The Power of Choices

It's time to clean up the toys and your child is refusing to help. Your toddler has gotten ahold of a permanent marker. Your preschooler is arguing about going to bed. You are in a hurry to get out the door and your child is refusing to put on their coat. It's snack time and your child doesn't want what you put out for them. Your child is frustrated and throws their toy across the room. I am sure parents everywhere have experienced these types of situations or similar situations. I know I have. I also know that there have been time when I have handled these types of experiences in a way that taught my children important skills and tools. There have also been times when I have tried to force my children to do what I wanted in the that moment, usually leading to more frustration and anger on everyone's part. Guess which was more successful!

Over the next several blog posts, I plan to focus on specific discipline strategies parents can use to help minimize power struggles, frustration, anger and so much more. This week's focus is on how parents can use choices as a discipline tool to teach your child decision making, help build impulse control and limit power struggles.

What does it mean to offer your child choices? It might seem like a rather simple idea but often as parents we go about offering choices in ways that are ineffective or even manipulate our child into doing what we want in the moment. We say things like:

• You need to let that child use the slide or we are going home. 
• Pick up your toys or I am going to give them away. 
• Put on your pajamas or we won't read a book. 

In these examples, we aren't offering true choices. We are offering false choices. We are manipulating our child into doing what we want them to do because one of the choices is actually a punishment. And in the case of the second example, one of the offered choices is something that most parents wouldn't follow through on. Anytime you offer choices, and you can replace one of the choices with the phrase, "or else," you know you are offering false choices. So how do we go about offering true choices to our children?

• Offer two positive choices. Choose two options that give you the outcome you desire but do so without the threat of punishment. For example, "It's bedtime. Do you want a piggyback ride to your bedroom or do you want to hop like a bunny to your room? Which is better for you?" Either of these choices gives me the desired outcome, my child going to their room to get ready for bed. Once we have started getting ready for bed, I can continue to offer choices. "Do you want to wear these pajamas or these pajamas? Do you want to put on your pajama pants first or your shirt first? Do you want to brush your teeth by yourself first or do you want me to brush your teeth first?"
• Consider your child's age and level of development when offering choices. Starting at the age of 15 months children are able to choose between two positive choices. Around the age of four we can start to involve children in deciding what the choice might be. At this age we can start to ask, "What are your choices?" and give the child the opportunity to offer possible choices they could make. For example, your five-year-old has been building with Legos at the table. It is time to set the table for dinner. She doesn't want to take apart her project and put the Legos away. You could ask, "What are you choices?" She might suggest putting the project on the counter or in her bedroom to work on later. 
• It is important to remember that your child has to be in a place where they can make a choice. If they are in the midst of a full-blown tantrum, they are not able to make a choice. We have to help them calm down first so that they are ready to think and learn. 
• Sometimes your child might need help making a choice. If you have offered two positive choices and your child is refusing to choose, you can help them choose. I used to offer my kids two positive choices and repeat those choices 3 times. Then I would say, "You choose, or Mommy will help you choose." At this point if they didn't make a choice, I would choose one of the options for them and we would follow through on that choice. 

When we offer children two positive choices, we empower children. We make them responsible for doing something instead of us being responsible for making them do something. We give them the opportunity to practice decision making skills. This helps them learn how to make choices throughout their life instead of reacting impulsively to what is happening around them. It is important to give young children lots of practice making choices when they are young, so that when they are older and faced with more difficult decisions, they have the ability to think through their choices and choose the best option.