And vs. But

And & But...Two tiny yet powerful words. One is used to create connection while the other can discount another person's experience or feelings.

As parents, you have probably heard that we should label our children's emotions. Labeling our children's emotions teaches them how to identify their emotions and emotions in others. It is also a great way to show empathy to our children. Here is where the word but comes into play. As parents we often say things like, "You are sad but we need to leave the park" or "I'm sorry you are frustrated but you can't throw toys" or "I'm sorry I yelled at you but you didn't listen." What does the word but do in each of these examples? How do you feel when people say things like this to you? The word but essential discounts the first part of the message. It says that how the other person feels isn't important. If part of our goal in labeling our children's emotions is to show empathy, using the word but defeats this purpose.

So that brings us to the word and. How is the using the word and different from saying but? Using the word and allows us to be kind and firm. We can show empathy and set a limit while creating a connection with our child. In the book, Positive Discipline: The first three years, the authors discuss different ways you can use kind and firm statements.

• Validate feelings: "I know it is hard to turn off the tv and it is time to go outside."
• Show understanding: "You want to keep playing instead of going to bed, and it is bedtime."
• Redirect behavior: "You don't want to put your coat on, and I don't want you to get cold. Let's race to see who can put their coat on fastest"
• Provide a choice: You don't want to go to bed, and it is bedtime. Should I pick the book or do you want to pick?"
• Offer a choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do: "You want to run around the store, and that is not safe. You can stay by me or go in the stroller until you are ready to walk."

Now I am not suggesting that using the word and vs but is going to be a magic wand. It doesn't mean that your child won't get upset and fight against the limit that you set. However, using the word and allows us to show empathy and set limits for our children without discounting their feelings or experiences. It helps us stay in the authoritative style of parenting. This style is often referred to as the Kind and Firm parenting style. This style of parenting is considered to be the most effective style. We want to spend as much time practicing kind and firm parenting as possible. 

Teaching Impulse Control

What is impulse control?

Impulse control is the mental brakes for our behavior. It is the ability to stop ourselves from doing something that we shouldn't. Impulse control is what stops us from eating an entire batch of cookies!

Most parents can probably think of an example of when they watched their child do something impulsive. Maybe it is when they react by hitting their sibling for grabbing a toy or having a tantrum or dumping out a bucket of toys even though you have told them not over and over again. Impulse control is developmental. Just like walking, talking and potty training, children must be physically ready to develop this skill. Unfortunately, we often expect children to have impulse control before they are ready. In their Tuning In Survey, Zero to Three found that 56% of parents believe children have the impulse control to resist the desire to do something forbidden before the age of three. Of these parents, 36% believe that children have this ability before the age of two. Brain research tells us that children start developing these skills around 3 1/2 to 4 years of age. It also takes many years of practice for them to use them consistently. 

Why is impulse control important?

Children who lack impulse control can be hard to handle. They often react instead of thinking through their actions. They may have frequent meltdowns and have trouble taking turns. Once these kids start school, they are often the one who blurts out answers, have trouble focusing and staying on task. They are also more likely to be physically aggressive and struggle with social interactions. These kids can have trouble consistently following rules, lack understanding of how their actions have consequences and impact others. So, needless to say, helping children develop impulse control is very important!

How to teach impulse control?

Remember that impulse control is developmental. Kids who are working on learning impulse control aren't going to be perfect at using these skills. Some children will seem to develop impulse control easily, while other kids will need a lot of opportunities to practice impulse control. 

Here are a few fun ways to practice impulse control with your child. 

• Red Light, Green Light-I used this simple game as a way to allow my kids the freedom to move away from me in stores, the neighborhood, or park while keeping them within sight. My kids would wander ahead of me in the store and when I said "Red Light" they would stop and wait for me to catch up and say "Green Light." This game required them to listen, choose to follow directions, control their bodies and do something they probably didn't want to do (stop moving) for a short amount of time. 
• Music and Dancing-A song like The Freeze Song by Greg and Steve is a great example of this but you can use any song. Play the song and dance around with your child. If you are using The Freeze Song, stop moving when the music stops. If you are using a different song, periodically stop the song and freeze. 
• Follow the Leader-You and your child can take turns being the leader. The leader chooses a movement and everyone else follows. Playing this game requires kids to wait their turn to be the leader and follow "directions."
• Simon Says-This is another easy activity that requires kids to listen, move their bodies in a specific, controlled manner and restrain themselves from doing something that Simon doesn't say. To play, one person is Simon. They say things like jump up and down or touch your nose. The other players only do the action if Simon says "Simon says jump up and down." If a player does the action when Simon doesn't say "Simon says" they are out. 
• Freeze Tag-Kids have to freeze or stop moving and then wait for a friend to unfreeze them once they are tagged. 
• Board games-Even easy board games that are designed for younger kids are a good way to practice impulse control. Kids have to wait for their turn, follow directions and regulate their reaction to winning or losing. 

Cash or Credit Card Parenting

When my kids were younger and I was a stay at home mom, my husband and I knew we needed to create a budget to help control our spending and make sure we were saving. We listened to a podcast about making the switch from credit cards to cash as your main form of payment. My husband is a numbers guy so he created a spreadsheet with our monthly salary and all of our set monthly bills deducted from that amount. The money that was left over was divided up between our savings and a weekly cash allowance for our family. We continued this practice for many years and reaped the benefits of it. We were able to save money so when our van broke down we had money set aside to pay for it. We also were able to save for a couple of small family vacations. While the benefits were great, it wasn't always easy to manage our weekly cash allowance. We needed to make sure we had money for groceries, gas, the usual Target run and any entertainment we were doing each week. This meant that, sometimes, I didn't buy that cute shirt I saw at Target, no matter how much I wanted it. It also meant that we had stay on top of cooking at home instead of eating out. Even though it wasn't always easy, it was well worth it in helping us manage our finances.

At this point you are probably wondering, what does this lesson in financial planning have to do with parenting? Well, a very wise Parent Educator who I have worked with uses the analogy of cash or credit card parenting. In other words, we can pay now by doing what is hard as parents or we can pay later by taking the easy route.

A quick and easy example of this when you are at the store with your child and your child is asking for a toy or candy. You say no and your child starts to whine and cry. You say no again so your child kicks it up a notch. At this point you start to get that dreaded feeling that a full on tantrum is on the way. What do you do? Do you continue to say no while showing empathy for your child's disappointment? Or do you avoid the tantrum by grabbing the candy or toy and handing it to your child? Which one is the easy way out for us as parents? Most of parents probably would answer that it is easier to avoid the tantrum.

However, the more important question is what does your child learn for each of these approaches. If we, as parents, take the easy way out, our child has learned that no doesn't mean no. It means you should get more and more upset until you get what you want. The next time they are at the store the same type of situation will most like happen again. More importantly, these kids don't learn how to handle disappointment when they don't get what they want. The reality of life is that as adults we will eventually be told no. We might not get the job we want or the salary we want or afford the car we want. Children who grow up not hearing "no" turn into adults who are unhappy because the world will tell them "no". We might escape the pain of dealing with a tantrum in the moment but we are going to pay for it later in the future. 

If we practice cash parenting, we will probably have to deal with a tantrum in the moment but overtime our children learn valuable lessons. Our kids learn that "no" means "no". More importantly, they can learn how to handle being disappointed by not getting everything that they want. Parents who respond to their child's disappointment with empathy are also modeling empathy to their children. These kids will be more likely to display empathy to others.

So the next time you pull out your parenting wallet, go with cash instead of credit.

I'm Bored

I'm Bored!! If you are the parent of a preschool aged child or older you have probably heard this annoying and dreaded statement at least once. These two annoying little words have the power to drive parents crazy. It is easy for parents to fall into the trap of trying to fill their children's time with activities and entertain them so they won't get bored. In fact, a recent study published in Oxford Academic found parents believed that "children who were bored after school should be enrolled in extracurricular activities, and that parents who were busy should stop their task and draw with their child if asked." The reality is that not only is being bored a fact of life it is actually necessary and valuable!

Take just a moment and think back to your childhood. What did you do when you got bored? How did your parents respond if you told them you were bored? If you grew up anything like me, the response was probably something like "Go find something to do" or "Go play with your sisters." My mom certainly didn't drop everything to entertain me or even help me find something to do. It was my responsibility.

And find something to do we did! Boredom drove my sisters and I to come up with all sorts of creative ways to entertain ourselves. We discovered that magic markers run under hot water was a great way to dye our Barbie Doll's hair. Our Barbie's went through a serious punk rock stage. Boredom drove me to find the tools to take off the training wheels on my little sister's bike and teach her to ride without them. There was only so long I could keep going slow so she could keep up. Endless games of hide and seek, cops and robbers and tag throughout our neighborhood all resulted from us being bored. Boredom also led me to grow my love of reading. I learned that books were a great way to escape boredom. Boredom also led us to discover that we could climb up on top our house by climbing the fence to get on top of the shed and then jump over to the roof. Needless to say, our mom was not so impressed with that plan when she caught us up there!

Boredom is a fact of life. As adults, we are not constantly entertained. We have to sit through meetings or do tasks as part of our jobs that we find tedious. However, we have learned how to endure boredom. It can be short-lived and we will get through it.

Boredom is where curiosity, creativity and innovation happen. Sometimes the most boring tasks allow our minds to wander and discover amazing things. Kids have to be bored in order to learn how to handle boredom. If allowed to they discover how to use our curiosity to create new and innovative ways to entertain themselves. How else would my sisters and I learned we could dye our Barbie's hair?

Research has linked our ability to deal with boredom to self-regulation and the ability to focus. It appears that higher levels of focus and self-regulation help us experience less boredom. When we are bored, those skills allow us to find ways to not be bored.

So the next time your little cherub complains about being bored, try out an old-school approach. Tell them to "find something to do" or "go clean your room." Let them discover that boredom isn't all that bad. They can handle it. And most importantly they can find constructive ways to not be bored.

Picking a Preschool

Picking a preschool can be a daunting task. Fortunately here in Minnesota, preschool isn't as cutthroat as it is in other parts of the country. We don't have to decide before our child is born which preschool they will attend and get them on the waiting list. We do have a lot of choices available to us in our community and that alone can overwhelm parents. Keep reading to for some tips that will hopefully help guide your choice.

The January before my oldest daughter, Emma, turned three, a friend asked if we had decided where she was going to preschool. My first thought was "Preschool?? Why would I need to pick a preschool? She isn't even three yet! Fortunately for us, choosing a preschool was easy. The church we attended had a well respected preschool and because we were members she was guaranteed a spot in the program. So the next fall off my little girl went to her first day of preschool.

Usually the choice isn't quite so easy for most people so it is important to consider the various options available. There are several churches in our community that offer preschool programs. There are also preschool programs at private schools and daycare centers. And of course, South Washington County Schools Early Learning offers preschool programs for both three and four-year-olds. 

My middle daughter, Nolia, attended the district preschool when she was four. One of our favorite parts of the program was a parent-child day. Once a week, I got to go to class with her and participate in activities with her and connect with other families in the class. We continue to offer a class with this option for families that are interested. We also offer several other ways for you to be engaged in your child's preschool experience. For threes, we offer a couple classes that include an optional parent discussion day with childcare provided. Parents of both our threes and fours preschool students can sign up for our Preschool Text to Connect Program. Participants in this program receive weekly text messages with facts about preschooler's social emotional development and easy to implement tips to support that development. We also offer Parent and Child (PAC) nights at least once a year for our preschool classes.

Another important consideration when looking at preschools is the various class options offered. My son, Jonathan, has a fall birthday so started his second year of preschool right around his fifth birthday. Since he was a little older, we looked for a preschool that offered a slightly longer class day. Our Early Learning Preschool program offers a variety of classes including, multi-age classes, an extended day class option for four-year-olds, morning or afternoon classes offered two or three day a week for Threes and five day a week morning or afternoon classes for Fours.

Our children went to a variety of different preschool programs but all of the programs were play based programs. This means that when looking at the daily schedule, most of the time was spent in play. Research has shown time and time again that play is beneficial to children in many ways, including physical development, stronger levels of executive functioning, improved academic performance and better social skills and emotional regulation (AAA State of Play). 

A few other important things to consider when searching for a preschool include: 

• Price-Our Early Learning Preschool program can offer financial assistance to families who qualify. 
• Safety-Is the building secure? What safety procedures are in place at the school?
• Environment-A preschool classroom should feel warm and welcoming without being overwhelming for kids or adults. Also consider whether the children have the opportunity to play outside or in a large motor space. 
• Staff-Are the staff friendly and welcoming? Is there frequent staff turnover or changes? Also, do the teachers have Early Childhood Teaching licenses? Teachers with Early Childhood Teaching Licenses are specially trained in development of young children.

South Washington County Schools Early Learning Preschool program checks these boxes and more. Another benefit to our program is that it is an inclusive program. This provides children  a chance to learn alongside children of all different abilities. Most of our fours preschool classes are offered in our elementary schools. Children have the opportunity to become acquainted with their elementary school a year before they start kindergarten. 

To learn more about our program check out our brochure or attend one of our preschool information nights, Threes preschool program on Monday, Feb. 11th at Valley Crossing or Tuesday, Feb. 12 at the District Program Center and Tuesday, Feb. 19th at your school/location (check school websites for times.) Registration for South Washington County Early Learning Preschool opens February 1st.

Indoor Motor Activities

Winter is in full swing. And while we have had some unseasonably warm weather this week, we know the cold weather will return. Parents of young children sometimes have to get creative when it comes to finding ways to get their kids moving during our long, cold Minnesota winters. Keep reading to get some great ideas for indoor motor activities to help you keep your kids moving all winter long. 

1. Sock Toss

Provide laundry baskets or other containers and let your kids throw folded socks into them. 

2. Painters Tape Fun

Painters tape is great. It is easy to remove and can be stuck to a variety of surfaces, including carpet, tile or wood floors. (Be sure to test a small piece on your floor to make sure it doesn't leave a residue.) Tape different lines on your floor. Some ideas to try are ladder rungs for jumping and zigzag lines for walking or crawling on.

3. Hide and Seek

Instead of traditional hide and seek, try hiding a toy or object and have your child find it. Then let them try and hide the item and you find it. Don't be surprised if they hide it in the same spot as you!

4. Indoor Pool Party

One cold winter day when my kids were probably 2, 4, and 6, they came tromping downstairs from their bedrooms in their swimsuits. I asked them why they had their swimsuits on and was told they were having a pool party as they dashed back downstairs. I followed them downstairs to see just what a pool party in my basement looked like. The kids had laid out all of the blankets in our basement on the floor and a few pillows too. They had folding chairs set up around the outside of the blankets that they could jump off of and into the "pool." My oldest was the lifeguard, complete with a whistle. This was a game that was repeated throughout the winter for many years. 

5. Move Like an Animal

Find a spot in your house that has some open space and get your kids moving their bodies in different ways. 

Hop like a frog.

Fly like a bird. (Run with your arms outstretched.)

Wiggle like a snake. (Wiggle on your tummy on the ground)

Waddle like a penguin.

Walk like a bear. 

Check out this link for more Animal Movement Ideas.

6. Dance Party

Turn on your favorite tunes and have a dance party with your kids. 

7. Indoor Bowling

Save some plastic bottles to set up as bowling pins. Give your child a ball to roll at the pins. 

With some of the ideas above the next cold day doesn't need to be a boring one. Pick one or two of these to try and keep you and your child moving.  

Toys, Toys, Toys

I grew up with two sisters, all of us just two years apart in age. We spent hours playing, exploring and of course, fighting from time to time. The toys we most enjoyed playing with didn't require batteries or have lights or all the bells and whistles. In fact, the toys we most enjoyed allowed us to explore, learn and create with our imaginations. 

One of our favorite toys was our toy kitchen. Our dad and grandpa built an amazing wooden kitchen complete with a fridge, an oven and a cabinet with a sink. We spent hours cooking, playing house, restaurant and, much to my dad's dismay, washing our hair in the kitchen sink when we decided to play hairdresser. Fortunately, we got caught before we managed to cut anyone's hair. The best part of this kitchen is that when my sisters and I started having our own children, my dad and grandpa made the same kitchen set for each of our families. My own kids spent hours playing house, cooking, restaurants and yes, even hairdresser, just like my sisters and I did! 

                                          My oldest playing with the original kitchen.

                                          My oldest and her grandpa ready to play with her 

                                          brand new kitchen.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recently released a statement on toys. Their advice for parents is to choose "high-quality traditional" toys. Toys that engage children's imagination and invention and most importantly, toys that parents and children can play with and enjoy together. The co-author of the paper, Dr. Aleeya Healey, said, "The less bells and whistles a toy comes with, the more it lends itself to creative play and imaginative play." 

Toys like blocks and puzzles allow kids to manipulate the pieces and build fine motor skills, as well as, engage their thinking and problem-solving skills. Props like my kids' kitchen set encourage creative and imaginative play. Books that can be shared over and over again can spark children's play and imagination as well. There's no need to spend lots of money either. Anyone who has watched a young child unwrap an expensive toy and then play with the packaging knows that sometimes the best toys are free. Save your recycling. Let your child explore those boxes and just see what they can create!

So, what was your favorite toy growing up? Did you spend your time playing with Barbies or trucks and cars or building blocks or Lincoln Logs? Maybe it is time to track down some of those old favorites and share them with your child.