Sour Patch Kids

You know that delicious candy that is sour on the outside and sweet on the inside?  Well, I heard this phrase used in one of the toddler classes this week.  A mom was describing her toddler and shared the term "Sour Patch Kids" in reference to a recent "meltdown".  "She's kind of like a sour patch kid...a little bit sour on the outside at first, but then sweet in the middle".  First I laughed out loud, then realized how insanely accurate this phrase is!  Isn't it difficult when we can't predict what we're going to get from our kiddos?  In one moment, they're sour.  In the next moment, sweet.  Talk about mixed messages.  I have a headache just thinking about it.

I think the phrase resonated with me so much because it perfectly describes what professionals in the field of Family Education call "Emotional Intelligence"...also called "EQ" (think IQ for feelings). According to the website Psychology Today , the following is the definition of Emotional Intelligence:

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include three skills: 

1. Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others;
2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving;
3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

Just as our children are developing physically and cognitively, they're also developing socially and emotionally.  Our job as their parents is to help our children become aware of their emotions so they can identify them, use them in healthy ways like problem solving, and regulate them.  It sounds exhausting, doesn't it? 

Just to add fuel to the fire, if you've been around ECFE for any length of time, you've heard ALL about temperament.  Maybe you could teach the topic by now.  One of the nine traits of temperament is "INTENSITY" and it's in all caps for a reason!  Intense children...wait for it...may need extra help sorting through and making sense of their feelings.   The strength of their emotional response is stronger (and maybe louder) than their less intense counterparts.  If their parent is at all intense, that only adds to the fun of the feelings party.  See?  Sour Patch Kids. 

By now, if you can relate to this at all, you're wondering what in the world you are supposed to do with this information.  Thankfully, there are some things that you can do to transform the sour into sweet.  You can observe your child's behavior and name their feelings for them.  Feelings can be very confusing for a young child and giving a name to the strong reaction that they're having can be helpful to them.  Become a "soft place to land" for them.  Help them to feel safe with you, no matter the strength of their reaction.  Offer hugs and reassurance.  Accept that this lovingly, sour, sweet, gift is yours and their intensity will serve them well later in life if you can help them make sense of feelings now.  They may need to stand up for a friend who's being bullied at school or make their voice heard in a tough discussion at work.  When that happens, intensity is a strength!  (If you would like to read a great parenting article on this topic, click here.)

In the meantime, give yourself a break, talk with a friend who also has a sour patch kid, and know that as they grow their Emotional Intelligence, the outbursts will happen less frequently.  In the middle, your child is sweet, loving, kind, and working hard on understanding feelings.

Also, come to ECFE.  We LOVE Sour Patch Kids!