How to Talk to Kids about Race and Racism

A little over a week ago the greater Twin Cities witnessed a horrific act of violence that has shaken our community and country. As a parent I am left wondering what can I do, how do I support my children through this and more importantly how do I help create a better tomorrow for all children?

First and foremost, we need to talk about it. Talk about what happened to George Floyd, why people are protesting and even why people are rioting. At my house this conversation with my teenaged children has centered around our privilege. The privilege I have as a white middle class mother to not have to worry about my children the same way mothers and fathers of children of color do. This conversation is happening within our family but we are also encouraging our children to have these conversations with friends. My daughters were both shaken when a classmate of theirs posted in social media how he never leaves home without telling his mom he loves her because it might be the last time he gets to do it. This is the reality for so many children and so many parents.

If we talk about these things with our children from a young age we will do better. We can help our children become the a powerful force for change in this world. What these conversations look like for your family will depend on many things. And having these conversations can be hard. As parents, we don't always know what to say or how to say it. I want to share some tips for how to have conversations about race depending on your children's ages and stages of development.

Your child is never too young or too old to begin having conversations about race. Babies as young as 6 months start to notice race. In fact, they can actually show racial bias at this young age. As kids learn and grow somewhere along the way, they pick up messages about race. This is just one reason why we cannot be silent about race. It is in the silence that confusion and stereotypes flourish and grow.

So what do we say to children about race? One answer is to state facts. It is okay to notice physical differences including things like skin color in the same way we notice other physical differences like hair color, eye color, etc. We can explain to children that the color of a person's skin is determined by how much melanin people have. It is important to point out that we all have melanin, some people just have more. If your child has questions about physical differences between people answer them. 

Kids are naturally curious. Encourage this curiosity. Explore other cultures with your child through books, movies and events. Talk about the experiences with your child afterwards. Don't worry about being an expert. Just answer honestly. It is okay to say you don't know the answer but then seek it out to share with your child. Click here for a list of children's books that can help you explore the topic of race, racism and resistances. 

Pay attention to yourself. We all the know the old saying, "Do as I say, not as I do", doesn't ring true. Our children are watching us. What we say and do models both acceptance and bias of racial differences. Don't be afraid to admit your own racial biases. A good way to start doing this is recognizing your initial reaction to people of a certain race, checking it and rethinking it. 

Be proactive. You can and should start the conversation about race with your child but allow your child to guide it. Kids are good at determining how much information they can take in at time. Answer your child's questions with small amounts of information and allow them to ask follow up questions. When they have enough information, they will stop asking until they are ready for more.  

Remember this is marathon not a sprint. This is a conversation that you will continue to have with your child throughout their childhood. 

I also want to provide a few helpful for resources you can use to help your child process the violence that has been happening throughout our community. Even if your child hasn't witnessed this first hand they may have seen something on tv or overheard a conversation that has left them feeling scared and full of questions. The following resources have great information for helping your child process this trauma.

Racism and Violence: Using Your Power as a Parent to Support Children Aged 2 to 5

What to Say to Kids When the News is Scary

Something Happened in Our Town

The Be Careful Trap

Let me know if this sounds familiar. Your child is climbing high on the playground or maybe riding their trike fast down a hill or any number of other things that leaves you with that sense of dread that what they are doing is dangerous. If you are anything like me, your natural reaction is probably to say, "Be Careful!" This is a normal reaction. After all, it is our job to keep our kids safe. That being said, it is our kids' job to explore and part of that exploration should be engaging in risky play. 

Risky play gives kids a chance to experiment and push themselves despite not knowing what might happen. Play that is too safe can become boring for kids. The element of risk allows kids to test themselves and see what they are comfortable with. 

Beyond that, risky play has been shown to provide many benefits to kids. It helps build self-confidence, resilience, executive function skills and risk management skills. Kids actually get better at measuring how dangerous something is by engaging in risky play. The risk of injury is actually lower for kids who participate in risky play. 

There are six types of risky play that we should allow our children to participate in. 

1. Play at great heights. What does this look like? For a lot of kids this may include climb on monkey bars or up the tallest slide or sliding down the fireman's pole at the playground. Jumping from a high place or climbing trees are also great examples of this type of risky play. Kids get the sensation of losing control and there is the possibility of falling. 
   
2. Play at high speed. Kids engaged in this type of play might ride their bike or trike too fast. They might run as fast as they can down a hill. Swinging fast or enjoying a zip line are other ways of playing at high speeds. Kids experience the risk of crashing into something or someone or falling down. 
3. Playing with dangerous tools. Last summer I was at my best friends house and I watched her kids ages 4 to 10 all play with a piece of wood, hammers and nails. They spent hours hammering nails into a piece of wood. Was there a risk to this? Of course, the kids could have hammered their thumbs or poked themselves with a nail but that didn't stop them from finding endless enjoyment. Using tools is something that kids love and unfortunately they don't get many opportunities to do this. Kids need to concentrate on using the tools to help lessen the risk. 
4. Play near dangerous elements. This type of risky play is probably the hardest for parents to allow. It is easy to see how allowing your child to climb on cliffs or play near water or fire could lead to serious injury. That being said this type of risky play is still vital to children learning how to assess, manage and mitigate risk. 
   
5. Rough and tumble play allows kids the opportunity to distinguish between pretend fight and real fighting. They learn how to manage their strength so as not to hurt another person. Kids might wrestle, sword fight with sticks or pretend to fight one another. 
6. Play where children can disappear or get lost. Kids exploring an unknown area or space with the risk of getting lost. Kids have to focus on finding landmarks to help them find their way in this type of exploration. 
   

Now if you are like me, you probably read through that list of risky play activities and cringed just thinking about your child participating in some of them. If your gut reaction was to say, "No Way!!", that's okay. I am not about to suggest that you allow your toddler to go play by a stream or your preschooler to climb up a tree or your elementary aged child build a fire without your supervision. What I am suggesting is that we as parents find ways to supervise, tolerate and encourage risky play within boundaries. 

So how do we as parents take a step back and allow our children to engage in risky play?

1. Safe as necessary vs. safe as possible. Parents should step in when situations are truly dangerous and allow their child to explore when the level of risk is acceptable. You wouldn't want your child to play on broken playground equipment as that could pose a serious risk. However, allowing your child to balance and walk across a fallen tree is a risk that is manageable for you and your child. 
2. Provide guidance. This might include offering advise like, "Use your strong hands to hold on." or "Do you want to jump by yourself or holding my hand?" This where it is important to avoid saying "Be careful." Offer concrete advise that helps your child navigate the risk. 
3. Keep your own fears from getting in the way. As parents we have a lot of fears, ranging from our kids getting hurt to being kidnapped. These fears as well as other everyday kind of fears like the fear of heights that can get in the way of our children enjoying and benefiting from risky play. As parents we need to managed these fears and recognize that the likelihood of our children being kidnapped or injured is relatively low and we can help mitigate these by teaching them personal safety skills. 
4. Breathe and count to 20. As you watch your child engage in risky play and you get that gut twisting sense of danger, take a breath and count to 20. Allow the situation to unfold and how your child is reacting to it. Kids will often find their own way to limit the danger in a situation without us intervening. 
5. Provide time and space for play. Let's face it. Families are busy. There is school, homework, work and extracurriculars that pack our schedules. Be sure to allow for unstructured time in both yours and your child's schedule. Right now with a lot of scheduled activities on hold, it is the perfect time to get outside and explore without a specific purpose and allow your child to engage in some risky play. 
6. Provide access to loose parts. I mentioned earlier that my friend's kids spent hours pounding nails into a piece of wood. They created this opportunity for their kids by giving each child their own tool box with a small hammer and few other tools, a bucket of old nails and a piece of wood. The kids knew where these items were and set about playing with them all on their own. What sort of loose parts do you have around that your child could enjoy?

So put aside your worry and fear and enjoy some risky play with your child!

Following Your Child's Lead

One of the great things about Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) is the dedicated time set aside for parents to spend time participating in fun activities with their child. Parent-child interaction time typically allows parents to spend time one-on-one with their child participating in age appropriate activities. Parents and kids love this time together whether they spend it making art projects, playing in the sensory bin, in the play kitchen or so many more activities. One of the tenets of this time is that parents are encouraged to follow their child's lead. So what exactly does this mean? Why is this important? And what does it look like to follow your child's lead?

Simply put, following your child's lead means giving your child the opportunity to lead the interaction whether this through conversation or play. The child chooses what they want to do and the parent joins in the activity the child is doing. It isn't uncommon for children to play with the same toy or activity each time they come to ECFE. Maybe you have noticed that your child likes to play with their trains or dolls or building blocks most of the time at home. This is okay. They aren't missing out by spending their time focused on one activity. The way to make these activities richer for your child is to join in and follow their lead.

Following your child's lead allows you to provide language through the questions and interactions that you have with your child. We can encourage our kids to think more deeply by asking questions and simply talking about what our child is doing. Here are some additional benefits to following your child's lead:

• Children are given an opportunity to build their curiosity when they get to lead. They get to explore how they see fit instead of in a prescribed manner. Parents are given the opportunity to learn about their child's thinking when they follow their child. 
• When children lead, they explore in ways that are meaningful to them. Parent can enrich this exploration by adding words and concepts to their exploration. 
• Leading gives children a chance to practice decision making. They get to decide what to do with a given activity. Parents can encourage turn taking when following their child's lead. 
• Children choose to include or not include our ideas when we follow their lead. Parents are given the opportunity to listen to their child. 
• Children need to communicate more when they are leading. Following your child's lead allows you to learn about your child's interests and have fun together!

One easy way to follow your child's lead is to practice being an OWL. 

Observe your child. Notice what toys, activities and people draw your child's attention. Notice if your child spends more time or works hard at certain activities. Find ways to allow your child to engage in the activities they find most exciting and enjoy the most. Then join in those activities with your child. 

Watch for your child to get interested in an activity. Waiting can be hard but allow your child time to engage or explore before you show them how to do it. Also notice how your child explores. They might use a toy in a new way instead how we might think they should use it. 

Listen to your child through their words and actions. Respond to what your child is doing by copying them or talking about what they are doing or asking questions. Get down at their level to encourage interaction. When your child initiates interaction with you, respond to what they say or do. Stay on topic. 

Following your child's lead is not only beneficial to you and your child, it is fun too! If you would like to learn more about following your child's lead, check out our virtual parent discussion groups here. Discussion groups meet on various days and times. Choose the one that works best for you. 

Fun At Home

If you are anything like me and my kids you are probably getting a little stir-crazy being home so much. In an attempt to help stave off the craziness, I am sharing easy activities you can do at home with your child. I tried to choose activities that use items you most likely have at home. Pick one or try them all with your child. Enjoy!

Fun with Tape

• Create an obstacle course using painter's tape on your floor. Some ideas to include are different shapes for your child to jump on and lines for them to walk on. You can even have them go under and over furniture. 

• Using masking tape or painter's tape create a roadway for your child to drive cars around. 

• Tape smaller toys like cars, animals or blocks to a cookie sheet or tray. Have your child free the objects by peeling the tape up and off each one. This is a great fine motor activity for building strong fingers. 
• Tape across a piece of paper or canvas. Have your child cover the paper with paint, markers or crayons. Then peel off the tape. 

• For even more fun tape ideas check out over 40 painters tape game and activities here.

Fun with Water

• Play the sink or float game with your child. Collect a variety of objects. Be sure to have some that will sink and some that will float. Fill a clear tub with water or play this in the bathtub or kitchen sink. Take turns choosing an object and putting it in the water. Does it sink or float? For older children ask them to make a prediction before they put it in the water. Once they have done this a few times ask them what they notice about the objects that float or sink. 
• Freeze some small toys (cars or animals) in a container of water. Once it is frozen place the block of ice on a tray, in your sink or tub and give your child a squeeze bottle, eye droppers, or spray bottle filled with warm water. Let them have fun melting the ice to get to the toys. 
• Paint outside on the sidewalk or driveway with water. Let your children create pictures and watch them disappear. 
• Make a car wash station. Fill a container with soapy water. Let your child wash toy cars or other toys using q-tips, sponges, paint brushes or toothbrushes. 
• Make homemade bubbles. Click here for several different recipes for homemade bubbles. There are lots of different items that can be used as bubble wands including, toilet/paper towel roll tubes, plastic straws, metal canning lids, cookie cutters, pipe cleaners (twisted into the shape of a wand) and plastic bottles with the bottom cut off.

Fun with Books

• Have your child read a familiar story to you. This is a beginning step to literacy. 
• Make paper plate mask of your favorite characters and retell the story together or create your own story. 
• Look at pictures of your family together. Ask your child to find certain people. Talk about each person with your child.
• Join the Washington County Library for their Storytime on the Go.
• Read, Read, Read! Enjoy lots of books with your child.

Fun with Music/Songs

• Turn on your favorite song and have a dance party with your child.
• Sing familiar songs like Twinkle, Twinkle, Mr. Sun, The Wheels on the Bus, The Itsy Bitsy Spider & Roly Poly. 
• Do the Freeze Song, Shake Your Sillies Out or Baby Shark. 
• Make homemade shakers using small plastic containers filled with rice, dry beans, dry pasta or beads. 

Fun Outside

• Go on a nature scavenger hunt. 

• Decorate your driveway and sidewalks with chalk. Maybe write an encouraging message for those who will be walking in your neighborhood. 
• Use chalk and make an outdoor obstacle course. 
  

Put on Your Oxygen Mask First!

Anyone who has traveled on the a plane has heard the safety spiel about putting on their oxygen mask first before they help others. This true for so much more of life than just the oxygen masks on airplanes. We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. This is especially hard for parents. We have little, or not so little, people depending on us. Needing us for so many things. Especially right now, when parents are not only trying to work, but have to parent and help their children with school, all from home while being isolated from friends and family, it is even more important that we practice self-care.

First things first, set aside your guilt. You know what I am talking about. That little voice that tells you that you need to do the laundry or clean the kitchen or that your kids can't see their friends and family right now so they need your undivided attention. While all of those things might be true, you also need to take care of yourself. Otherwise all of those things will overwhelm you making it hard for you to take care of anyone or anything.

Make it a routine. Set aside some time each day, or at the very least at each week, to do something for yourself. Maybe even go so far as to schedule it on your calendar.

For a lot of us spending time with our friends and extended families is something that we are missing right now. Utilize technology, like Zoom or Skype, to connect with people. This past weekend my best friends and I had a virtual happy hour using Zoom. We each gathered up a snack, found a quietish spot (3 of us are moms so you know how that goes) and enjoyed chatting and laughing together. We have already scheduled another Happy Hour for this coming Saturday.

Prioritize your relationship with your parenting partner. Set up regular date nights. This doesn't have to be something that involves getting a babysitter or going out. My husband and I had weekly date nights at home after our kids were in bed when they were young. We would play a board or card game, make a special dinner or dessert, or just sit and visit.

Practice gratitude on a daily basis. Research shows that practicing gratitude can help reduce anxiety. During this time when our lives are drastically changed, it can be easy to lose sight of the good. Remind yourself by making a gratitude list. Here's my list for today: I am grateful for the nice weather we have been having. I am grateful for my house where we are safe. I am grateful for all the essential workers who are still working to help take care of all of us.

Enjoy some time outside. Yesterday, my family of five plus our two dogs ventured out on a walk through our neighborhood. We enjoyed the sunshine, fresh air and signs of early spring that we encountered. I enjoyed sunshine so much I dug out a lawn chair when we got home and sat in my front lawn in the sun reading my book. Here's the deal about getting outside, not only can it be enjoyable, research shows that it is good for our mental health.

Find things that fill you up and make you happy. This will different for all of us. Maybe you need to set aside time to exercise on a regular basis, read a book or magazine, take a long bath, find something that makes you laugh, meditate, or pick up a hobby that you used to do pre-kids. Whatever it is, find something you enjoy and make time to do it.

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes things can be too much and we just need a little help to take care of ourselves. The district has mental health resources available here.

Helping Your Child Navigate Anxiety

The past week has been hard. Our world has changed a lot in a short amount of time. Maybe you are figuring out how to work from home or what you are going to do if you are off of work during this crisis. We know that all of the changes that are happening are stressful for everyone. Most of us are probably experiencing some anxiety. This anxiety isn't exclusive to just parents either. Kids are feeling it too. Even young children who may not know anything about the Covid-19 virus have had their daily routines disrupted. Maybe they are use to regular playdates or visits with grandparents or going to preschool and are not able to do these things right now. Maybe they have heard a little about the virus and are worried about people they love getting sick. Whatever it is your kids may be feeling anxious about what is going on in their world. So let's take a look at ways we can help our children!

Anxiety often shows up as other behaviors in children (and probably adults too!) Here are 8 ways that children can show anxiety:

1. Anger-Anytime we have the perception of danger or stress it triggers our fight, flight or freeze response. Kids might not know how to communicate what they are feeling so they are left feeling angry. 
2. Difficulty sleeping-Kids may start having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. This is a hallmark sign of anxiety.
3. Defiance-Kids often feel anxiety when things feel out of control. It is easy to see their attempts to regain control when they are feeling anxious as defiant behavior. 
4. Chandeliering-Kids who have been holding in their anxiety and worries for so long might lose it and fly of the handle for no apparent reason. Something small or simple is enough to set them off. 
5. Lack of focus-Kids experiencing anxiety might be caught up in their own thoughts and have trouble paying attention.
6. Avoidance-Kids may avoid activities, places or people who cause them to feel anxiety. However this doesn't usually lead to them experiencing less anxiety. 
7. Negativity-Anxiety leads to more negative thoughts than positive thoughts. 
8. Overplanning-Kids may try to regain control over situations that cause them anxiety by overplanning even when minimal planning is necessary. 

Now let's explore some ways to help your child navigate anxiety. 

1. Manage your own anxiety first. Kids can often sense when people around them are experiencing anxiety and this can lead to them experiencing anxiety too. So take care of yourself first. Talk with a friend, exercise, get outside, practice mindfulness. Find what helps you manage your anxiety and do it!
2. It's not about stopping your child's anxiety, it's about helping your child manage it instead. Anxiety, in and of its self, isn't a bad thing. Not being able to manage anxiety is what makes anxiety bad. We want our kids to learn how to manage anxiety so that over time it diminishes.
3. Don't dismiss their feelings. Instead work on validating their feelings. Listen and be empathetic about your child's feelings. The goals is send the message that how they feel is okay and you are there to help them . 
4. Don't ask leading questions. Ask your child open ended questions instead. You might ask, "How do you feel about not going to preschool?" instead of "Are you sad that you can't go to school?"
5. Work on problem-solving with your child. Maybe your child is use to frequent visits with their grandparents and is sad and anxious about not getting to see them. Ask your child for ideas for how they could stay close to their grandparents. Maybe they could send them pictures that they draw, do a video chat or phone call. 
6. Practice mindfulness with your child. Teach your child breathing techniques that they can use to help them feel calm. One easy technique to teach is Smell the Flower, Blow out the Candle. Hold up 5 fingers. Ask your child to smell the flower, then blow out the candle. When they blow lower one finger. Repeat until all five fingers are down. It is important to practice this when your child is calm so they learn that it will make them feel calm. Also, practice blowing out slowly. You want to your child to exhale for longer than they inhale. 
7. Get outside and enjoy nature. Studies have shown that spending time in nature reduces stress. So go for a walk, explore your backyard, or try a scavenger hunt.
8. Do something to help others. Draw pictures and send them to residents at a nursing home. 

All of us at South Washington County Early Learning know that this has past week has been hard and stressful for families. Hopefully you will be able to use some of these tips to help not only your child but yourself as well. And know that we are working hard to find ways to stay connected with families in our program. 

The Lessons I've Learned

Parenthood has taught me a lot of lessons. Sixteen years of parenting my middle daughter has taught me the most about myself. That's right, somehow my second baby is already 16! This has really got me thinking about what it has been like to be her mom. One thing I can tell you for sure is that I haven't done everything right, but I know I have learned, grown and improved through being her mom, not just as a parent but as a person too. So in honor of my baby girl's sixteen years, I thought I would share a few of the lessons I have learned.

• Temperament really does matter. This should really not be earth shattering since temperament is the building block of our personalities. However, I never realized quite how much my temperament shaped my approach to the world until I had a kid with a similar temperament. One would think this similarity would make parenting her easier. Nope! Not a chance! What it did do was show me some things about myself, like the fact that I have a high intensity of reaction. I am typically a pretty even keeled person but I tend to have strong reactions to things. My daughter is much the same way. As a toddler, she was the sweetest, most loving, kindest kid until she wasn't. There was no middle ground. This lead to some epic battles of will between us. Recognizing that her intense reactions to things was simply part of her temperament and not something I could change, allowed me to help her navigate and regulate her reactions to things. Realizing that my reaction to her intensity was also intense helped me figure out how to regulate myself before I tried to parent her. 

• Being Hangry is a real thing. Seriously, this girl could have some epic meltdowns. Nothing her dad or I did could stop them from happening. Until one day one of us, in a moment of desperation, gave her some juice. She drank the juice and calmed down almost instantly. She simply had been too busy playing to notice she was getting hungry. We had to teach her to pay closer attention to her body so she could tell us she was hungry to prevent the meltdowns instead of trying to stop them once they started. So the next time your child is having a meltdown, Stay Calm and H.A.L.T. Ask yourself, is my child hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Meeting those needs may the quickest way to calm their storm.

• A sense of humor makes your life so much more fun. My daughter was born with a natural sense of comedic timing. She has always been able to lighten the mood by doing something goofy and a little off the wall. It helps to remind me not to take things too seriously. 

• Be who you are. Find your passion and own it. My daughter has found her passion and ran with it. She started asking to play hockey from a pretty young age. Her dad and I tried to convince her to try something else. We even went so far as to sign her up for speed skating. She did one practice, got off the ice and said, "Where's the puck? Can I play hockey now?" So, needless to say, this happened:

Of course, playing hockey wasn't enough--she had to become a goalie. And now 10 years later she still plays and is hoping to play at the collegiate level.

Here's the thing, she loves this sport so much that she inspired me to try it too. I have now been playing for 7 years, the last 3 as a goalie.

• We have to love our kids through the hard stuff, the big emotions, the meltdowns, etc. What I mean by this is not that we don't love our kids when they are going through these tough times but that we have to use love to help them get through it. I tried for longer than I care to admit to control, stop or change my daughter's feelings. I would try to convince her that whatever she was upset about wasn't a big deal. It wasn't that I didn't care about her feelings. I wanted to stop the behavior that came with the feelings. I wanted to fix it and make it better. I learned I need to let her have her emotions and be there to help her feel safe and loved. I couldn't teach her how to handle and communicate her feelings in an appropriate way until she felt loved and safe. I know now that the best thing for me to do when she is upset is to let her know I am there for her and when she is ready I will listen. The great thing about this is that she often comes to the realization that what she is upset about isn't that big of a deal and she can handle it without me trying to force her there. 

Parenting is a lot about teaching our kids. The thing is that while we are teaching them they are also teaching us. Take some time and think about the lessons you have already learned from your children. Before you know it you will be looking back on 16 years and be amazed at all that you have learned. So to this amazing kid, I say thank you for all the lessons you have taught me!