Why Do They Act Like That?

Several years ago my husband and I took our three kids, who at the time were 11, 8 and 6, to the MN Science Museum to celebrate our eldest's birthday. It was one of those perfect family outings. No one complained. The kids took turns trying out all the hands-on exhibits. And most importantly they didn't bicker or pick on one another at all. If only this blissful outing could have lasted!

When it was time to leave, we piled into our van and, as the doors shut, my son let out three big burps. They were the kind of burps 6-year-old boys pride themselves on and find hysterical. Not everyone in the car was nearly as delighted with the burps as he was. As I turned around to tell him to say "excuse me," I saw my 8-year-old daughter lean over and deliver three quick punches to his arm while screaming "THAT'S DISGUSTING!" So what did I do? How did I respond? I took a deep breath. Turned to her and tried to make a connection by saying "I know it really upsets you when..."---Oh wait---That is what I should have done. Instead I am pretty sure I yelled so loudly that all of downtown St. Paul heard me: "What were you thinking? Why would you do that?" All of this and more came out of my mouth in a fury. Once we all managed to calm down, the overriding thought I kept having was, "Why does she act like that?"

The answer to this burning question that most parents at some point will ask is the brain. In No Drama Discipline:The Whole Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain that we have an Upstairs Brain (the prefrontal cortex) and the Downstairs Brain (limbic and brainstem.) The Upstairs Brain contains the more advanced brain functions, e.g., problem-solving and self-regulation. The Downstairs Brain is more primitive and is responsible for regular functioning, emotional response and safety.

So which part of her brain, upstairs or downstairs, was my daughter in when she lost her mind over her brother's burps? She was most certainly in her downstairs brain. She was having a fight, flight or flee response to what she perceived as a threat. You might be thinking how can a burp possibly make her feel threatened. She is temperamentally sensitive to sounds and smells and can have a strong physical response to these. Combine her brother burping with her being tired and hungry and we had the perfect storm for her to feel threatened.


A child in their downstairs brain is not capable of learning, being reasoned with or even explaining why they acted the way they did. Their only concern is with either feeling safe or connected. It is our job of parents to help our child move from their downstairs brain to their upstairs brain before we discipline or teach.

How could I have helped move my daughter from her downstairs brain to her upstairs brain? Well, most importantly I should have remained calm. Yelling at her probably only increased the sense of threat she was feeling. I should have moved her away from the threat by taking her out of the car and given her a safe place next to me to calm down. Once I had helped her feel safe and created a connection with her, I could then teach her how to react when she feels threatened in the future. The key to remember is "Connect Before You Correct."

Remember, even parents can fall into their downstairs brain! Something I forgot when dealing with the big burp incident. We need to take time to calm ourselves down and move back into our upstairs brain before we try to teach our kiddos. It's okay to take a deep breath or a mommy or daddy time out to calm yourself down.