
2. What lesson or skills do I need to teach? Remember, discipline as teaching views misbehavior as missing skills. It can be easy to answer this question with what we don't want our child to do. Instead, be sure to answer this question with what you want your child to do instead. A young child who is taking toys is missing the skill of asking for a turn. Another missing skill is the ability to wait for a turn. 
3. How can I best teach this lesson or skill? The key to answering this question is to focus on what gives your child a chance to practice the missing skills. In the example of a two-year-old who is taking a toy from her playmate, a parent can respond with empathy and by modeling how to ask for a turn. "You want a turn with the truck. You can ask for a turn. Can I have a turn please?" Some kids might be ready to move on at this point. Other kids might have a hard time giving back the toy and waiting for their turn. Parents can show empathy and help them wait. "It is hard to wait. Do you want to play with the blocks or do a puzzle while you wait?"

The tricky part of discipline as teaching is knowing how to go about teaching. Let's take a look at a few techniques that can help parents teach missing skills to their child. 

• Natural consequences are, as the name implies, consequences that occur naturally. A child who is running, trips and falls. A child who doesn't eat their dinner is hungry at bedtime. A child who doesn't study gets a poor grade. In order for natural consequences to work, children need to feel connected to their parents and/or caregivers. This means that parents and/or caregivers must be supportive and empathetic while allowing their child to experience the feelings brought on by their actions. When my kids were young, my oldest daughter liked to be in charge of what and how she and her siblings played. Some may say she was a bit on the bossy side! This led to plenty of squabbles between my children. It also led to me intervening when I felt she was being bossy. It took a while, but I eventually realized I was making things worse by stepping in. I took a step back and allowed her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior, which was her siblings not wanting to play with her. It was tempting to give her a I told you so response. "No one likes to play with someone who is bossy." Instead, it was time to respond with empathy. "I know you are sad that they don't want to play with you. Maybe next time you can ask them what and how they want to play. Let's go read a book."
• Logical consequences are consequences related to the behavior of the child that are put into place by the parent. Logical consequences are meant to be used on children who have already learned the necessary skills but are not using them for some reason. Logical consequences should be related, respectful and reasonable. They should also be given with a heavy dose of empathy. Let's think about an older child who has had lots of chances to practice sharing and taking turns and is refusing to share their blocks. A logical consequence in this situation may sound like this, "You can share the blocks and keep building your tower or you can choose not to share and have to come play with something else over here so everyone can have fun." If your child starts to share, you can provide positive encouragement. "Thank you for sharing. I knew you could do it." If your child refuses to share it is time to enforce the consequence. "I can see you are choosing to be done playing with blocks. Come over here and find something else to play with." This is the time for empathy when your child may express negative feelings about the consequence. "I know it is hard to share when you are playing. Let's take some deep breaths. I will help you. You can do this."
• Using positive language is another way to help children learn missing skills. Parent soften tell their kids what not to do but young children can have a hard time thinking of a more appropriate behavior to replace the undesired one. Instead of don't run, tell your child to use their walking feet. Instead of don't stand on the chair, tell your child chairs are for sitting. 
• Honoring the impulse allows your child to do what they want but in a way that teaches them when, where or how to do it. For example, your child is jumping on the bed. Honoring the impulse could include saying, "It looks like you want to jump." Then give them an opportunity to jump in a safe way. This could be jumping on a trampoline or jumping on some cushions or blankets on the floor or turning on music and jumping around to it. 

Remember discipline means "to teach." When parents discipline to teach, they are establishing the boundaries that provide children security and safety, which are the foundation of social emotional and cognitive development. This is why it is vital that discipline be paired with empathy and connection so that children know they are safe and loved and are ready to direct their energy towards engaging and exploring the world around them.