The Magic Ingredient for Calm!

Saturday is my typical grocery shopping day. I make my weekly meal plan and grocery list. Then head out to the stores I usually shop at. Here's the thing about grocery shopping, I not only go to the certain stores in a certain order, I drive to the stores following the same route. I also go through the store in a certain order, every single time, produce first, then dairy, followed by meat, canned goods and finally the frozen section.

By now you are probably wondering what on earth my grocery shopping habits have to do with parenting. The process of grocery shopping is an example of a routine that is part of my life. As adults we have many routines that we follow without even thinking about it, whether it is our morning routine after waking up or our route when driving to work or how and when we grocery shop. These routines provide us with a structure around which we build our day. Routines can be used in much the same way with kids. In fact, routines just might be the magic ingredient to creating a calm day and limiting mayhem in your house. 

Routines can be used at certain times of the day, bedtime or morning routines. They can also be helpful managing activities or behaviors, cleaning up toys or getting out of the house, that are difficult for you and your child. Routines help kids know what to expect so they can be successful. They also provide a sense of security and safety to children. Keep reading to learn about how to create and use routines with your child to help keep your days running smoothly. 

1. Consider what activities your child need and/or enjoy that help them stay calm. Some possible activities might include time outside, physical activity, creative outlets, and time spent alone. Once you have determined what the activities are most important incorporate them into your daily routine. 
2. Include time for kids to complete tasks like chores, and for older kids, homework and practices or lessons for sports or music. It can be tempting to jam pack your child's daily schedule or routine but this can be counterproductive. Be careful not to over-schedule your child. 
3. Be sure to MAP routines to teach them to your child. MAP stands for Model, Add a picture or cue, and Practice. Cleaning up toys can be a good activity around which to create a routine. When my kids were young, I taught or modeled how to clean up their toys by showing them how put the toys in the correct containers instead of just saying pick up your toys. Part of our routine was also to assign each person a certain thing to clean up. One child picked up the doll clothes while another picked up all the balls, etc. I added a cue to clean up time by singing the clean up song so they knew when it was time to start cleaning up. Finally we practiced cleaning up over and over again. 
4. Use picture schedules or routines. These visuals help the child know what to do during the routine. 
   
   
   
5. Be flexible. It is not possible to have everyday be the exact same. Our weekdays are often different from our weekends or holidays. The activities that happen on these days might be different but the time when things like meals, naptime and bedtime occur should stay close to the same time. You can also allow for flexibility by giving your child choices during a routine. For example, you might add flexibility to bedtime by giving your child the choice between brushing their teeth or putting on their pajamas first. 
6. Routines are not just for scheduling. You can use routines to teach safety skills, social skills and more. I used the game Red Light, Green Light to teach my kids to stay near me when we were in stores. They were allowed to walk in front of me through the store until I said Red Light. Then they had to stop until I said Green Light. If they didn't stop they then had to ride in the cart or stroller until we were done with our shopping trip.

Creating routines can add a sense of calm to while offering a sense of security and stability to children. Children will do best when you set routines that are regular, predictable and consistent. If you have questions about how to establish routines in your home, our ECFE Licensed Parent Educators can help by providing a free parent consultation. Request your here today!

     

What's Your "Onion Saga"?

Let me paint you a picture of my most recent mommy meltdown. It was dinner time. I really didn't feel like cooking but I sucked it up and decided to make beef fried rice to use up some leftover steak. If you have had fried rice you know that it has onions in it. My son has a strong dislike perhaps even hate for onions. I know this so as I started cooking I had a decision to make. Do I leave out the the onions? Do I cut them small in the hope that they will blend into the cauliflower rice? Or do I cut them big so he can pick them out? I went with cutting them small so they would blend in. This was the wrong choice and I think deep down I knew this. I knew that he would be unhappy and complain so I was already a little on edge from anticipating his complaint. And complain he did! The first words out of his mouth as he came to the table were, "Does this have onions in it?" Now this may seem like an innocent question but the minute I heard it, I felt my shoulders tense up and my frustration grow. When he proceeded to complain about how I always put onions in everything and how much he hates onions, I did the only "logical" thing. I took his plate and let him know he didn't have to eat it. This just led to him continuing to complain. Now I had another choice. I could empathize with his frustration, ignore him or I could let my frustration win and get angry. Guess which one I went with! I got mad. This led to a lot of yelling including me telling him I didn't care whether he liked onions or not. The reality is we were having two different arguments. He was arguing about the onions and I was arguing about how his complaining made me feel. And neither of us was winning. 

So why am I telling you this story? Because parenting is hard. There will be times when you as a parent are going to mess up. You will make mistakes and missteps. And it is okay for this to happen. It is what we do after and how we work to try and limit these missteps and mistakes that matter. This where the idea of positive parenting comes into play. There are some concrete steps we as parents can take to help limit our parenting meltdowns. 

1. Change your point of view. Instead of looking at a situation from your point of view, imagine what your child's point of view is. This is especially important to do during difficult times. In the case of the onion saga, I could have said to myself, "He really dislikes onions and doesn't want to eat them." This point of view change might have led to me telling him that I had thought about him not liking onions so had cut them up small so he wouldn't notice them as much. 
2. Focus on and celebrate your child's strengths. Remember each child is unique and needs to be celebrated for who they are. Sometimes as parents we need to reframe the way we look at certain behaviors. 
3. Don't miss out on everyday opportunities to connect with your child. It is really easy as parent to get lost in the everyday task of parenting and work. If you are anything like me, you probably find yourself running through the list of things to do in your mind throughout the day. This list can easily distract us from simple moments when we can connect with our kids. The cool thing is that when we take the time and enjoy those moments of connection, the hard moments are little bit easier to handle. We can fall back on our connection to help us get past the hard stuff. If you are looking for a fun way to create connection check out our Family Fun-Live Events. These virtual events are free and are a great way to spend time connecting with your child. For more information about our January event click here. 
4. Set age appropriate limits for your child. I am going to guess that as you read through my mommy meltdown story somewhere in the back of your mind you were thinking, "Is she excusing his behavior? He shouldn't have been complaining." I am definitely not excusing his behavior. He is old enough to know that coming to the table and complaining is rude and inappropriate. This is a limit that we have had set for a long time. Apparently he has decided to double check that the limit is still in place. 😂Here's the deal though. How I went about enforcing the limit wasn't effective or appropriate either. See the next bullet point for more!
5. Check yourself first! We often react instead of respond to our children's behavior. A reaction is a snap decision made in the heat of the moment based on your emotional response. My story highlights this well. I definitely reacted to my son instead of responded. If I had taken a moment and checked my own emotions so I could regulate myself, I would have been able to respond in a way that enforced the age appropriate limit while also responding in a way that validated my son's feelings. 
6. Mistakes and missteps happen. It is okay. No one expects you to be perfect. Have grace for yourself. After my son and I had a chance to calm down, I apologized for yelling. I explained that sometimes I was going to put onions in a dish and we agreed that I would cut them in large pieces so he could pick them out. I also explained how his reaction made me feel so he would understand why it was such a big deal to me. 
7. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support. Parenting is hard and sometimes you just need to talk to to someone about it. Our ECFE program is a great place to find support from early childhood teachers, parent educators and other parents. Our Winter/Spring semester will be starting in just a couple weeks, check out our schedule of classes. We also offer one on one parent consultations. You can sign up for a consult here.

These positive parenting strategies may seem simple but it is hard work to put them into practice. I suggest picking one to focus on for a week or two. Once you feel it has become part of your parenting toolbox add another and practice it for a few weeks. And remember practice still won't make you perfect but it will probably help you navigate the next "onion saga" that is thrown your way!