The Magic Ingredient for Calm!

Saturday is my typical grocery shopping day. I make my weekly meal plan and grocery list. Then head out to the stores I usually shop at. Here's the thing about grocery shopping, I not only go to the certain stores in a certain order, I drive to the stores following the same route. I also go through the store in a certain order, every single time, produce first, then dairy, followed by meat, canned goods and finally the frozen section.

By now you are probably wondering what on earth my grocery shopping habits have to do with parenting. The process of grocery shopping is an example of a routine that is part of my life. As adults we have many routines that we follow without even thinking about it, whether it is our morning routine after waking up or our route when driving to work or how and when we grocery shop. These routines provide us with a structure around which we build our day. Routines can be used in much the same way with kids. In fact, routines just might be the magic ingredient to creating a calm day and limiting mayhem in your house. 

Routines can be used at certain times of the day, bedtime or morning routines. They can also be helpful managing activities or behaviors, cleaning up toys or getting out of the house, that are difficult for you and your child. Routines help kids know what to expect so they can be successful. They also provide a sense of security and safety to children. Keep reading to learn about how to create and use routines with your child to help keep your days running smoothly. 

1. Consider what activities your child need and/or enjoy that help them stay calm. Some possible activities might include time outside, physical activity, creative outlets, and time spent alone. Once you have determined what the activities are most important incorporate them into your daily routine. 
2. Include time for kids to complete tasks like chores, and for older kids, homework and practices or lessons for sports or music. It can be tempting to jam pack your child's daily schedule or routine but this can be counterproductive. Be careful not to over-schedule your child. 
3. Be sure to MAP routines to teach them to your child. MAP stands for Model, Add a picture or cue, and Practice. Cleaning up toys can be a good activity around which to create a routine. When my kids were young, I taught or modeled how to clean up their toys by showing them how put the toys in the correct containers instead of just saying pick up your toys. Part of our routine was also to assign each person a certain thing to clean up. One child picked up the doll clothes while another picked up all the balls, etc. I added a cue to clean up time by singing the clean up song so they knew when it was time to start cleaning up. Finally we practiced cleaning up over and over again. 
4. Use picture schedules or routines. These visuals help the child know what to do during the routine. 
   
   
   
5. Be flexible. It is not possible to have everyday be the exact same. Our weekdays are often different from our weekends or holidays. The activities that happen on these days might be different but the time when things like meals, naptime and bedtime occur should stay close to the same time. You can also allow for flexibility by giving your child choices during a routine. For example, you might add flexibility to bedtime by giving your child the choice between brushing their teeth or putting on their pajamas first. 
6. Routines are not just for scheduling. You can use routines to teach safety skills, social skills and more. I used the game Red Light, Green Light to teach my kids to stay near me when we were in stores. They were allowed to walk in front of me through the store until I said Red Light. Then they had to stop until I said Green Light. If they didn't stop they then had to ride in the cart or stroller until we were done with our shopping trip.

Creating routines can add a sense of calm to while offering a sense of security and stability to children. Children will do best when you set routines that are regular, predictable and consistent. If you have questions about how to establish routines in your home, our ECFE Licensed Parent Educators can help by providing a free parent consultation. Request your here today!

     

What's Your "Onion Saga"?

Let me paint you a picture of my most recent mommy meltdown. It was dinner time. I really didn't feel like cooking but I sucked it up and decided to make beef fried rice to use up some leftover steak. If you have had fried rice you know that it has onions in it. My son has a strong dislike perhaps even hate for onions. I know this so as I started cooking I had a decision to make. Do I leave out the the onions? Do I cut them small in the hope that they will blend into the cauliflower rice? Or do I cut them big so he can pick them out? I went with cutting them small so they would blend in. This was the wrong choice and I think deep down I knew this. I knew that he would be unhappy and complain so I was already a little on edge from anticipating his complaint. And complain he did! The first words out of his mouth as he came to the table were, "Does this have onions in it?" Now this may seem like an innocent question but the minute I heard it, I felt my shoulders tense up and my frustration grow. When he proceeded to complain about how I always put onions in everything and how much he hates onions, I did the only "logical" thing. I took his plate and let him know he didn't have to eat it. This just led to him continuing to complain. Now I had another choice. I could empathize with his frustration, ignore him or I could let my frustration win and get angry. Guess which one I went with! I got mad. This led to a lot of yelling including me telling him I didn't care whether he liked onions or not. The reality is we were having two different arguments. He was arguing about the onions and I was arguing about how his complaining made me feel. And neither of us was winning. 

So why am I telling you this story? Because parenting is hard. There will be times when you as a parent are going to mess up. You will make mistakes and missteps. And it is okay for this to happen. It is what we do after and how we work to try and limit these missteps and mistakes that matter. This where the idea of positive parenting comes into play. There are some concrete steps we as parents can take to help limit our parenting meltdowns. 

1. Change your point of view. Instead of looking at a situation from your point of view, imagine what your child's point of view is. This is especially important to do during difficult times. In the case of the onion saga, I could have said to myself, "He really dislikes onions and doesn't want to eat them." This point of view change might have led to me telling him that I had thought about him not liking onions so had cut them up small so he wouldn't notice them as much. 
2. Focus on and celebrate your child's strengths. Remember each child is unique and needs to be celebrated for who they are. Sometimes as parents we need to reframe the way we look at certain behaviors. 
3. Don't miss out on everyday opportunities to connect with your child. It is really easy as parent to get lost in the everyday task of parenting and work. If you are anything like me, you probably find yourself running through the list of things to do in your mind throughout the day. This list can easily distract us from simple moments when we can connect with our kids. The cool thing is that when we take the time and enjoy those moments of connection, the hard moments are little bit easier to handle. We can fall back on our connection to help us get past the hard stuff. If you are looking for a fun way to create connection check out our Family Fun-Live Events. These virtual events are free and are a great way to spend time connecting with your child. For more information about our January event click here. 
4. Set age appropriate limits for your child. I am going to guess that as you read through my mommy meltdown story somewhere in the back of your mind you were thinking, "Is she excusing his behavior? He shouldn't have been complaining." I am definitely not excusing his behavior. He is old enough to know that coming to the table and complaining is rude and inappropriate. This is a limit that we have had set for a long time. Apparently he has decided to double check that the limit is still in place. 😂Here's the deal though. How I went about enforcing the limit wasn't effective or appropriate either. See the next bullet point for more!
5. Check yourself first! We often react instead of respond to our children's behavior. A reaction is a snap decision made in the heat of the moment based on your emotional response. My story highlights this well. I definitely reacted to my son instead of responded. If I had taken a moment and checked my own emotions so I could regulate myself, I would have been able to respond in a way that enforced the age appropriate limit while also responding in a way that validated my son's feelings. 
6. Mistakes and missteps happen. It is okay. No one expects you to be perfect. Have grace for yourself. After my son and I had a chance to calm down, I apologized for yelling. I explained that sometimes I was going to put onions in a dish and we agreed that I would cut them in large pieces so he could pick them out. I also explained how his reaction made me feel so he would understand why it was such a big deal to me. 
7. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support. Parenting is hard and sometimes you just need to talk to to someone about it. Our ECFE program is a great place to find support from early childhood teachers, parent educators and other parents. Our Winter/Spring semester will be starting in just a couple weeks, check out our schedule of classes. We also offer one on one parent consultations. You can sign up for a consult here.

These positive parenting strategies may seem simple but it is hard work to put them into practice. I suggest picking one to focus on for a week or two. Once you feel it has become part of your parenting toolbox add another and practice it for a few weeks. And remember practice still won't make you perfect but it will probably help you navigate the next "onion saga" that is thrown your way!

Don't Miss Your Connection!

It has been said and said again and again but 2020 has been a hard year! Families, parents, really everyone, is overwhelmed by working from home, school moving from hybrid to distance learning, and more. I think one of the biggest things overwhelming families right now is distance and disconnection. Despite being connected to devices more than ever families are disconnected from extended family and friends. This lack of connection is weighing on all of us. So I thought it was time to think about ways to start building connection. What if instead of focusing on the connections I am missing, I focused on intentionally building connection within my own home. And I hope you will join me!

I know right now you might be thinking, "Ugh! I don't have time or energy for one more thing!" Don't worry and don't give up! I promise the ideas I share are going to be simple, easy things that only require you to set the intention to jump start building stronger connections in your family. So let's get started with 10 simple things you can do:

1. Say good morning. I mean really say good morning, not just in passing. Get your child or partner's attention, touch their shoulder, look them in the eye or better yet give them a big hug and greet them with a genuine good morning to start their day. Making this connection first thing in the morning is a great way to set the tone for the day. 
2. Use bedtime to connect. I know many of you have already established bedtime routines for your children. Take a minute and consider whether or not these bedtime routines are something you do just to get done or are they a time when you connect at the end of the day. Trust me I know that there were plenty of days when I just wanted my kids to go to bed but I also know that the times that I tried to rush through bedtime were often the times when my kids had the hardest times going to sleep. Try slowing down and truly enjoying this time. Cuddle with your child, read a story, ask them to tell you something about their day and listen, tell them something about them that you appreciated during the day. 
3. Enjoy family meals.  Research tells us that family meals are extremely beneficial to kids. Kids who have regular family meals do better in school, are less likely to participate in risky behaviors, develop healthy eating habits and more. This is because family meals are a great place for kids to feel connected and cared for. So set aside your phone and other devices, turn off the tv and enjoy some time with your family. Check out these easy conversation starters to build connection during your meals. Remember family meals can be any meal during the day that works for you. 
4. Find ways to say yes more. I can think of many times when my kids asked me for something or to do something and without really thinking about it I simply said No for no particular reason. I would  be left wondering why I said no and usually my kids weren't too happy. So I am going to encourage you to check yourself. Resist the urge to give an automatic no and ask yourself why do you want to say no. And look for ways to say Yes instead.  
5. Plan a family fun activity. Do something fun together as a family. This doesn't have to be a big complicated, expensive activity. It could be as simple as a family movie night, a walk or playing a game together. You could also check out our new monthly Family Fun-LIVE event on the South Washington County Schools Early Learning Facebook page. On the third Wednesday of the month we will be hosting a special themed activity for families to do together.This month's activity is Upcycled Art. Collect up some things from your recycling bin, grab some tape, glue and scissors and join us to see what you and your child can create together on Wednesday, December 16th from 6-6:30 pm.  
6. Find delight in your child. Give your child your undivided attention for 5 to 10 minutes each day. Set down your phone, stop whatever you are working on and look them in the eye and truly listen to and watch what they are saying and doing. What better way to build connection than to let them see how delighted you are to see them?
7. Share a hug. Physical affection is important. Hugs lower our stress levels, boosts our immune system, calms our heart rate, and can make us happier. Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, "We need four hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs hugs a day for growth." Are you getting enough hugs?
8. Let your child feel their feelings. Kids have BIG feelings. As parents we often try to minimize these feelings to try and stop the inevitable meltdowns that happen. I don't know about you but I have found that when I try to minimize or stop my kids' feelings the meltdown is so much worse. So instead try building a connection. Offer a hug. Sit close by while your child meltdowns. This doesn't mean you allow your child to be destructive or hurt themselves or others. Instead stay close and let them know you there when they are ready to talk.
9. Engage in roughhouse play. Wrestle with your child. Chase and catch them. Tickle them. All of these different types of roughhouse play build a connection with your child. And also happen to build your child's brain! How cool is that? The key to roughhouse play is make sure everyone knows the boundaries. Talk about consent and that if someone says stop, the play stops immediately. 
10. Spread the love. We often tell our children that we love them. But how often do you tell them specifically what we love about them? Share this with your child. Be as specific as possible. This also is a great idea to try with your partner too!

So let's end this crazy year on a high note and build connection with the people we love most in this world. Remember you don't have to try these all at once. Choose one each day and focus on that particular connection builder. I hope that you find, like I have, that these simple steps can help you feel more connected despite the isolation and disconnection we have been faced with this year. 

An Abundance of Gratitude

Many families, including my own, are beginning to prepare for the holiday season. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and for many of us this a time when we reflect on the things in our life for which we are grateful. I think this year more than ever focusing on what we are grateful for is even more important because the past 9 months have been difficult for everyone. In the midst of all the chaos in the world today, it can be easy to get bogged down and focus on the negative things that are going on around us. Focusing on what we are thankful can provide us with a bright spot in an otherwise crazy time. 

In fact, research shows that practicing gratitude is good for us. People who express gratitude experience higher levels of happiness. Showing gratitude benefits people by increasing positive emotions, higher levels of enjoyment for good experiences, better able to handle adversity, improve health and build stronger relationships. With all these benefits, maybe, just maybe we should be making the practice of gratitude a part of our everyday lives!

So to get started on my own practice of gratitude, I am going to share The Top 10 Things I am Thankful for this Year!

1. My Husband. We celebrated 21 years of marriage this past summer. He still makes me laugh on a daily basis and for this I am grateful. 
2. My Kids. Despite all the challenges my kids have faced this past year, switching to distance learning, cancellation of sport seasons, not getting to see their friends, moving away to college in the midst of a pandemic (just to name a few),  they have shown an amazing amount of resilience and understanding of what is best for the greater good. 
3. My Friends. My 3 best friends and I have an ongoing group chat. We text each other funny stories, ask for advice and provide support to one another despite being spread out across the country. 
4. Zoom. My extended family on my husband's side live in four different states. We had never thought about doing regular video calls until the pandemic hit. Now we get to see and talk to everyone despite living far away from each other on a regular basis. 
5. My Health. I decided in January that it was time to take care of myself. I joined a wellness program that included nutritional information, exercise and more. This commitment to myself has led to me losing just over 30 pounds but more importantly I am healthier, have more energy and am stronger. 
6. My Yard. Our yard has a nice, large, flat area that my husband turns into an ice rink each winter. I am thankful that the boards are up, the lights are strung and now all we need is some cold weather so we can have some ice!
7. My Extended Family. One of the hardest part of the pandemic has been not seeing my mom on a regular basis and I will be honest I miss her. However, I am grateful that she is staying home and is being safe. I know that as much as my dad, stepmom and in-laws would love to come visit us they are staying safe at home too. 
8. Recipe Blogs. I have cooked more at home this year than I had in the past. Browsing the various recipe blogs and trying new recipes has become a bit of a hobby for me.
9. Books. I am a voracious reader. I spend a lot of my spare time escaping into a good book. And while I love holding an actual book in my hands and turning the pages, having access to books on my phone through apps is a wonderful thing. I can read no matter where I am with just the touch of my finger. 
10. ECFE. I am so grateful to work in the South Washington County Schools ECFE program. I always say I have the best job. I get to hang out with some really cool parents and watch their kids grow and learn. It is the best of both worlds. And even though we are moving to Distance Learning, I am grateful that we have found ways to continue to help and support families. 

Here's the deal, practicing gratitude is not just beneficial for adults. It is good for kids too. At its heart gratitude is recognizing who or what brings positive things, experiences, or feelings into our lives. Our kids benefit when we help them recognize these blessings and be grateful for them. Kids who understand and practice gratitude are less likely to make selfish, unreasonable demands, have higher self-esteem, more positive thoughts and outlook, and are more empathetic. Grateful kids appreciate what they have instead of always looking for what they don't have or want. Parents are key to helping their children develop gratitude. Here are 10 tips to instilling gratitude.

1. Share your blessings. Find a time during your day where you and your child can share what you are thankful for. Some good times to make this part of your routine are family meals or bedtime. 
2. Be grateful for your kids. Tell your kids what it is about them that makes you grateful. Not only will it remind you of the good things about your child, it is a such a great way to build your child's self-esteem. 
3. Limit the amount of "stuff." Moderation is key, whether you are talking about toys or activities or experiences. Too much of anything is just too much. When kids are always getting too much, they don't learn to appreciate what they have and are looking for the next latest and greatest thing. 
4. Have them pitch in. Kids can help pay when they want something new. Our kids are expected to use their allowance to help buy things that they want. We also expect our kids to pitch in with chores around the house. Having kids help out with chores helps them learn to be grateful for the work that others do. 
5. Write thank you notes. Teach your child to write thank you notes when they receive a gift or someone does something nice for them. Even young children can draw a picture to show their thanks. 
6. Model how to say thank you sincerely. Some of the compliments about my children I appreciated receiving the most were from servers in restaurants about how polite they were. My husband and I have always been very intentional about saying thank you and our kids have followed suit.  
7. Encourage generosity. Giving is better than receiving. This can be a tricky thing for young children to learn. Help kids find ways to give back to others. Some easy ideas are helping a neighbor rake leaves or shovel snow, donating toys they no longer play with, or if they receive an allowance donating money to a cause of their choice. Talk about how happy it makes another person to receive their help or toy. This helps feel good about giving. 
8. Model politeness and respect for all. Encourage your kids to respect and be polite to others. The best way for kids to learn this is to see us being polite and respectful. 
9. Use teachable moments.  Teachable moments are unplanned and provide meaningful context to introduce or expand something you want your child to learn. Kids learn better when they experience something in real-life. 
10. Find the silver lining. As I said early it can be easy to bogged down in the negativity with all that is going on in the world today. Now is the perfect time to start looking for the silver-lining. The good things that are happen despite or maybe even because of the hard things happening around us. Refocusing on positive things helps us become more resilient in the face of difficulties. 

So I will end this blog with a challenge. First, make your own Top 10 Things You are Grateful for this Year List and share this list with someone else maybe even your child. What better way to start teaching them gratitude, than sharing what you are grateful for!

Can You Feel the Love?

Cinnamon and sugar toast, the smell of apple pie, sugar cookies, and fried chicken are just a few of the things that invoke the memory of my Grandma Peg. Grandma was always in the kitchen, quick to give hugs and loved to spoil me, my sister and cousins. One of my earliest memories is snuggling up in my grandma's lap and having her rock me. When grandma rocked us she always sang a nonsense song, Bye-O, Bye-O Baby, Bye-O little girl. She would repeat this over and over while stroking our backs until we'd fall asleep or be ready to go play. So why did this simple action create such a strong memory for me? This simple ritual made me feel safe, special and most importantly, loved. It told me, "I Love You" without using those words. It is an example of what we call an I Love You Ritual. 

Being told I Love You is a powerful thing. We are made for connection and knowing that we are loved is one way that we build and strengthen our connections, whether it is with our partner, friends or children. Psychologist, John Gottman, explains that in relationships, connections are built and strengthened when one person reaches out to the other. We reach out to others not just by saying, "I love you," but by inviting someone to join us for a fun activity, dinner or have a conversation about something you enjoy. 

At its heart, an I Love You Ritual, is a way of reaching out to our children to help build connection. My family has had many I Love You Rituals as our children have grown. Each of our children had a special song, one for mom and one for dad, that we would sing to them at bedtime each night. This was such an important I Love You Ritual that my husband, who travels frequently for work, sang our children's songs over the phone from planes, rental cars, restaurants and elevators from all of over the country. While my children have outgrown bedtime songs, I hope those songs and the importance we placed on them is a memory they carry with them into adulthood. 

According to Dr. Becky Bailey, founder of Conscious Discipline, "I Love You Rituals are designed to build bonds between people so that each person feels a sense of connection...This sense of connection creates a biochemistry that optimizes the function of our brain." When we participate in I Love You Rituals, our brains release dopamine. This release wires our children's brains for greater impulse control, builds attention span, and encourages more positive behaviors. 

You might be wondering how you can create I Love You Rituals with your child. Don't worry, it is pretty easy to do. 

Choose a time of day or activity that might lend itself to an I Love You Ritual. You can create I Love You Rituals around any time of day, bedtime, waking up, nap time and mealtime, just to name a few. You can also create them around certain activities, saying goodbye, diaper changes and getting into and out of the car. Diaper changes were one of my favorite times to create connection when my kids were babies. I had a little poem I would say once I had their diaper changed. 

• Round and Round the Garden
  Round and round the garden (Circle your finger around your child's tummy)
  Goes the teddy bear (Continue to circle your finger around your child's tummy)
  One step, two steps (Walk your fingers toward your child's armpit or side)
  Tickle you under there (Tickle your child under their arm or on their side)

Here are some other examples of I Love You Rituals:

• Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
  Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
  What a wonderful child you are!
  With bright eyes and nice round cheeks,
  Talented person from head to feet.
  Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
  What a wonderful child you are!
• A Wonderful Woman
  A wonderful woman lived in a shoe.
  She had so many children
  She knew exactly what to do.
  She held them,
  She rocked them,
  And tucked them in bed.
  “I love you, I love you,”
  Is what she said.
• Choose a Goodbye. Here are some fun sayings you can use to say goodbye to your child. 
  

  
  
  

• Bread and Butter
  Bread and Butter 
  Blackberry Jam
  Say I love you 
  As fast as you can. (Then both you and your child quickly say "I love you."
• Good Morning Greeting

As you can see from these examples, I Love You Rituals are short and sweet. They don't take more than a few minutes of your time. And the upside of doing these with your child is tremendous. Pick one or two of the examples above and start your own I Love You Rituals with your child. 

If 2020 was a....

Or maybe 2020 has felt a little more like this for you. 

Or perhaps this is more what you think of when you hear if 2020 was a....

In all seriousness, I do not want to make light of everything that families have gone through and continue to go through. The past year has been a struggle, whether it has been adjusting to working from home or the loss of a job or having to help kids with distance learning. Families have faced a lot of adversity. In the midst of all of this though, I think keeping our sense of humor is one thing that can help us get through all that we have been facing. I am here to argue that what 2020 really is, is the year of resiliency. 

Resiliency is our ability to recover from stress, adversity, challenges, failure and trauma. Even children have the ability to overcome these negative things if we help them develop it. Kids who are resilient are better able to manage stress. They trust in their abilities and instincts. They are more aware of their limits and are willing to try things outside of their comfort zone. Resilient kids are more likely to achieve long-term goals and be independent problem solvers. 

So how can you support the development of resiliency in your child?

Nurture a caring, supportive relationship with your child. The most important thing that kids need in order to develop resiliency is a relationship with one caring, supportive adult. For a lot of kids this relationship is with their parent(s) but for some they might receive this care and support from a grandparent, aunt/uncle or even a teacher or childcare provider. Whoever it is, this caring and supportive adult acts as a buffer when things are stressful. The adult is there to provide support, help kids understand what they are feeling and experiencing and guide them to problem-solve and work through adversity. 

Allow your child to experience adversity. This is one of the hardest things for the caring and supportive adult to do is to allow the child to experience the adversity. We are often too quick to step in and prevent it from happening or trying to rescue the child from their emotions. I discussed this more in depth in the previous blog about building emotional agility in our children. This agility, the ability to manage and navigate our emotions, even the hard emotions, is vital to developing resiliency. We have to let our children experience frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger while supporting them through those emotions. This can be as simple as being with them, identifying their emotions, and helping them find ways to regulate themselves. 

Embrace the idea of safe as possible. We have to allow our child to experience a reasonable amount of danger. This means taking a step back while watching your child navigates a playground, climbs a tree or try something new for the first time. 

Encourage problem-solving skills in your child. The first step is to help them recognize they have a problem because they can quickly become overwhelmed by it. The next step is to help them think of solutions. Young children may not be able to think of solutions on their own. A great way to build this ability is to offer two possible choices to a problem. For example, if a child is struggling to put their coat on, we might say "Would you like to try the flip trick (Lay the coat on the ground with the collar by their feet. Have them put their arms in the sleeves and flip the coat over their head) or would you like me to help you?" Either of these options would help them solve their problem. We can also help kids brainstorm solutions by asking open ended questions. What could you use to help you....? How could you make your tower more stable? What would happen if you...?

Recognize and embrace mistakes. Mistakes and failure are learning opportunities. One way to do this is to focus on the effort versus the end result. Kids who are encouraged based on their effort are more likely to try harder things than kids who are praised for being smart or their final product. 

Look for the silver lining and be optimistic. Some people are naturally more optimistic but even if you or your child aren't you can practice this. Help your child reframe their negative thoughts by pointing out possible positive outcomes. 

Model being resilient. Remember that kids are always watching us. If we want our kids to be resilient then one of the best ways for them to learn is to see us being resilient. A great way to model this is sharing our self-talk with our kids. "I am so frustrated that we are going to be late. I am going to take some deep breaths to calm myself down." or "We got to see that beautiful sunset since we left the house a little later than expected." or "I need to be on a work call at the same time you need to leave for practice. What could we do to fix this?"

And finally, an important part of resiliency can be asking for help when it is need. Our early learning program is a great resource for parents and families. We offer 1-on-1 parent consultations to answer parenting questions and to offer support. You can request yours here. We also still have space available in some of our classes for parents with children age birth of 5. Find out more by visiting our registration website or calling our ECFE office at 651-425-2701 and our Office Coordinator can help you find the class that is right for you.

 

 

Building Your Child's Emotional Agility

My kids have played and been involved in sports for many years. One thing I've noticed from watching them play, whether it is hockey, baseball, lacrosse, tennis or soccer, is that agility is an important part of the game and is vital to keeping their body's healthy. Agility is our bodies ability to move quickly, switch directions or the positioning of our body when our body is already in motion. This is so important in preventing injuries that agility training is a regular part of practices. You might be wondering what agility has to do with emotions. In much the same way that physical agility helps us navigate and move our bodies, emotional agility helps us recognize and manage our emotions and is linked to emotional intelligence. 

It can be hard for parents to see your child upset, sad, frustrated, etc. We often try to rescue our kids from these emotions by minimizing what they are feeling or distracting them instead of allowing them to work through these hard emotions. 

The ability to navigate through our emotions is skill that is vital to lifelong success. Young children who are taught to manage their emotions "become better problem solvers when faced with an emotional situation." (New York Times, 2016) The benefits of emotional agility reach far beyond the preschool years. Emotional intelligence in teenagers is linked "with an increased ability to cope with stressful situations and greater self-esteem." (New York Times, 2016)

Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, recommends parents help their child navigate through hard emotions by feeling it, showing it, labeling it and watching it go. 

• Feel it means allowing your child to experience all emotions even the hard ones. As I mentioned earlier, parents often try to circumvent children's emotions. Sometimes we do this simply because we don't want our child to feel sad or frustrated. Other times we do this because the emotion our child is experiencing is difficult for us. It triggers a negative response in ourselves. Circle of Security calls this our Shark Music. Our reaction to certain emotions is created by our experiences around these emotions in our own childhoods. In some families, showing certain emotions like anger or sadness might have been discouraged which means that these emotions are harder for you to handle in your child now, so you might try to stop them from feeling it. To learn more check out this great video. When we allow our child to feel it, we validate their experience and teach them that all emotions are ok, even the hard ones. 
• Show it means allowing your child to display all of their emotions. If you are feeling sad it is okay to cry. If you are feeling frustrated it is okay to stomp your foot. This doesn't mean that you allow your child to display their emotion in ways that hurt others or damage things. We can teach our kids appropriate ways to show their emotions. What we shouldn't do is tell them that certain emotions are not okay to show. 
• Label it simply means naming emotions. Young children can often identify happy, sad, mad and scared. However if I asked you to list as many emotions as you can think of you would probably have a pretty long list of words. We have to build our children's emotional vocabulary by labeling emotions. It is just as important to label positive emotions, like happy, excited, joyful, proud, as it is to label negative emotions, such as frustration, sadness, anger, disappointment and jealousy. Labeling it is as simple as saying, "I can see you are really excited. You are jumping up and down." or "I can see you are feeling frustrated." We can also help kids learn to recognize emotions by asking them how other's might be feeling. Recognizing emotions is an important part of building empathy. Ask your child how the characters in books or tv shows are feeling. Talk about what they see that tells them the character is feeling that emotion. 
• Watch it go teaches children that feelings change. Just because you are frustrated doesn't mean you will be frustrated forever. We can help kids understand that feelings pass by talking through our own emotions and what we do to help us manage them. "I am so frustrated I can't find my keys. I am going to take some deep breaths so I can calm down." Watch it go is also helps kids learn that they aren't going to feel the same emotion in similar experiences. When we taught our daughters to ride their bikes without training wheels, they were very scared and nervous. Each time we went out to practice it got a little easier until they no longer felt scared or nervous. Help your child plan what they can do when they feel a certain emotion. This can help them manage this emotion in the future. 

Building emotional agility in our children helps them become more resilient, empathetic and builds their self-esteem. Practice these four practical steps with your child and both of you will be well on your way to being emotionally agile.