Can You Feel the Love?

Cinnamon and sugar toast, the smell of apple pie, sugar cookies, and fried chicken are just a few of the things that invoke the memory of my Grandma Peg. Grandma was always in the kitchen, quick to give hugs and loved to spoil me, my sister and cousins. One of my earliest memories is snuggling up in my grandma's lap and having her rock me. When grandma rocked us she always sang a nonsense song, Bye-O, Bye-O Baby, Bye-O little girl. She would repeat this over and over while stroking our backs until we'd fall asleep or be ready to go play. So why did this simple action create such a strong memory for me? This simple ritual made me feel safe, special and most importantly, loved. It told me, "I Love You" without using those words. It is an example of what we call an I Love You Ritual. 

Being told I Love You is a powerful thing. We are made for connection and knowing that we are loved is one way that we build and strengthen our connections, whether it is with our partner, friends or children. Psychologist, John Gottman, explains that in relationships, connections are built and strengthened when one person reaches out to the other. We reach out to others not just by saying, "I love you," but by inviting someone to join us for a fun activity, dinner or have a conversation about something you enjoy. 

At its heart, an I Love You Ritual, is a way of reaching out to our children to help build connection. My family has had many I Love You Rituals as our children have grown. Each of our children had a special song, one for mom and one for dad, that we would sing to them at bedtime each night. This was such an important I Love You Ritual that my husband, who travels frequently for work, sang our children's songs over the phone from planes, rental cars, restaurants and elevators from all of over the country. While my children have outgrown bedtime songs, I hope those songs and the importance we placed on them is a memory they carry with them into adulthood. 

According to Dr. Becky Bailey, founder of Conscious Discipline, "I Love You Rituals are designed to build bonds between people so that each person feels a sense of connection...This sense of connection creates a biochemistry that optimizes the function of our brain." When we participate in I Love You Rituals, our brains release dopamine. This release wires our children's brains for greater impulse control, builds attention span, and encourages more positive behaviors. 

You might be wondering how you can create I Love You Rituals with your child. Don't worry, it is pretty easy to do. 

Choose a time of day or activity that might lend itself to an I Love You Ritual. You can create I Love You Rituals around any time of day, bedtime, waking up, nap time and mealtime, just to name a few. You can also create them around certain activities, saying goodbye, diaper changes and getting into and out of the car. Diaper changes were one of my favorite times to create connection when my kids were babies. I had a little poem I would say once I had their diaper changed. 

• Round and Round the Garden
  Round and round the garden (Circle your finger around your child's tummy)
  Goes the teddy bear (Continue to circle your finger around your child's tummy)
  One step, two steps (Walk your fingers toward your child's armpit or side)
  Tickle you under there (Tickle your child under their arm or on their side)

Here are some other examples of I Love You Rituals:

• Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
  Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
  What a wonderful child you are!
  With bright eyes and nice round cheeks,
  Talented person from head to feet.
  Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
  What a wonderful child you are!
• A Wonderful Woman
  A wonderful woman lived in a shoe.
  She had so many children
  She knew exactly what to do.
  She held them,
  She rocked them,
  And tucked them in bed.
  “I love you, I love you,”
  Is what she said.
• Choose a Goodbye. Here are some fun sayings you can use to say goodbye to your child. 
  

  
  
  

• Bread and Butter
  Bread and Butter 
  Blackberry Jam
  Say I love you 
  As fast as you can. (Then both you and your child quickly say "I love you."
• Good Morning Greeting

As you can see from these examples, I Love You Rituals are short and sweet. They don't take more than a few minutes of your time. And the upside of doing these with your child is tremendous. Pick one or two of the examples above and start your own I Love You Rituals with your child.