Is Your Child a Thinker or a Feeler?

I am a mom to 19, 17 and 14 year-olds. I have been doing this mom gig for a while now. One of the things I learned early on as a parent of multiple children is that what works for one child doesn't always work for another child. This is especially true for my kids in how they deal with their emotions. I have kids who are feelers and I have a kid who is a thinker. You might be wondering what it means to have a feeler and a thinker. I think that best way to explain this is tell a couple of stories about my kids. 

My oldest daughter developed a love for the sport of gymnastics from her very first mommy and me gymnastics class when she was 2 years old. She continued participating in gymnastics for many, many years. She worked hard and put in a lot of time and effort into making the team at her gymnastics center. All this hard work brought a lot of joy and fun but also lots of injuries. She repeatedly hurt her wrist and reached a point where she was no longer able to continue participating in gymnastics. This was a very difficult decision for us to make. She loved gymnastics. Her friends were at gymnastics. It was a major part of her life. When she walked out of the gym the night of her last practice, I wrapped her up in my arms and let her cry. I told her it was ok to be sad. We just felt those big emotions and focused on how she was feeling for a couple of weeks. It was only after we let her have her feelings that we were able to talk about what she wanted to do next. She decided to join the soccer and softball team. If we had tried to talk to her right away about other sports she could play to try and fix this problem for her, she wouldn't have been able to talk about it or even consider trying a new sport. 

So, let's compare that story to a story about my middle daughter. She started playing hockey when she was seven. She had begged to play hockey for at least a year before we relented and agreed to let her give it a try. After one season of hockey, she was hooked. Not only was she hooked, but she decided she wanted to be a goalie. She continued to play other sports, but hockey became her main sport. She played year-round on different teams and attended various camps. Flash forward several years and my daughter's hockey team was playing in the end of the season tournament. This game was a must win game. The team who won got to go on to the regional tournament. The losing team ended their season. The game was a very close game, so close that it went into 3 overtime periods. My daughter had an amazing game. She had over 50 saves and only gave up 3 goals. Unfortunately, the third goal was the goal that ended the game and her team's season. I knew she would be very upset with herself for giving up the final goal despite how great she played. When she came out of the locker room, I told her good game and we quietly walked out of the arena to the car. I reached around her to unlock the car and she thought I was trying to hug her. She snapped at me, "Don't Touch Me!!" I explained that I was just unlocking the car not trying to hug her. Once we were in the car, I told her to let me know if she wanted to talk about the game. We rode home in silence until we were about to turn into our neighborhood. At this point she quietly said how mad she was that they lost the game. This was my green light to tell her that it was okay to be mad and disappointed that they lost. I also knew that I could now point out how good of a game she played, and it wasn't her fault that they lost. If I tried to tell her these things right away, she would have just gotten even more mad!

I'm sure at this point you can see the difference between how my daughters handle their emotions but who is the thinker and who is feeler? My oldest daughter is a feeler. My middle daughter is a thinker. If I am being totally honest, it took me longer than I like to admit to realize I had to approach emotions with my daughters in different ways. While I eventually learned I had to help my daughters process their emotions differently, I have only recently heard the terms feeler and thinker. Author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, explained this concept as well as some great tips for helping feelers and thinkers. 

Follow these steps if your child is in the feeling mode:

• Focus on the feelings. Listen to your child's feelings. Label them and validate them. 
• Let your child feel their feelings by giving them time to feel sad or mad or frustrated, etc. 
• Check in with your child to see if they are ready to problem solve. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one.
• Problem solve when your feeler is ready. Feelers are only ready to problem solve if they have been given an opportunity to feel.

Follow these steps if your child is in the thinking mode:

• Focus on the facts. Say what has happened. 
• Give your child a voice. Let them tell you about what they think or what occurred. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one. 
• Then talk about the emotions your child was feeling.

It can be hard to tell when your child is young if they are a feeler or a thinker. Honestly, it may change from day to day or situation to situation. A good way to determine which mode your child is in is to offer a hug. A feeler will accept the hug and you can focus on the feelings before moving into problem solving. A thinker will probably reject the hug. At this point switch the focus from feelings to facts before moving onto problem solving and labeling emotions. Just remember that the ultimate goal is to help your child identify and manage emotions so they can problem-solve. 

Back to School is Almost Here!

Now that August is here many parents and children are beginning to think about the start of the school year. Going to school is a big, exciting step for children and their parents. The transition to preschool or kindergarten can also be a little worrisome for both too. For many children, this transition may be a little more difficult due to the pandemic. There are many things families can do to help their child have a successful transition to school. 

Start talking about school. Ask your child what they are excited about doing at school. Is there anything they are worried about? Share what you are feeling as well. Share about how proud you are for them to be growing up and starting school but it is also okay to let your child know that you will miss them while they are at school.

Do an informal visit to the school your child will be attending. When my children were starting preschool, we frequently drove past the schools they would be attending and I would point them out to them. We also played on the playground at the school during the summer. 

Attend the school's open house or meet and greets. If your child's school holds an open house or meet & greets, be sure to attend these with your child. This gives your child an opportunity to see their classroom and meet their teacher. This can go a long way in helping your child feel comfortable on their first day of school. 

Be prepared for separation anxiety. We know that many children have spent most of the previous school year with their families. They may not have attended school or childcare in person. They may have had a school year that was a mix of in-person and distance learning. All of this could add to the possibility of your child experiencing separation anxiety. If your child struggles with separation anxiety, you can take some steps to help your child overcome this anxiety. Keep your goodbyes short and sweet. Trust me, I know it can be very hard to leave your child when they are distressed. My son is a slow to warm up kid and had a hard time at the start of the each new school year. I worked hard to make my goodbyes short and sweet. I would say, "Mommy is going to go. You are going to stay here and play. I will be back after lunch. I love you. Have fun!" Then I would leave. At pick up, I would be excited to see him and often say something about how brave he was and how proud I was that he stayed at school. You can also talk to your child's teacher to see if it is okay for your child to bring a security item from home.

Choose a fun way to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to your child in the same way every time can help them feel safe and comfortable. Most have probably heard the saying, "See you later alligator," but there are many fun ways to say goodbye. 

Play school at home. Take turns being the teacher and student with your child. Do some of the activities they will experience at school like reading stories, playing and doing projects. 

Create or continue first day of school traditions. Traditions, like having a special breakfast or dinner, visiting grandparents or taking a first day of school picture, can help your child get excited about school. Our family always took first day of school pictures usually at the same spot in our front yard each year. My oldest daughter even sent me a first day of school picture from her college dorm room last year!

Reach books about going to school. There are a lot of great books about starting school that you can share with your child. Click here or here for lists of books that can help calm your child's nerves about starting school. 

Make sure your child is getting plenty of sleep. Start transitioning your child's bedtime and wake up time to what it will be during the school year a couple of weeks before school starts. This helps your child get use to this new routine before school starts. If your child is having anxiety about school, it can impact their sleep. Practice calming techniques, like deep breathing, at bedtime to help your child be calm and ready to sleep. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help. If your child struggles with the transition to school, communicate with your child's teacher and school. You can work as a team to help your child have a successful transition to school. 

Got Questions?

Is my toddler ready to potty train? How should I potty train her? My 8 month old isn't sleeping through the night. How can I get him to sleep? Why does my toddler bite? How can I get him to stop? What do I do with my picky eater? How do I get my child to play independently? This is just a small sample of the questions that can arise for parents. The list goes on and on. And is always changing as your child grows and develops. The challenge for parents is not just identifying the questions but finding reliable, safe and useful answers that are developmentally appropriate. 

In their National Parenting Survey, Zero to Three found that parents are overwhelmed and unsure of where to find quality parenting information. 84% of parents report utilizing articles about parenting, but only 49% find these same articles to be helpful. Parents are also overwhelmed by the amount of information available. 54% of parents saying it is hard to know who trust due to the amount of information available. 

The same survey found that 91% of parents often rely on parenting the way their parents parented them despite only 64% finding this to be effective. Over 80% of parents rely on advice from family members and friends but this was also reported to be only about 50-65% effective depending on which family member or friend the parent asked for advice. 

So rather than just throwing their arms up in frustration, what can parents do? How can they find reliable parenting advice and resources? 

1. Remember, you know your child best. What works for one child may not work for another. With any parenting advice you receive, think about what you know about your child. Does this advice fit with your child's temperament, age and stage of development? 
2. Sign up for an ECFE class. ECFE is a great place to not only learn about parenting and child development but also find a supportive community. Registration is now open for our Fall 2021 ECFE classes. Find a class that fits your family here.
3. Sign up for one of our parent in-home or phone consultations. South Washington County Schools Early Learning offers free in-home and phone consultations with licensed parent educators for parents of children birth to age 8. These consultation allow you to ask specific questions and receive advice about your child's development and behavior or about parenting struggles or issues. Our parent consultation will start again when school starts. You can sign up for a consultation here.
4.  Choose reliable resources that provide research based information on parenting and child development. Some examples of these types of resources are MN Help Me Grow, Zero to Three, Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, Child Mind Institute, Kids Health from Nemours, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, and the Spark & Stitch Institute. 
5. When utilizing a website or article to answer your parenting questions, ask yourself the following:
1. Who is the author of the source?
2. Where was the source published? Is it reputable?
3. When was the source published? Is it recent? 
4. What information does the source include and what does the source look like?
5. Why did the author create the source? Is there a personal or professional bias?
6. When you are seeking advice, you want to know where that advice is coming from. Understanding how to evaluate a website can be very helpful. Does the domain name tell you something about the source? Look for websites that end in .edu, .org or .gov. Check out the information about the source by exploring the "About Us" or "Mission" section of the website. 

As your child grows and develops, you will have many parenting questions and need to seek information. By using some of the suggestions provided, you can ensure you are finding and using reliable, evidenced-based information. And don't forget. No one gets handed a manual when they become a parent. Be willing to learn and develop as a parent as your child learns and develops.

Summer, Summer, Summertime!

Summer has officially arrived here in Minnesota. It's time to bring on the sunshine, fun, and family time. Our community offers many great parks, events, and activities for families to enjoy. There are also a lot of fun, easy activities families can do at home to enjoy our beautiful Minnesota summer. Keep reading to learn more!

Community Events

• South Washington County Schools Community Education offers free family fun nights. Check out the games, activities, and food for all ages at Skoolie four nights a week at various sites throughout our community. 

• The Puppet Wagon is back this summer. Woodbury Parks and Recreation's Puppet Wagon travels to various parks throughout the city all summer long. It is a great way to check out various parks in our community. Come enjoy a short puppet show. Then stay and enjoy all that each park has to offer. The Puppet Wagon schedule can be found here.
• Woodbury Parks and Recreation and the Washington County Library are teaming up to offer storytime in the park at Ojibway Park on Friday July 9th and 23rd and August 6th at 10 am. 
• The Starlight Cinema Movie Series is another fun family friendly event hosted by Woodbury Parks and Recreation at Ojibway Park. Check out the schedule of these outdoor, family friendly movies here.
• Cottage Grove Parks and Recreation is also offering some fun summer events including Pop-up Splash Pads and Fab Fridays events. See the schedule below for more information. 
  
• South Washington County Schools Early Learning will be offering a biweekly virtual storytime starting July 6th at 9 am. To join our ECFE Summer Storytime like our Facebook page at South Washington County Schools Early Learning. You will then receive an invitation to join our private storytime group where the virtual storytime videos will be posted. 
• Summer Park Playdates hosted by the Early Learning Parent Advisory Council are another fun event to check out this summer. There are two opportunities each week during the summer to play and get connected. 
• Mondays 9:30-11am (June 28, July 12, 19, 26, Aug. 2, 9, 16) at Woodbridge Park, 9000 90th St S, Cottage Grove 
• Tuesdays 6-7:30 pm (June 29, July 6, 13, 20, 27, Aug. 3, 10, 17) at Ojibway Park, 2695 Ojibway Dr., Woodbury

At Home Ideas

• Sidewalk chalk is a cheap and fun activity to have on hand at home. Create fun pictures or practice writing letters and numbers with the chalk. Extended the fun by viewing the read-aloud video of Chalk by Bill Thomson. Besides the obvious fun to be had creating pictures with the chalk, sidewalk chalk obstacle courses can be a fun and easy activity that can provide lots of entertainment. 
  
  
  
• Blowing bubbles is a fun activity for kids of all ages. Check out this easy to make homemade bubble recipe. You can use many household items as bubble wands including cookie cutters, slotted spoons and more. 
• Have fun with water. Some easy ways to do this include using a small kiddie pool, water table or plastic containers and allowing your child to splash and explore with small containers, cups, and toys. Remember that young children should always be supervised around water for safety. 
• Enjoy a picnic together. Take your picnic to a local park or just outside in your yard or on your deck or balcony. 
• Play with sand in either a sandbox or table. Another easy way to provide sand for play is to use an under-bed plastic container filled with sand. Take it out when you and your child want to play. Then put the lid on it and put it away when you are done. 

We hope you will get out and enjoy some of these great events and activities this summer. We would also love to hear about the fun things you and your family likes to do during the summer. Share your ideas in the comments below. 

It's Time to Teach!

This is the third blog in a series on discipline. In the first blog, Discipline is Teaching, I defined discipline as teaching and explored the difference between discipline and punishment. Connect Before You Correct, the second in the series, focused on ensuring that your child is ready to learn before you try to teach by making sure they feel safe and loved. Scroll down to read the first and second blog. 

Now we are ready to take a look at how parents can discipline or teach their children. There are a couple of things that can be stumbling blocks when parents try to use discipline as teaching. What do you need to teach? How should you go about teaching it? Answering these three questions can help parents ensure that they are teaching when they discipline their child. 

1. Why did my child act this way? It is important to ask this question from a place of curiosity. If you find yourself answering this question with responses like, "He is trying to push my buttons?" or "She is being naughty," you are reacting to your child's behavior from an emotional state and are not ready to teach. Let's take a look at how to answer this question from a point of curiosity. Your two-year-old takes toys from her playmate. It is important to remember that taking toys from other children, having trouble waiting your turn and not sharing are developmentally appropriate behaviors for young children. So why did your child act this way? She probably wanted a turn and wasn't able to wait for it. She also could have viewed the toy as her and want it back. 
2. What lesson or skills do I need to teach? Remember, discipline as teaching views misbehavior as missing skills. It can be easy to answer this question with what we don't want our child to do. Instead, be sure to answer this question with what you want your child to do instead. A young child who is taking toys is missing the skill of asking for a turn. Another missing skill is the ability to wait for a turn. 
3. How can I best teach this lesson or skill? The key to answering this question is to focus on what gives your child a chance to practice the missing skills. In the example of a two-year-old who is taking a toy from her playmate, a parent can respond with empathy and by modeling how to ask for a turn. "You want a turn with the truck. You can ask for a turn. Can I have a turn please?" Some kids might be ready to move on at this point. Other kids might have a hard time giving back the toy and waiting for their turn. Parents can show empathy and help them wait. "It is hard to wait. Do you want to play with the blocks or do a puzzle while you wait?"

The tricky part of discipline as teaching is knowing how to go about teaching. Let's take a look at a few techniques that can help parents teach missing skills to their child. 

• Natural consequences are, as the name implies, consequences that occur naturally. A child who is running, trips and falls. A child who doesn't eat their dinner is hungry at bedtime. A child who doesn't study gets a poor grade. In order for natural consequences to work, children need to feel connected to their parents and/or caregivers. This means that parents and/or caregivers must be supportive and empathetic while allowing their child to experience the feelings brought on by their actions. When my kids were young, my oldest daughter liked to be in charge of what and how she and her siblings played. Some may say she was a bit on the bossy side! This led to plenty of squabbles between my children. It also led to me intervening when I felt she was being bossy. It took a while, but I eventually realized I was making things worse by stepping in. I took a step back and allowed her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior, which was her siblings not wanting to play with her. It was tempting to give her a I told you so response. "No one likes to play with someone who is bossy." Instead, it was time to respond with empathy. "I know you are sad that they don't want to play with you. Maybe next time you can ask them what and how they want to play. Let's go read a book."
• Logical consequences are consequences related to the behavior of the child that are put into place by the parent. Logical consequences are meant to be used on children who have already learned the necessary skills but are not using them for some reason. Logical consequences should be related, respectful and reasonable. They should also be given with a heavy dose of empathy. Let's think about an older child who has had lots of chances to practice sharing and taking turns and is refusing to share their blocks. A logical consequence in this situation may sound like this, "You can share the blocks and keep building your tower or you can choose not to share and have to come play with something else over here so everyone can have fun." If your child starts to share, you can provide positive encouragement. "Thank you for sharing. I knew you could do it." If your child refuses to share it is time to enforce the consequence. "I can see you are choosing to be done playing with blocks. Come over here and find something else to play with." This is the time for empathy when your child may express negative feelings about the consequence. "I know it is hard to share when you are playing. Let's take some deep breaths. I will help you. You can do this."
• Using positive language is another way to help children learn missing skills. Parent soften tell their kids what not to do but young children can have a hard time thinking of a more appropriate behavior to replace the undesired one. Instead of don't run, tell your child to use their walking feet. Instead of don't stand on the chair, tell your child chairs are for sitting. 
• Honoring the impulse allows your child to do what they want but in a way that teaches them when, where or how to do it. For example, your child is jumping on the bed. Honoring the impulse could include saying, "It looks like you want to jump." Then give them an opportunity to jump in a safe way. This could be jumping on a trampoline or jumping on some cushions or blankets on the floor or turning on music and jumping around to it. 

Remember discipline means "to teach." When parents discipline to teach, they are establishing the boundaries that provide children security and safety, which are the foundation of social emotional and cognitive development. This is why it is vital that discipline be paired with empathy and connection so that children know they are safe and loved and are ready to direct their energy towards engaging and exploring the world around them. 

Connect Before You Correct

This is the second blog in a series focusing on discipline. In part one, Discipline Defined, I defined discipline as teaching and explored the differences between discipline as teaching and punishment. You can find part one by scrolling down to it. Now it is time to focus on how we go about using discipline to teaching. 

It is important to consider that if discipline is teaching, we have to make sure that our child is ready to learn. Let's take a look at our brains, both children and adults. We can divide our brains into an upstairs and a downstairs brain. Our upstairs brain contains the more advanced brain functions. This where we think, remember, make decisions, regulate ourselves and more. The downstairs brain is the more primitive part of our brain. This part is responsible for regular body functions and overall safety.  

Which part of the brain do you think we need to be in to be ready to learn? If you answered with the Upstairs Brain, you are correct! We must feel safe and loved in order for us to be in our upstairs brain. This true for children and adults. The best way to help our children feel safe and loved is by building connection. We can build connection by labeling our child's emotions, empathizing with them when things don't go their way, and even offering a hug. When your child feels connected or heard, they are more willing to accept responsibility for their actions and problem solve. Let's take a look at how connection works by looking at a scenario from two different approaches.

Your child is playing with a friend and reaches over and takes the toy that their friend was playing with. How do you respond? One option might be to say, "That's not nice. Give that back. You need to come over here for a time out." Or you could say, "It looks like you want a turn with the toy. It is hard to wait for your turn. Do you want me to push you on the swings or play in the sandbox while you wait?"

Which of these two approaches builds connection? Which offers empathy and lets your child know that you understand how they feel? If you chose the second option, you are correct. 

When we respond with love and connection, our child is more likely to be able to problem-solve, reflect and take responsibility for their actions. Children who are disconnected or punished often respond with anger or placing the blame on other people. 

Once you have established a connection you are ready to teach your child what you want them to do instead. To learn more about how to use consequences, choices and much more to help teach your child tune in for part 3 of our discipline blog series. 

Discipline Defined

The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciplina which means instruction and training. So, in short, discipline should be defined as teaching. Does this match your definition of discipline? I ask this question in my parent education classroom and most parents agree. They discipline to try and teach their child right from wrong. Unfortunately, what I find to be true both in my role as a parent educator and as a parent is, as parents, we often try to teach by punishment instead of actual teaching.  

At this point you might be wondering, am I teaching or am I punishing? What is the difference? Let's take a closer look at punishment first. 

• Punishment puts the responsibility for managing behavior on the adult instead of the child. As the adult, I must stop the behavior and enforce the punishment.
• The intent of punishment is to control behavior through fear. I also strongly believe that, without realizing it, parents often use punishment to make their child feel bad so they won't do that behavior again or won't act in a certain way. 
• Punishment may bring about short-term obedience but not necessarily long-term changes in behavior. A child may comply when you are present and able to enforce the punishment but not necessarily when you aren't there. This can lead to sneaky and manipulative behavior on the part of the child. 
• Punishments rely on outside motivation instead of intrinsic motivation. It does not teach children the skills they need to do something different in the future. 

Now let's take a look closer look at discipline as teaching. 

• Discipline starts with the adult but not in the same way as punishment. Instead it begins with our intention. If our intention is help our child reflect on their choices/actions, take responsibility and learn what to do instead, then we are teaching. It is important to remember we cannot teach our children if we are reacting emotionally to their behavior. We have to regulate our emotions first before we respond to our child. 
• Connection is the key to discipline. If discipline is about teaching, our children must be receptive to learning. We create connection by offering empathy to our child. We label their emotions and let them know we understand what they are going through. We might even offer a hug. These connection help children feel safe and loved which helps them be ready to learn. 
• Children who feel calm and safe are ready to reflect on their behavior and the impact on other. This allows kids to take responsibility for their behavior. 
• Discipline as teaching views misbehavior as a child telling us that they are missing skills. For example, I often have parents ask me how can I get my child to stop hitting. I will respond by asking what do you want your child to do instead. A common answer to this "not hit" but this doesn't help us teach the child what to do instead. A better answer is, I want my child to ask for help when they are frustrated or mad. This answer recognizes the child is missing the skills that help them when they are feeling those big emotions. 

Now that you can see the difference between discipline and punishment you might be wonder what next. How do I teach my child the skills they are missing? I will cover strategies that can help you teach in the next blog. In the meantime, I encourage you focus on the first two steps to discipline as teaching. Regulate yourself first so you can wisely respond to your child's behavior instead of blindly reacting. Try out one of these simple mindfulness techniques.    

• 3 x 3 Mindfulness
• Pick up three things.
• Name item 1. Breathe in, breathe out.
• Name item 2. Breathe in, breathe out.
• Name item 3. Breathe in, breathe out. 

• STOP Mindfulness
• Stop
• Take a Breath
• Observe
• Proceed                                                                     

Once you regulate yourself, you are ready to create a connection with your child. Label your child's emotions and show them empathy. Offer a hug to help your child feel safe and loved. By practicing these important steps you will be ready to start teaching instead of punishing.