Let's Talk About Guilt

Let's talk about guilt. Specifically, let's talk about mommy and daddy guilt. I have lost count of the number of things I have felt guilty about in my 16 years of motherhood. There was the time I fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon and missed picking my girls up from school. Never mind, that I had been up all night with their sick little brother. I still felt like the worst mom ever when I got to the school and saw the tears on my middle daughter’s face. Or there was the time I accidentally caught my daughter's leg in the sliding door of the van. OOPS! She escaped with a just a bruise, but I still beat myself up for days. Of course, it didn't help that every time we got in the van she would remind me not to shut the door too soon! 

As parents we are our toughest critics. We think about all the things we should have, would have, could have done and feel guilty. This guilt can lead us to doubt ourselves as parents. I'm not saying that all guilt is bad. Feeling guilty for losing my temper with my kids has led me to apologize and try really hard to find ways to remain calm during other tough interactions. 

I recently read an article, 5 Ways to Cope when Mom Guilt is Getting the Best of You, by Taylor Pittman. She highlights the causes of and ways to shut down parental guilt. As I was reading the article, I could think of times in my life where I have experienced guilt in each of these areas. 

Taking care of yourself is taking care of your family.

Recently, my husband and I had the opportunity to go out for a rare date night. My son is not a fan of us going out at night and being babysat by his sisters. He especially has a hard time going to bed when at least one of us isn't home with him. Despite being excited about a night out with my husband, I also was dreading the inevitable tearful phone call asking when we would be home because every time I feel guilty that I am not home to handle bedtime. When this type of guilt arises, I just have to remember that spending time with my husband makes me happy and refreshes me. I am a better mom when I take care of myself and my relationship with my husband. 

Missing out on milestones or other kid events does not make you a bad parent.

I have 3 kids and husband who travels for work. It is impossible for me to make it to all my kids' events. And despite knowing this, I still feel guilty for missing out on seeing my kids' events. It is even worse for my husband who misses out due to work. He tries very hard to be present and engaged with the kids and their activities when he is home. Parents miss out on kid activities and even milestones because parenthood is only part of who we are. We might have work, other children, family and variety of other responsibilities. The key to lessening these feelings of guilt is to be present and delight in your children when you are with them. In other words, enjoy the activities and milestones you do get to experience with your child. 

The perfect parent is a myth.

There are a lot of messages parents receive about what they should be doing as parents. Limit screen time, only healthy foods and snacks, educational opportunities, reading daily, just to name a few. But let's get real, maintaining all of these high and lofty goals 100% of the time would be exhausting and certainly guilt inducing when we aren't able to maintain perfection. This where the 80/20 rule comes in handy. Throw out perfection and embrace the idea of being good enough because that is all your child needs you to be. 

Social media is not reality. 

Anyone who has ever attempted to take a family picture with young children can tell you that for every decent shot you take there are probably 10 where someone is crying, not looking at the camera, not smiling or even better, intentionally making a goofy face. Yet, those aren’t the pictures we share. Parents need to put on reality goggles when on social media. Remember that the perfect lives we see in other's posts  are not reality. There were probably tears, and maybe even some yelling before "perfection" was captured. Even better, let's get real about what we share on social media. Share the not so perfect story and pictures that truly capture what real-life is all about. 

It's okay to make mistakes.

Parenting is hard. There are going to be times when you don't make the right decision or lose your cool. I have stopped feeling guilty for messing up as a mom. Instead, I choose to see those moments as an opportunity to show my kids that no one is perfect. That it is okay to make mistakes. What matters in life is how we handle those mistakes and learn from them that make us better people. 

Join me in making parenting a No Guilt Zone. Let go of the things that you have been feeling guilty about. Be present with your children. Delight in them. Take time for you. And remember that your child just needs you to be good enough!