Is Your Child a Thinker or a Feeler?

I am a mom to 19, 17 and 14 year-olds. I have been doing this mom gig for a while now. One of the things I learned early on as a parent of multiple children is that what works for one child doesn't always work for another child. This is especially true for my kids in how they deal with their emotions. I have kids who are feelers and I have a kid who is a thinker. You might be wondering what it means to have a feeler and a thinker. I think that best way to explain this is tell a couple of stories about my kids. 

My oldest daughter developed a love for the sport of gymnastics from her very first mommy and me gymnastics class when she was 2 years old. She continued participating in gymnastics for many, many years. She worked hard and put in a lot of time and effort into making the team at her gymnastics center. All this hard work brought a lot of joy and fun but also lots of injuries. She repeatedly hurt her wrist and reached a point where she was no longer able to continue participating in gymnastics. This was a very difficult decision for us to make. She loved gymnastics. Her friends were at gymnastics. It was a major part of her life. When she walked out of the gym the night of her last practice, I wrapped her up in my arms and let her cry. I told her it was ok to be sad. We just felt those big emotions and focused on how she was feeling for a couple of weeks. It was only after we let her have her feelings that we were able to talk about what she wanted to do next. She decided to join the soccer and softball team. If we had tried to talk to her right away about other sports she could play to try and fix this problem for her, she wouldn't have been able to talk about it or even consider trying a new sport. 

So, let's compare that story to a story about my middle daughter. She started playing hockey when she was seven. She had begged to play hockey for at least a year before we relented and agreed to let her give it a try. After one season of hockey, she was hooked. Not only was she hooked, but she decided she wanted to be a goalie. She continued to play other sports, but hockey became her main sport. She played year-round on different teams and attended various camps. Flash forward several years and my daughter's hockey team was playing in the end of the season tournament. This game was a must win game. The team who won got to go on to the regional tournament. The losing team ended their season. The game was a very close game, so close that it went into 3 overtime periods. My daughter had an amazing game. She had over 50 saves and only gave up 3 goals. Unfortunately, the third goal was the goal that ended the game and her team's season. I knew she would be very upset with herself for giving up the final goal despite how great she played. When she came out of the locker room, I told her good game and we quietly walked out of the arena to the car. I reached around her to unlock the car and she thought I was trying to hug her. She snapped at me, "Don't Touch Me!!" I explained that I was just unlocking the car not trying to hug her. Once we were in the car, I told her to let me know if she wanted to talk about the game. We rode home in silence until we were about to turn into our neighborhood. At this point she quietly said how mad she was that they lost the game. This was my green light to tell her that it was okay to be mad and disappointed that they lost. I also knew that I could now point out how good of a game she played, and it wasn't her fault that they lost. If I tried to tell her these things right away, she would have just gotten even more mad!

I'm sure at this point you can see the difference between how my daughters handle their emotions but who is the thinker and who is feeler? My oldest daughter is a feeler. My middle daughter is a thinker. If I am being totally honest, it took me longer than I like to admit to realize I had to approach emotions with my daughters in different ways. While I eventually learned I had to help my daughters process their emotions differently, I have only recently heard the terms feeler and thinker. Author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, explained this concept as well as some great tips for helping feelers and thinkers. 

Follow these steps if your child is in the feeling mode:

• Focus on the feelings. Listen to your child's feelings. Label them and validate them. 
• Let your child feel their feelings by giving them time to feel sad or mad or frustrated, etc. 
• Check in with your child to see if they are ready to problem solve. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one.
• Problem solve when your feeler is ready. Feelers are only ready to problem solve if they have been given an opportunity to feel.

Follow these steps if your child is in the thinking mode:

• Focus on the facts. Say what has happened. 
• Give your child a voice. Let them tell you about what they think or what occurred. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one. 
• Then talk about the emotions your child was feeling.

It can be hard to tell when your child is young if they are a feeler or a thinker. Honestly, it may change from day to day or situation to situation. A good way to determine which mode your child is in is to offer a hug. A feeler will accept the hug and you can focus on the feelings before moving into problem solving. A thinker will probably reject the hug. At this point switch the focus from feelings to facts before moving onto problem solving and labeling emotions. Just remember that the ultimate goal is to help your child identify and manage emotions so they can problem-solve. 

Back to School is Almost Here!

Now that August is here many parents and children are beginning to think about the start of the school year. Going to school is a big, exciting step for children and their parents. The transition to preschool or kindergarten can also be a little worrisome for both too. For many children, this transition may be a little more difficult due to the pandemic. There are many things families can do to help their child have a successful transition to school. 

Start talking about school. Ask your child what they are excited about doing at school. Is there anything they are worried about? Share what you are feeling as well. Share about how proud you are for them to be growing up and starting school but it is also okay to let your child know that you will miss them while they are at school.

Do an informal visit to the school your child will be attending. When my children were starting preschool, we frequently drove past the schools they would be attending and I would point them out to them. We also played on the playground at the school during the summer. 

Attend the school's open house or meet and greets. If your child's school holds an open house or meet & greets, be sure to attend these with your child. This gives your child an opportunity to see their classroom and meet their teacher. This can go a long way in helping your child feel comfortable on their first day of school. 

Be prepared for separation anxiety. We know that many children have spent most of the previous school year with their families. They may not have attended school or childcare in person. They may have had a school year that was a mix of in-person and distance learning. All of this could add to the possibility of your child experiencing separation anxiety. If your child struggles with separation anxiety, you can take some steps to help your child overcome this anxiety. Keep your goodbyes short and sweet. Trust me, I know it can be very hard to leave your child when they are distressed. My son is a slow to warm up kid and had a hard time at the start of the each new school year. I worked hard to make my goodbyes short and sweet. I would say, "Mommy is going to go. You are going to stay here and play. I will be back after lunch. I love you. Have fun!" Then I would leave. At pick up, I would be excited to see him and often say something about how brave he was and how proud I was that he stayed at school. You can also talk to your child's teacher to see if it is okay for your child to bring a security item from home.

Choose a fun way to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to your child in the same way every time can help them feel safe and comfortable. Most have probably heard the saying, "See you later alligator," but there are many fun ways to say goodbye. 

Play school at home. Take turns being the teacher and student with your child. Do some of the activities they will experience at school like reading stories, playing and doing projects. 

Create or continue first day of school traditions. Traditions, like having a special breakfast or dinner, visiting grandparents or taking a first day of school picture, can help your child get excited about school. Our family always took first day of school pictures usually at the same spot in our front yard each year. My oldest daughter even sent me a first day of school picture from her college dorm room last year!

Reach books about going to school. There are a lot of great books about starting school that you can share with your child. Click here or here for lists of books that can help calm your child's nerves about starting school. 

Make sure your child is getting plenty of sleep. Start transitioning your child's bedtime and wake up time to what it will be during the school year a couple of weeks before school starts. This helps your child get use to this new routine before school starts. If your child is having anxiety about school, it can impact their sleep. Practice calming techniques, like deep breathing, at bedtime to help your child be calm and ready to sleep. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help. If your child struggles with the transition to school, communicate with your child's teacher and school. You can work as a team to help your child have a successful transition to school.