The Lessons I've Learned

Parenthood has taught me a lot of lessons. Sixteen years of parenting my middle daughter has taught me the most about myself. That's right, somehow my second baby is already 16! This has really got me thinking about what it has been like to be her mom. One thing I can tell you for sure is that I haven't done everything right, but I know I have learned, grown and improved through being her mom, not just as a parent but as a person too. So in honor of my baby girl's sixteen years, I thought I would share a few of the lessons I have learned.

• Temperament really does matter. This should really not be earth shattering since temperament is the building block of our personalities. However, I never realized quite how much my temperament shaped my approach to the world until I had a kid with a similar temperament. One would think this similarity would make parenting her easier. Nope! Not a chance! What it did do was show me some things about myself, like the fact that I have a high intensity of reaction. I am typically a pretty even keeled person but I tend to have strong reactions to things. My daughter is much the same way. As a toddler, she was the sweetest, most loving, kindest kid until she wasn't. There was no middle ground. This lead to some epic battles of will between us. Recognizing that her intense reactions to things was simply part of her temperament and not something I could change, allowed me to help her navigate and regulate her reactions to things. Realizing that my reaction to her intensity was also intense helped me figure out how to regulate myself before I tried to parent her. 

• Being Hangry is a real thing. Seriously, this girl could have some epic meltdowns. Nothing her dad or I did could stop them from happening. Until one day one of us, in a moment of desperation, gave her some juice. She drank the juice and calmed down almost instantly. She simply had been too busy playing to notice she was getting hungry. We had to teach her to pay closer attention to her body so she could tell us she was hungry to prevent the meltdowns instead of trying to stop them once they started. So the next time your child is having a meltdown, Stay Calm and H.A.L.T. Ask yourself, is my child hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Meeting those needs may the quickest way to calm their storm.

• A sense of humor makes your life so much more fun. My daughter was born with a natural sense of comedic timing. She has always been able to lighten the mood by doing something goofy and a little off the wall. It helps to remind me not to take things too seriously. 

• Be who you are. Find your passion and own it. My daughter has found her passion and ran with it. She started asking to play hockey from a pretty young age. Her dad and I tried to convince her to try something else. We even went so far as to sign her up for speed skating. She did one practice, got off the ice and said, "Where's the puck? Can I play hockey now?" So, needless to say, this happened:

Of course, playing hockey wasn't enough--she had to become a goalie. And now 10 years later she still plays and is hoping to play at the collegiate level.

Here's the thing, she loves this sport so much that she inspired me to try it too. I have now been playing for 7 years, the last 3 as a goalie.

• We have to love our kids through the hard stuff, the big emotions, the meltdowns, etc. What I mean by this is not that we don't love our kids when they are going through these tough times but that we have to use love to help them get through it. I tried for longer than I care to admit to control, stop or change my daughter's feelings. I would try to convince her that whatever she was upset about wasn't a big deal. It wasn't that I didn't care about her feelings. I wanted to stop the behavior that came with the feelings. I wanted to fix it and make it better. I learned I need to let her have her emotions and be there to help her feel safe and loved. I couldn't teach her how to handle and communicate her feelings in an appropriate way until she felt loved and safe. I know now that the best thing for me to do when she is upset is to let her know I am there for her and when she is ready I will listen. The great thing about this is that she often comes to the realization that what she is upset about isn't that big of a deal and she can handle it without me trying to force her there. 

Parenting is a lot about teaching our kids. The thing is that while we are teaching them they are also teaching us. Take some time and think about the lessons you have already learned from your children. Before you know it you will be looking back on 16 years and be amazed at all that you have learned. So to this amazing kid, I say thank you for all the lessons you have taught me!