Mine! Mine! Mine!

Let me set the scene for you: Your two-year-old and his friend are playing nicely next to each other. Suddenly you hear your child shout, "Mine!", and grab the train his friend is holding. These moments can be frustrating and embarrassing for parents. We want our kids to be nice and have friends. We also don't want other parents to judge us or our children. 

So let's first take a look at why sharing is hard for young children. First, the ability to share doesn't develop as early as many parents believe. In fact, in their annual survey of parents, Zero to Three found that 43% of parents believe that children under the age of two can share and take turns with others. The reality is that this skill develops between the ages of three and four. And even then, our kiddos aren't going to be able to share 100% of the time. Secondly, toddlers are going through a major cognitive shift. They are beginning to understand that they are a separate person from those around them. However, they can only see situations from their own perspective. This is where the toddler property laws come into play. 

This also means that, for young children, their property is part of their identity. Thirdly, sharing and taking turns is hard for young children because it requires executive functioning skills that they need to be taught. A child has to be able to stop what they are doing (inhibitory control) to let another child have a turn. When it is your child's turn again, they have to remember what they were doing (working memory). If other kids do something unexpected, your child has to adjust to this (mental flexibility). 

Now that we understand why sharing is hard for kids, it's time to tackle the how. How do we teach our children to share?

Avoid Forced Sharing

Think back to the scene described above. How would you respond? Many parents might force their child to share. Unfortunately this approach doesn't actually encourage sharing. Sharing is an early form of generosity. One of the reasons people are generous is that it makes the giver feel good. When our children share voluntarily they have the opportunity to experience that good feeling of making someone else happy. Forced sharing causes children to associate sharing with negative feelings. 

Model Sharing

Our kids are watching us. If they see us sharing, they will be more likely to share. Be sure to point out when you are sharing. "I have lots of blocks. I can share some with you."

Sportscasting or Narrating

State what is happening. "Emma was playing with the shovel. Jonathan grabbed it from her. Emma grabbed it back. Now both of you are crying." This approach can draw kids attention away from the item to you. It can slow down the interaction, give them a chance to calm down and start problem solving. 

Use a timer 

A big part of sharing or taking turns is being able to stop what you are doing. This can be hard for kids to do on their own. Using a timer gives your child time to finish playing with a toy. It also provides a natural end point. Timers can also help your child understand they will get a turn again. 

Help Your Child Wait

Help your child find something else to do while they wait. "You want a turn with the trike. Becca is riding it right now. Do you want to kick the ball with me or draw with chalk while you wait?"

Allow Your Child Not to Share

Let your child pick a few special toys to put away before friends come over. Sharing is hard. Asking your child to share their brand new toy or their most favorite toy isn't setting your child up for successful sharing. 

Remember that sharing is a difficult skill for kids to learn. It requires lots of practice and patience!