So you might be wondering if challenging behavior isn't naughtiness, what is it? The best way to answer this question is with a short story from my own parenting experience. When my now 13-year-old daughter was a toddler, she would have massive meltdowns. We are talking Mount Vesuvius erupting meltdowns. Once she got going there was no stopping it. We were in for at least 30 minutes of crying and screaming. My husband and I tried a variety of techniques to try and stop these meltdowns, everything from time-outs to taking away toys to having a few parental meltdowns right along with her. Needless to say, none of these punitive approaches to stopping these meltdowns worked. So what did work, you ask. Juice. That's right juice. For some reason, in the midst of an epic no holds barred meltdown, one of us gave her a glass of juice to try and calm her down. That little girl couldn't get the juice into her system fast enough. She slurped it down in great big gulps and instantly felt better. So what did we learn? We learned that she was melting down because of a physical reaction to having low blood sugar. We learned that no form of punishment on the back end of these meltdowns was going to make her stop having meltdowns. We needed to start watching for the signs that she was getting hungry sooner. And more importantly, we needed to teach her to listen to her body and tell us when she was getting hungry or hangry, as we now call it!
This brings me back to my original question. If challenging behavior isn't naughtiness, what is it? It is communication. Our daughter was communicating to us that she was hungry but wasn't able to tell us this with her words. So take a minute and think about a challenging behavior that your child engages in frequently. Is he grabbing toys from a friend? Is she getting out of bed multiple times at bedtime? What is your child trying to communicate or think of it as what is the reason behind the behavior? A child who grabs toys might not know how to ask for a turn. The preschooler who climbs out of bed repeatedly might be feeling scared or alone.
It can be difficult to determine what the exact reason behind your child's behavior is. Some common reasons behind challenging behaviors are:
- Gaining adult attention (positive or negative)
- Acquiring an item or activity
- Avoiding a job, direction, activity or attention.
An Antecedent-Behavior-Consequence (ABC) chart can be a useful tool for helping you determine what your child is trying to tell you through their behavior. Describe the antecedent or what happened right before the behavior. Describe the behavior. Describe the consequence. Over time, you will begin to notice a pattern. The child who grabs toys away from other kids always does it when other children play with his train set. The child who gets out of bed multiple times stays in bed when mom or dad sits in his room for a few minutes when they put him back to bed.
Once you have discovered a pattern to the behavior, now it is time to find a way to lessen the occurrence of the behavior. You can find ways to prevent a behavior from happening. Putting away special toys before play dates. You can teach the child an appropriate way to act. In my daughter's case, we had to teach her how to notice she was getting hungry, stop what she was doing and tell us. Finally, you can reinforce positive behavior and not negative behavior. This can be done through modeling and encouragement.
So to end this post, I want to leave you with a challenge. Stop viewing challenging behavior as naughtiness or being bad. And start seeing it as a form of communication. Change your parenting mindset!
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