Sometimes...I don't like my kids!

So, I am going to be really honest and just say it. There have been times in my life as a parent when I haven't liked my kids. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved my kids with the fiercest of love; but there have been moments in time, days, weeks, or entire stages when I haven't liked my kids. I think most if not all parents can probably relate to having negative feelings about their child. Which brings up the questions, if most parents have negative feelings about their child at some point, why isn't it something we talk about? We hear about all the wonderful positive feelings, like calmness, unconditional love, delight, joy, and acceptance but, we don't talk about the fact that there will be times when we have strong negative feelings about our children. This leaves parents feeling guilt and shame when they do dislike their child. I am here to tell you that it is okay. You don't always have to like your child all the time. 

That being said, if you are feeling like you don't like your child it is a good time to think about why you are feeling that way. 

Our kids are dependent upon us. Parents spend all day, day after day, year after year, taking care of their child. And even though they are dependent upon us, kids can be exacting, taxing and sometimes downright unpleasant to us. It is understandable for parents to harbor negative feelings for their child when they feel they are giving so much to their child. 

Kids are like a flashlight. What I mean by this is our kids' behaviors or actions can shine a light on things that make us feel uncomfortable or that we don't like about ourselves. As a child, I was responsible for helping with specific chores around the house. I remember feeling like my sisters and I had to do all the work. Of course, as an adult I can recognize that my mom was trying to teach us how to take care of things and needed our help to keep the house clean since she was busy working. With my own kids I opted to not assign them chores. Instead, they were expected to help when they were asked whether it was picking up toys or sorting laundry. I didn't want them to feel the same way I did when I was a child. This worked well with my oldest but my younger two kids would complain and often throw a fit about having to help. I would get very angry because in my mind they should be grateful that they weren't expected to do a bunch of chores. This led to me having negative feelings about my kids. Circle of Security Parenting refers to this as our Shark Music. Our experience as children shapes the way we experience feelings as an adult. Check out this great video to learn more about Shark Music.

A lot of the time when we think "I don't like my kid" what we really mean is I don't like their behavior. Take a look at what it is that causes you to think "I don't like my kid." What behaviors trigger this thought for you? Is your child being clingy or whiny? Maybe they are being more defiant than usual or requiring more of your help with activities they should be able to do on their own. Determining what behaviors are behind these negative feelings about your child can help you lessen them. Once you have identified the behavior you can try to correct that behavior. I spent a lot of time feeling like I didn't like my oldest daughter when she was 12. She took everything I said as criticism and would be very rude to me. One strategy I tried during this time was to offer a redo when she was being rude. I would ask her to rewind and start the conversation over. This helped her reset the way she was talking to me and gave me a chance not to react to her rudeness but instead try to respond to what she was saying in a thoughtful way. I have seen a similar tactic work with younger children as well. My friend frequently tells her kids, "What I think you mean to say was...." This approach draws her kids' attention to the way they are speaking to her so they can change it to a more appropriate manner. 

Sometimes it is us and not them. There are times when the chaos of everyday life make us feel overwhelmed, stressed, or not supported which makes us react to fairly normal actions by our children with negative feelings. Maybe you needed more help from your spouse to make bedtime go smoothly. Or perhaps, you resent feeling like you are constantly having to go from one place to another to get your kids to their activities. Determining what you need in order to feel supported and lessen your stress can help you lessen the negative feelings you have about your child. Maybe you need to cut back on the number of activities your family participates in or maybe you need to create a homework or bedtime routine that works better for you. 

You don't have to be the perfect parent. There are going to be times when you mess up as a parent and that's okay. Sometimes when we make mistakes as parent it can lead us to have negative feelings about our child, almost as if it is their fault we yelled or withdrew our attention from them or said something harsh. Recognize when you have made a mistake. Tell your child you are sorry. This is a valuable opportunity for your child to see that no one is perfect and how to fix things when you have done something wrong. It can also help make both you and your child feel better after a negative interaction. 

Remember your don't have to like your child all the time. However, if you are stuck in a rut where your are frequently having negative feelings about your child it might be time to reach out for some help. This could be as simple as talking about how you are feeling with a good friend. ECFE also offers free parent consultations with one of our parent educators. Sign up here for a consultation. 

 

Early Childhood Mental Health

Mental health has been at the forefront of many people's minds as we continue to live in the midst of a pandemic. When we talk about mental health it is important to remember that mental health is not just an adult issue. In fact, we are beginning to hear more and more about concerns around childhood mental health. To help us learn more about early childhood mental health we reached out to Katie Zacharias, MA, LMFT, IMH-E, Supervisor of Early Childhood Mental Health at Canvas Health. 

What does it mean when we talk about childhood mental health? Zero to Three defines early childhood mental health as "the developing capacity of the child, birth to 5 years of age, to form close and secure adult and peer relationships; experience, manage and express a full range of emotions; and explore the environment and learn-all in the context of family, community and culture."

How does early childhood mental health differ from adult mental health? When we think about mental health we often think of things like depression, schizophrenia, or anxiety. It can be tempting to look for things in children that mirror these types of mental health issues in children. However, according to Harvard University's Center on the Developing Child, childhood mental health issues are more commonly seen as behavior problems or a child who has difficulty regulating their emotions. It is important to note that these can be sign of mental health issues but can also just be difference in normal development. According to Zacharias, childhood mental health must be viewed through the lens of relationships and how the child uses relationships to regulate their emotions and explore and learn. 

What does good childhood mental health look like? A mentally healthy child is a child who is curious and exploring their world. Zacharias also states, "“Good” mental health, though different for each child, starts with the safe and secure attachment to a caregiver(s). It is in this secure relationship; a child develops the skills for regulation which are the building blocks for good mental health." Children with "good" mental health are able to express and receive love and affection. They are also able to experience big emotions like anger and frustration and be able to calm with some help from adults in their lives.  

What are signs that there might be a concern about a child's mental health? Zacharias states, "again, I am looking at how this child is able to use adult caregivers for support in their regulation of emotions, behaviors, and attention. There is a broad spectrum of what may be considered developmentally appropriate. Mental health services may be helpful whenever we see a child’s skills for regulation fall outside of the developmental norm. Educators and childcare providers are excellent resources for parents in helping them understand when a child’s behaviors may be falling outside of the developmental norm."

What are the biggest risk factors to early childhood mental health? Mental health is a combination of genes and experiences. The Center on the Developing Child explains that there is an interplay between a child's genes and their experiences as they develop. Children who have adverse childhood experiences or toxic stress are at a greater risk for developing mental health problems. Zacahrias says, "We often say, “Too much stress, over too long of a time, with too little caregiver support.”

What are some things parents can do to help encourage healthy childhood mental health? According to Zacharias, becoming a "regulating partner" for your child is one step parents can take to encourage healthy childhood mental health. "A regulating partner is someone who can stay regulated in the face of their child’s dysregulation—a calm in the child’s emotional storm. When parents can support their child’s exploration, curiosity, and natural drive for learning, while also welcoming their child in when they are in need of nurturance and support. A parent who supports mental health is able to be (much of the time because none of us are perfect and we don’t need to be) “bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind.”"

What are other resources that can help parent's support their child's early childhood mental health? 

• https://zero-to-three-review.herokuapp.com/espanol/infant-and-early-childhood-mental-health
• https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/
• https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-early-childhood-mental-health/
• Wellspring Grant videos available under Parent Resources
• If you feel you or your child could use mental health support, you can contact https://www.canvashealth.org/