What's your button?

We all have them. You know, those behaviors in our kids or other people that drive us crazy. Make us want to pull out our hair. That push our BUTTONS!!!! Whining was a big button pushing behavior for me when my kids were younger. Use your big girl voice was my mantra. I would spend what felt like all day everyday repeating this to my daughter. And then my husband would come home and in one moment erase this message by giving her what she whined for. This, of course, pushed my buttons too! I don't tell this story to criticize my husband. Quite the contrary, I had to learn that what pushed my buttons didn't necessarily push my husbands' buttons. In fact, he didn't even notice when our daughter was whining. He had to train himself to listen for the whining.

Whether its your kids bickering or not listening the first time or picky eating or temper tantrums that push your buttons, it is important to be aware of what is really going on when your buttons are being pushed.

Conscious Discipline is a discipline approach that focuses on internal mental state of children and parents first and the behavior second. The basic idea is that "we can learn to consciously manage our own thoughts and emotions so we can help children learn to do the same" (Conscious Discipline Brain State). There are three brain states:

• Survival State-This state is focused on the question, Am I Safe? The survival state brings on a fight, flight or freeze response. The only way to calm a survival state is to provide a sense of safety. 
• Emotional State-This state is focused on the question, Am I Loved? The emotional state brings on temper tantrums in kids. Parents, in this state, have an emotional response. This might include frustration and anger. This is when we get into asking the "What is wrong with you question?" or thinking, "They shouldn't be acting this way." The only way to calm an emotional state is to provide a sense of connection. 
• Executive State-This is the thinking, learning, rational and logical state. In this state, we are able to think through and problem-solve so we can make better choices. 

So what does this mean for us as parents when our buttons are being pushed? When we are in the survival or emotional state, we are reactive. As parents, this typically means that we revert back to parenting the way we were parented even if this approach is harmful or ineffective. The executive state is receptive. It is in this state that we can learn, think and problem-solve. It makes sense then that when dealing with challenging behaviors it is important for parents to be aware of which state they are in. We cannot help our children learn to be aware of their internal states and behaviors if we are being reactive.

So my challenge to you is this: spend some time reflecting on those button pushing behaviors. What is it about those behaviors that push your buttons? How do you feel when your buttons are being pushed? How do you respond? It is only by being conscious of our own internal states and behaviors that we can help our children recognize theirs.