Connect Before You Correct

This is the second blog in a series focusing on discipline. In part one, Discipline Defined, I defined discipline as teaching and explored the differences between discipline as teaching and punishment. You can find part one by scrolling down to it. Now it is time to focus on how we go about using discipline to teaching. 

It is important to consider that if discipline is teaching, we have to make sure that our child is ready to learn. Let's take a look at our brains, both children and adults. We can divide our brains into an upstairs and a downstairs brain. Our upstairs brain contains the more advanced brain functions. This where we think, remember, make decisions, regulate ourselves and more. The downstairs brain is the more primitive part of our brain. This part is responsible for regular body functions and overall safety.  

Which part of the brain do you think we need to be in to be ready to learn? If you answered with the Upstairs Brain, you are correct! We must feel safe and loved in order for us to be in our upstairs brain. This true for children and adults. The best way to help our children feel safe and loved is by building connection. We can build connection by labeling our child's emotions, empathizing with them when things don't go their way, and even offering a hug. When your child feels connected or heard, they are more willing to accept responsibility for their actions and problem solve. Let's take a look at how connection works by looking at a scenario from two different approaches.

Your child is playing with a friend and reaches over and takes the toy that their friend was playing with. How do you respond? One option might be to say, "That's not nice. Give that back. You need to come over here for a time out." Or you could say, "It looks like you want a turn with the toy. It is hard to wait for your turn. Do you want me to push you on the swings or play in the sandbox while you wait?"

Which of these two approaches builds connection? Which offers empathy and lets your child know that you understand how they feel? If you chose the second option, you are correct. 

When we respond with love and connection, our child is more likely to be able to problem-solve, reflect and take responsibility for their actions. Children who are disconnected or punished often respond with anger or placing the blame on other people. 

Once you have established a connection you are ready to teach your child what you want them to do instead. To learn more about how to use consequences, choices and much more to help teach your child tune in for part 3 of our discipline blog series.