Overindulgence?

What is overindulgence?  Some may say it's a second helping of dessert!  Some may say it's springing for those must have shoes that cost a little too much.  Some may even say that overindulgence is the spice of life and none of them would be wrong.  Overindulgence can be a fun way to treat ourselves after completing a big project or reaching a life goal.  It can be a way to reward ourselves after working hard at a job well done.

What about overindulgence with children, though?  What about the occasional treat or reward for a job well done?  What about buying the little toy at the store, just for fun?  Is that the spice of life or is it giving them more than they may need?  The line may be more thin than we realize.

Finding balance between too little and too much of anything is the key and it's not always easy.  If you feel like you struggle with this elusive thing called balance, then you are not alone.  In her book, How Much is Too Much?:  Everything you need to know to steer clear of overindulgence and raise likeable, responsible, and respectful children from toddler to teen (2004), Jean Illsley Clarke defines overindulgence in the following way:

"Overindulging children is giving them too much of what looks good, too soon, and for too long.  It is giving them things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents.  It is the process of giving things to children to meet the adults needs, not the child's.  Overindulgence is giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to be meeting the children's needs but does not, so children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty. (Clarke, 2004, pg. xvii)"

Let's read that again:  "Scarcity in the midst of plenty".  Does your child ever look around his or her toy room and exclaim that they're bored?!!  Or do they sit in their seat at a live character production that you paid a LOT of money to go to and say "this is BORING"?!!  Those are just examples, but may be a little window into their soul.  There's not much that's more frustrating for a parent than hearing their child complain when they are surrounded by So. Much. Stuff.

Clarke shares the three ways that we may be overindulging:

• Too Much:  this is really too much of anything.  It happens when we struggle with not understanding what "enough" is.
• Over-Nurturing:  overdoing, spoiling, giving too much attention, doing things for children that they should be doing for themselves, and not expecting children to think of others.
• Soft Structure:  lack of rules and expectations, not teaching important life skills, and shielding children from the natural consequences of their behaviors and choices.

Which one is hardest for you?  Why do you think that's the case?  And are you thinking "now that I know this, how in the world am I supposed to fix it"?  The first step in counteracting overindulgence is recognizing it.  Being aware that you struggle and keeping track of times that trigger it can be helpful.  Establishing healthy limits and boundaries with your children is the next step.  Allowing them to hear the words "no" or "not yet" now and then are more than ok.  And as they get a little older, enlisting them in a service project to help someone in need is a wonderful way to help them gain perspective. 

Some questions to ask yourself if you're concerned about overindulgence:

• Is this something my children really needs?
• Is my child helping in an age-appropriate way at home?
• Whose need am I trying to meet?  Theirs or mine?
• Is this activity or event taking too many of our family resources (time, money, attention)?
• What did this look like in my family of origin?

Another option is to check out Jean Illsley Clarke's book for yourself.  It's an excellent read!

And finally, remember that "occasional indulgences add color, pleasure, and joy to life.  When those same indulgences become a pattern, however, the result is very different  (Clarke, pg. 3)".  I'm not suggesting to swear off of all treats and everything fun.  Just watch for the pattern.