Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

At some point, all parents will encounter the moment when their sweet little cherub tells a whopper of a lie. Young children's first attempts at lying are often quite comical because, let's face it, they just aren't very good at it. As parents, we might laugh at these initial attempts at lying. But at the same time, we feel a sense of discomfort and unease. We are often left asking, "How do I make my child tell the truth?"

Before diving into how to stop our kids from lying, lets take a look at why kids lie. First, it is important to remember that, up to age five, children do not have a clear understanding of right and wrong or reality versus fantasy. A child might lie because that is what they wish to have happen. For example, a young child might tell their dad that mommy said they could have a cookie even though that is not the truth.

Fear of punishment is also a common reason behind young children's lying. Check out this cute video of a toddler lying to stay out of trouble. It is important to remember young children are just starting to develop self-control. They can't always stop themselves from doing something they shouldn't. When confronted with what they did and their parent's displeasure, young children will often lie to stay out of trouble.

The upside of young children lying is that it indicates an important step in brain/cognitive development. A child who lies understands that other people can have different beliefs than their own. They understand that people's experiences shape their beliefs. They also understand that beliefs and reality are not the same. Check out this clip to learn more about this aspect of children's cognitive development. 

So lets get back to that all important questions, "How do I make my child tell the truth?" It is helpful to reframe how you think about lying. Instead of viewing lying as misbehavior, view it as a sign that your child is missing knowledge and skills. Lying can be seen as an opportunity to teach about telling the truth.

If you catch your child in a wishful lie, a good way to handle it is to respond by recognizing their wish. "I know you wish you could have a cookie before dinner. You like cookies. We eat our 'good for us' food before treats."

Parents can feel angry when they catch their child doing something undesirable. And when you add lying on top of it....well, we all know that just makes it worse. In these moments if we respond with anger and shame, we may actually be reinforcing lying. Our child will focus on our reaction versus what we want them to learn. So, as hard as it is, stay calm and teach. One way we can do this is to make observations instead of asking questions. Using the video of the lying toddler as an example a parent could say, "I see you found my lipstick and decorated my mirror. Mommy's lipstick is just for mommy. Let's get this cleaned up." Have your child help you clean up. Then invite them to draw with you with crayons and paper. "You like to draw. Let's draw together with some markers and paper."

Remember lying is a normal part of development. When your cherub tells a whopper, see it as an opportunity to teach about the truth. And enjoy and a good chuckle!