And vs. But

And & But...Two tiny yet powerful words. One is used to create connection while the other can discount another person's experience or feelings.

As parents, you have probably heard that we should label our children's emotions. Labeling our children's emotions teaches them how to identify their emotions and emotions in others. It is also a great way to show empathy to our children. Here is where the word but comes into play. As parents we often say things like, "You are sad but we need to leave the park" or "I'm sorry you are frustrated but you can't throw toys" or "I'm sorry I yelled at you but you didn't listen." What does the word but do in each of these examples? How do you feel when people say things like this to you? The word but essential discounts the first part of the message. It says that how the other person feels isn't important. If part of our goal in labeling our children's emotions is to show empathy, using the word but defeats this purpose.

So that brings us to the word and. How is the using the word and different from saying but? Using the word and allows us to be kind and firm. We can show empathy and set a limit while creating a connection with our child. In the book, Positive Discipline: The first three years, the authors discuss different ways you can use kind and firm statements.

• Validate feelings: "I know it is hard to turn off the tv and it is time to go outside."
• Show understanding: "You want to keep playing instead of going to bed, and it is bedtime."
• Redirect behavior: "You don't want to put your coat on, and I don't want you to get cold. Let's race to see who can put their coat on fastest"
• Provide a choice: You don't want to go to bed, and it is bedtime. Should I pick the book or do you want to pick?"
• Offer a choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do: "You want to run around the store, and that is not safe. You can stay by me or go in the stroller until you are ready to walk."

Now I am not suggesting that using the word and vs but is going to be a magic wand. It doesn't mean that your child won't get upset and fight against the limit that you set. However, using the word and allows us to show empathy and set limits for our children without discounting their feelings or experiences. It helps us stay in the authoritative style of parenting. This style is often referred to as the Kind and Firm parenting style. This style of parenting is considered to be the most effective style. We want to spend as much time practicing kind and firm parenting as possible.