Let's talk about guilt.
Specifically, let's talk about mommy and daddy guilt. I have lost count of the
number of things I have felt guilty about in my 16 years of motherhood. There
was the time I fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon and missed picking my
girls up from school. Never mind, that I had been up all night with their sick
little brother. I still felt like the worst mom ever when I got to the school
and saw the tears on my middle daughter’s face. Or there was the time I
accidentally caught my daughter's leg in the sliding door of the van. OOPS! She
escaped with a just a bruise, but I still beat myself up for days. Of course,
it didn't help that every time we got in the van she would remind me not to
shut the door too soon!
As parents we are our
toughest critics. We think about all the things we should have, would have,
could have done and feel guilty. This guilt can lead us to doubt ourselves as
parents. I'm not saying that all guilt is bad. Feeling guilty for losing my
temper with my kids has led me to apologize and try really hard to find ways to
remain calm during other tough interactions.
I recently read an
article, 5 Ways to Cope when Mom Guilt is Getting the Best of
You, by Taylor Pittman. She highlights the causes of and ways to shut
down parental guilt. As I was reading the article, I could think of times in my
life where I have experienced guilt in each of these areas.
Taking care of yourself
is taking care of your family.
Recently, my husband and
I had the opportunity to go out for a rare date night. My son is not a fan of
us going out at night and being babysat by his sisters. He especially has a
hard time going to bed when at least one of us isn't home with him. Despite
being excited about a night out with my husband, I also was dreading the
inevitable tearful phone call asking when we would be home because every time I
feel guilty that I am not home to handle bedtime. When this type of guilt
arises, I just have to remember that spending time with my husband makes me happy
and refreshes me. I am a better mom when I take care of myself and my
relationship with my husband.
Missing out on
milestones or other kid events does not make you a bad parent.
I have 3 kids and
husband who travels for work. It is impossible for me to make it to all my
kids' events. And despite knowing this, I still feel guilty for missing out on
seeing my kids' events. It is even worse for my husband who misses out due to
work. He tries very hard to be present and engaged with the kids and their activities
when he is home. Parents miss out on kid activities and even milestones because
parenthood is only part of who we are. We might have work, other children,
family and variety of other responsibilities. The key to lessening these
feelings of guilt is to be present and delight in your children when you are
with them. In other words, enjoy the activities and milestones you do get to
experience with your child.
The perfect parent is a
myth.
There are a lot of
messages parents receive about what they should be doing as parents. Limit
screen time, only healthy foods and snacks, educational opportunities, reading
daily, just to name a few. But let's get real, maintaining all of these high
and lofty goals 100% of the time would be exhausting and certainly guilt
inducing when we aren't able to maintain perfection. This where the 80/20 rule
comes in handy. Throw out perfection and embrace the idea of being good enough
because that is all your child needs you to be.
Social media is not
reality.
Anyone who has ever
attempted to take a family picture with young children can tell you that for
every decent shot you take there are probably 10 where someone is crying, not
looking at the camera, not smiling or even better, intentionally making a goofy
face. Yet, those aren’t the pictures we share. Parents need to put on reality
goggles when on social media. Remember that the perfect lives we see in other's
posts are not reality. There were
probably tears, and maybe even some yelling before "perfection" was captured.
Even better, let's get real about what we share on social media. Share the not
so perfect story and pictures that truly capture what real-life is all
about.
It's okay to make
mistakes.
Parenting is hard. There
are going to be times when you don't make the right decision or lose your cool.
I have stopped feeling guilty for messing up as a mom. Instead, I choose to see
those moments as an opportunity to show my kids that no one is perfect. That it
is okay to make mistakes. What matters in life is how we handle those mistakes
and learn from them that make us better people.
Join me in making
parenting a No Guilt Zone. Let go of the things that you have been feeling
guilty about. Be present with your children. Delight in them. Take time for
you. And remember that your child just needs you to be good enough!
