Is Your Child a Thinker or a Feeler?

I am a mom to 19, 17 and 14 year-olds. I have been doing this mom gig for a while now. One of the things I learned early on as a parent of multiple children is that what works for one child doesn't always work for another child. This is especially true for my kids in how they deal with their emotions. I have kids who are feelers and I have a kid who is a thinker. You might be wondering what it means to have a feeler and a thinker. I think that best way to explain this is tell a couple of stories about my kids. 

My oldest daughter developed a love for the sport of gymnastics from her very first mommy and me gymnastics class when she was 2 years old. She continued participating in gymnastics for many, many years. She worked hard and put in a lot of time and effort into making the team at her gymnastics center. All this hard work brought a lot of joy and fun but also lots of injuries. She repeatedly hurt her wrist and reached a point where she was no longer able to continue participating in gymnastics. This was a very difficult decision for us to make. She loved gymnastics. Her friends were at gymnastics. It was a major part of her life. When she walked out of the gym the night of her last practice, I wrapped her up in my arms and let her cry. I told her it was ok to be sad. We just felt those big emotions and focused on how she was feeling for a couple of weeks. It was only after we let her have her feelings that we were able to talk about what she wanted to do next. She decided to join the soccer and softball team. If we had tried to talk to her right away about other sports she could play to try and fix this problem for her, she wouldn't have been able to talk about it or even consider trying a new sport. 

So, let's compare that story to a story about my middle daughter. She started playing hockey when she was seven. She had begged to play hockey for at least a year before we relented and agreed to let her give it a try. After one season of hockey, she was hooked. Not only was she hooked, but she decided she wanted to be a goalie. She continued to play other sports, but hockey became her main sport. She played year-round on different teams and attended various camps. Flash forward several years and my daughter's hockey team was playing in the end of the season tournament. This game was a must win game. The team who won got to go on to the regional tournament. The losing team ended their season. The game was a very close game, so close that it went into 3 overtime periods. My daughter had an amazing game. She had over 50 saves and only gave up 3 goals. Unfortunately, the third goal was the goal that ended the game and her team's season. I knew she would be very upset with herself for giving up the final goal despite how great she played. When she came out of the locker room, I told her good game and we quietly walked out of the arena to the car. I reached around her to unlock the car and she thought I was trying to hug her. She snapped at me, "Don't Touch Me!!" I explained that I was just unlocking the car not trying to hug her. Once we were in the car, I told her to let me know if she wanted to talk about the game. We rode home in silence until we were about to turn into our neighborhood. At this point she quietly said how mad she was that they lost the game. This was my green light to tell her that it was okay to be mad and disappointed that they lost. I also knew that I could now point out how good of a game she played, and it wasn't her fault that they lost. If I tried to tell her these things right away, she would have just gotten even more mad!

I'm sure at this point you can see the difference between how my daughters handle their emotions but who is the thinker and who is feeler? My oldest daughter is a feeler. My middle daughter is a thinker. If I am being totally honest, it took me longer than I like to admit to realize I had to approach emotions with my daughters in different ways. While I eventually learned I had to help my daughters process their emotions differently, I have only recently heard the terms feeler and thinker. Author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, explained this concept as well as some great tips for helping feelers and thinkers. 

Follow these steps if your child is in the feeling mode:

• Focus on the feelings. Listen to your child's feelings. Label them and validate them. 
• Let your child feel their feelings by giving them time to feel sad or mad or frustrated, etc. 
• Check in with your child to see if they are ready to problem solve. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one.
• Problem solve when your feeler is ready. Feelers are only ready to problem solve if they have been given an opportunity to feel.

Follow these steps if your child is in the thinking mode:

• Focus on the facts. Say what has happened. 
• Give your child a voice. Let them tell you about what they think or what occurred. 
• Come up with several ideas for solutions and then pick one. 
• Then talk about the emotions your child was feeling.

It can be hard to tell when your child is young if they are a feeler or a thinker. Honestly, it may change from day to day or situation to situation. A good way to determine which mode your child is in is to offer a hug. A feeler will accept the hug and you can focus on the feelings before moving into problem solving. A thinker will probably reject the hug. At this point switch the focus from feelings to facts before moving onto problem solving and labeling emotions. Just remember that the ultimate goal is to help your child identify and manage emotions so they can problem-solve.