The Expectation Gap

One of my kids' favorite pastimes, when they were toddlers, was to take every single book off of our bookshelves. They would stand at the bookshelf, pulling the books off one by one while shaking their head and saying "No, No, No!"

My kids definitely knew they weren't supposed to do this so why did they always do it? I had obviously told them NO many times! Were they being naughty? Did they just want to drive me crazy? The answer to these questions was a resounding No!

In a recent survey of parents, Zero to Three found that the majority of parents' beliefs about their child's ability for self-control is overestimated. Some of the findings of the survey include:

• 56% of parents believe children have the ability to resist doing something that is forbidden before the age of three and 36% believe that children under that age of two have this kind of self-control. Brain research shows that these skills start developing between three and a half and four years and takes many more years to be used consistently.
• 43% of parents think children can share and take turns with other children before age two. This skill only develops between 3 to 4 years of age. 
• 24% of all parents believe that children are able to control their emotions, such as not having a tantrum when frustrated, at one year or younger, while 42% believe children have this ability by two years. Research shows this type of self-control is also just starting to develop between three and four years of age. (www.livingandloving.co.za)

This expectation gap explains why so many parents are frustrated by behavior that is actually developmentally appropriate. One of our goals in South Washington County ECFE is to provide parents with information about typical development so they can adjust their expectations of their child's behavior.

For me, this meant honoring my children's impulse to remove the books from the book shelf but limiting the mess this created. I moved most of the books up to higher shelves and left behind a handful of board books so they could empty the shelf to their heart's content.