Why Do They Act Like That?

Several years ago my husband and I took our three kids, who at the time were 11, 8 and 6, to the MN Science Museum to celebrate our eldest's birthday. It was one of those perfect family outings. No one complained. The kids took turns trying out all the hands-on exhibits. And most importantly they didn't bicker or pick on one another at all. If only this blissful outing could have lasted!

When it was time to leave, we piled into our van and, as the doors shut, my son let out three big burps. They were the kind of burps 6-year-old boys pride themselves on and find hysterical. Not everyone in the car was nearly as delighted with the burps as he was. As I turned around to tell him to say "excuse me," I saw my 8-year-old daughter lean over and deliver three quick punches to his arm while screaming "THAT'S DISGUSTING!" So what did I do? How did I respond? I took a deep breath. Turned to her and tried to make a connection by saying "I know it really upsets you when..."---Oh wait---That is what I should have done. Instead I am pretty sure I yelled so loudly that all of downtown St. Paul heard me: "What were you thinking? Why would you do that?" All of this and more came out of my mouth in a fury. Once we all managed to calm down, the overriding thought I kept having was, "Why does she act like that?"

The answer to this burning question that most parents at some point will ask is the brain. In No Drama Discipline:The Whole Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain that we have an Upstairs Brain (the prefrontal cortex) and the Downstairs Brain (limbic and brainstem.) The Upstairs Brain contains the more advanced brain functions, e.g., problem-solving and self-regulation. The Downstairs Brain is more primitive and is responsible for regular functioning, emotional response and safety.

So which part of her brain, upstairs or downstairs, was my daughter in when she lost her mind over her brother's burps? She was most certainly in her downstairs brain. She was having a fight, flight or flee response to what she perceived as a threat. You might be thinking how can a burp possibly make her feel threatened. She is temperamentally sensitive to sounds and smells and can have a strong physical response to these. Combine her brother burping with her being tired and hungry and we had the perfect storm for her to feel threatened.


A child in their downstairs brain is not capable of learning, being reasoned with or even explaining why they acted the way they did. Their only concern is with either feeling safe or connected. It is our job of parents to help our child move from their downstairs brain to their upstairs brain before we discipline or teach.

How could I have helped move my daughter from her downstairs brain to her upstairs brain? Well, most importantly I should have remained calm. Yelling at her probably only increased the sense of threat she was feeling. I should have moved her away from the threat by taking her out of the car and given her a safe place next to me to calm down. Once I had helped her feel safe and created a connection with her, I could then teach her how to react when she feels threatened in the future. The key to remember is "Connect Before You Correct."

Remember, even parents can fall into their downstairs brain! Something I forgot when dealing with the big burp incident. We need to take time to calm ourselves down and move back into our upstairs brain before we try to teach our kiddos. It's okay to take a deep breath or a mommy or daddy time out to calm yourself down.

Welcome Back

Welcome to the 2017/2018 school year!

We are so excited to see our returning families and meet our new families in just a few short days. Our 3's preschool, 4-year-old preK and ECFE classes start on Monday, September 11th. Keep reading for learn more about all the great things going on in our District 833 early learning programs.

3's Preschool and 4-year-old preK
We are very excited that this year our 3's Preschool and 4-year-old preK programs are working closely to align with one another. Over the summer our teachers went through training on the new TS Gold assessment tool. The best part of this new tool is it can be used across our early learning programs because it is based on the developmental sequence that all kids go through.
Another way our preschool programs are striving for alignment is by choosing an overall focus on social emotional development. Research shows that a child's social and behavioral competency predicts their future academic success to a greater extent than their cognitive skills. Helping your child feel safe and connected at school is key to preparing them for the next big step, Kindergarten.
We are also very excited about our new Preschool Parent Text to Connect program. Parents who sign up for this program will receive information about child development and tips for encouraging their child's development. More information on this program and how to sign up will be coming soon.

ECFE
This year along with offering our age specific class we have several new classes including:
The Generous Child: How to Teach Generosity-this is a hybrid online class. Families will meet in person the first week to get to know one another and enjoy some parent/child activities. The next four weeks parents will utilize an online class format to learn more about how to encourage generosity in their child. The class will meet in person for the final week to do a family service project together.
Pinehaven Farm Field Trip- Families will enjoy a morning on the farm. Meeting and learning about animals and the farm. Transportation is provided to and from Central Park and the DPC.
We have also brought back our class for parents of multiples, Grandpa/Grandma and me, Saturday parent child activity class, and STEM. Be sure to check out our brochure at www.cecool.com for more information on all our class and events. Registration is still open for any classes with space available.

We want to thank you for trusting us with your child for the coming year. We look forward to getting know all of our families.

Summer Fun for Families

It's hard to believe that we are nearing the end of another fantastic year in ECFE!  Your teachers are incredibly thankful for the time and effort you've made to come to class.  Serving your family has been rewarding for each one of us.  Whether you are brand new to our program or have been coming for years, we hope that you move into your summer with new resources, friendships, and memories.

The final blog for this year will focus on some ways that you can enjoy your upcoming summer safely.  Secondly, there are many great activities to take in around the twin cities with your little ones and we'll highlight some that are particularly noteworthy.  Finally, we'll share a list of parenting books that may be worth taking to the beach on a lazy afternoon.

Safety

When you are the parent of small children, safety is at the forefront of your thoughts nearly every minute.  Everything in your environment may look like a potential hazard right now, especially if your child is becoming more independent by the day.  While making sure that you apply sunscreen and put a hat on your child are important reminders, there are even more things that you can do to ensure your child's safety.

• Never underestimate the power of supervision.  As tempting as it can be to send your child outside to play for a few minutes of quiet, remember that it doesn't take long for your child to find danger.  Taking turns supervising with a neighbor can help keep tabs on each other's  kiddos and keep everyone safe.
• Master water safety.  Keeping your child in a life jacket when they are near water is a must if they have not yet learned to swim.  Younger children are especially prone to being drawn to bodies of water.  Keeping an eye on them may not be enough.
• Pay attention to signs of heat-related illness.  Dressing in cool clothing, staying hydrated, getting out of the sun during the hottest parts of the day, and cooling off in a pool are great ways to beat the heat.
• Use child-friendly bug repellent.  Nobody likes bug bites and it can be difficult to help your child get comfortable when they're covered in them.  You may even be able to find a sunscreen with bug repellent in it!
• Discuss and practice a word that you can use with your child to help them immediately stop.  Some families use the word "freeze"!  Helping your child practice stopping right when you say "freeze" will give you some peace of mind in parking lots and streets.  Little ones may not understand the dangers that face them in these places.  Explaining safety to them and practicing safe strategies with them is a great idea.
• Use bike helmets!  Every time your child gets on a bike or scooter, make it a rule that they wear their helmets.  Even if your child is a passenger in a cart behind your bike, don't let them ride without one.  Model this rule by wearing one yourself. 

You can find additional summer safety tips at the following links:

https://www.cdc.gov/family/kids/summer/
http://www.parents.com/baby/safety/outdoor/child-summer-safety-rules/
http://www.naeyc.org/tyc/article/summer_safety_tips

Fun Family Activities

We are fortunate to live in a part of the country that is so beautiful in the summer!  If you've survived a Minnesota winter, you know that the warm, sunny days of summer are well deserved.  We'll look at some specific family-friendly places with websites for more information:

Como Park, Zoo, & Conservatory:  This little gem is just 15 minutes west on Interstate 94 and is a great destination for families.  Between the traditional zoo animals, fun at Como Town, the carousel, and the conservatory, families will have endless fun for very little money.  Take a picnic lunch and virtually everything else is free!  http://www.comozooconservatory.org/

Minnesota Children's Museum:  You may already be aware that the museum has been undergoing significant renovations.  The great news is that the grand opening is June 7th!  There are 10 new exhibits to explore and endless fun for little ones.  It's a perfect rainy day activity.  https://mcm.org/

Battle Creek Regional Park:  This beautiful park is just minutes from Woodbury and Cottage Grove and is packed with fun.  You'll enjoy a large playground, a dog park, picnic facilities, and the Battle Creek Waterworks facility (at a cost).  Check it out!  https://www.ramseycounty.us/residents/parks-recreation/parks-trails/find-park/battle-creek-regional-park

Edinborough Park (Edina):  If you're willing to drive a little further for some fun, Edinborough Park is one of the largest indoor playgrounds in the country.  Admission is $7.50 and is well worth the price.  There are several play areas, including a spot for toddlers.  Just remember to bring socks as they're required in this shoeless environment.  http://edinamn.gov/index.php?section=edinborough-park

Carver Lake Park & Beach:  For a great, little local beach, check out Carver Lake in Woodbury!  It's a beautiful spot nestled right in the middle of the city.  There are places to play, picnic, and swim.  Just remember that it is an unguarded beach...you'll need to keep a close eye on your little ones in the water.  https://www.woodburymn.gov/departments/parks_and_trails/carver_lake_park_beach.php

Other links for local family fun:
http://www.familyfuntwincities.com/
http://www.scarymommy.com/10-things-to-do-with-kids-in-the-twin-cities/
http://www.twincitiesfrugalmom.com/deals-events-calendar/

Summer Reading
If you enjoy reading and like to take the summer to catch up on all of the books you meant to read during the year, here is a short list to get you started.  Some of these titles are new and some are classics.  All are worth considering!  This was compiled with tips from parent educators all over the state of Minnesota:

"The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children" by Alison Gopnik

"Raising a Secure Child:  How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore" by Hoffman, Cooper, & Powell

"The Whole-Brain Child:  12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Siegel & Bryson

"No Drama Discipline:  The Whole Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind"  by Siegel & Bryson

"Between Parent and Child:  Revised and Updated:  The Best-Selling Classic that Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication"  by Haim Ginott & Alice Ginott

"Your Self-Confident Baby:  How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities--From the Very Start"  by Magda Gerber

"Three Key Years:  Talk-Read-Play-Sing To Support and Help Every Child in America"  by George Halvorson

"Brain Rules for Baby:  How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five"  by John Medina

"Simplicity Parenting:  Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids"  by John Payne and Lisa Ross

"NurtureShock:  New Thinking About Children"  by Poe Bronson & Ashley Merryman

From all of us at ECFE, we wish you a safe and fun summer.  Registration for fall classes will come later this summer so keep watching your mailboxes for the catalog!  We can't wait to see you back in September.



 

Cooperative Learning

Everyone has different reasons that they love attending ECFE.   Maybe you come for the amazing one on one time that you get with your child.  You may really enjoy the connection with other parents of little ones.  You might also love the quality early childhood education that you know your child experiences.  Undoubtedly, as educators, we're pretty proud of the program that we get to offer to your family!

Whatever your reason is for joining ECFE (and staying as long as some of you have), we're glad you're here.  During your time in ECFE, you have likely had a cooperative learning experience without even realizing it.  What exactly IS "cooperative learning"?  Well, according to Johnson, Johnson, & Holubec (2008), "Cooperation is working together to accomplish shared goals." They go on to say that "Cooperative learning is the instructional use of small groups so that students work together to maximize their own and each other's learning (p. 1:5)."  Have you experienced this concept in your parent education class?  If not, it's likely coming soon to a classroom near you!

Why should we learn cooperatively?  Cooperative learning leads to a number of positive outcomes.  First of all, as a learner, there are greater efforts to achieve.  This means that every learner is more productive and has greater intrinsic motivation to succeed.  Secondly, as groups work together, more positive relationships among students are fostered.  Valuing personal social support, diversity, and cohesion is something that fits naturally in ECFE.  Finally, cooperative learning leads to greater psychological health, including a greater ability to cope with adversity and stress.  You don't have to live with a toddler for very long before you start to understand stress! 

In all of our classes, we love connection.  Your educators love to see families connecting with one another in a way that fosters encouragement, stress relief, and lifelong friendships.  Coming together to participate in your own learning is one of the things your parent educators love the most to see!  The longer you're in the program, the more you see the benefits of cooperation among group members.

Johnson, Johnson, & Holubec also state that "the purpose of cooperative groups is to make each member a stronger individual in his or her own right (2008, pg. 6:18)."  How great is that?  Families that attend ECFE classes and work cooperatively with their peers to learn about healthy parent and child relationships become STRONGER.  As a result, your stress level is reduced, your understanding of your child is increased, and your relationship with your child is strengthened.  On top of that, along the way, you've come alongside your new friends to help them reach the same goals.  Amazing.

So the next time your parent educator asks you to turn to your neighbor to share, to read through a common parenting issue and problem solve in a small group, or to teach a new concept to a partner, just smile and know that you're in for a treat.  You're about to experience cooperative learning. 



Johnson, D. W., Johnson, R. T., & Johnson Holubec, E.  (2008).  Cooperation in the classroom
     (8th ed.).  Edina, MN:  Interaction Book Company.

Overindulgence?

What is overindulgence?  Some may say it's a second helping of dessert!  Some may say it's springing for those must have shoes that cost a little too much.  Some may even say that overindulgence is the spice of life and none of them would be wrong.  Overindulgence can be a fun way to treat ourselves after completing a big project or reaching a life goal.  It can be a way to reward ourselves after working hard at a job well done.

What about overindulgence with children, though?  What about the occasional treat or reward for a job well done?  What about buying the little toy at the store, just for fun?  Is that the spice of life or is it giving them more than they may need?  The line may be more thin than we realize.

Finding balance between too little and too much of anything is the key and it's not always easy.  If you feel like you struggle with this elusive thing called balance, then you are not alone.  In her book, How Much is Too Much?:  Everything you need to know to steer clear of overindulgence and raise likeable, responsible, and respectful children from toddler to teen (2004), Jean Illsley Clarke defines overindulgence in the following way:

"Overindulging children is giving them too much of what looks good, too soon, and for too long.  It is giving them things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents.  It is the process of giving things to children to meet the adults needs, not the child's.  Overindulgence is giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to be meeting the children's needs but does not, so children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty. (Clarke, 2004, pg. xvii)"

Let's read that again:  "Scarcity in the midst of plenty".  Does your child ever look around his or her toy room and exclaim that they're bored?!!  Or do they sit in their seat at a live character production that you paid a LOT of money to go to and say "this is BORING"?!!  Those are just examples, but may be a little window into their soul.  There's not much that's more frustrating for a parent than hearing their child complain when they are surrounded by So. Much. Stuff.

Clarke shares the three ways that we may be overindulging:

• Too Much:  this is really too much of anything.  It happens when we struggle with not understanding what "enough" is.
• Over-Nurturing:  overdoing, spoiling, giving too much attention, doing things for children that they should be doing for themselves, and not expecting children to think of others.
• Soft Structure:  lack of rules and expectations, not teaching important life skills, and shielding children from the natural consequences of their behaviors and choices.

Which one is hardest for you?  Why do you think that's the case?  And are you thinking "now that I know this, how in the world am I supposed to fix it"?  The first step in counteracting overindulgence is recognizing it.  Being aware that you struggle and keeping track of times that trigger it can be helpful.  Establishing healthy limits and boundaries with your children is the next step.  Allowing them to hear the words "no" or "not yet" now and then are more than ok.  And as they get a little older, enlisting them in a service project to help someone in need is a wonderful way to help them gain perspective. 

Some questions to ask yourself if you're concerned about overindulgence:

• Is this something my children really needs?
• Is my child helping in an age-appropriate way at home?
• Whose need am I trying to meet?  Theirs or mine?
• Is this activity or event taking too many of our family resources (time, money, attention)?
• What did this look like in my family of origin?

Another option is to check out Jean Illsley Clarke's book for yourself.  It's an excellent read!

And finally, remember that "occasional indulgences add color, pleasure, and joy to life.  When those same indulgences become a pattern, however, the result is very different  (Clarke, pg. 3)".  I'm not suggesting to swear off of all treats and everything fun.  Just watch for the pattern.

You Are Seen

I see you.  I know how tired and worn out you feel right now. 

Parenting is hard.  It's been said that it's the hardest job you'll ever love.  Today, you may feel like you want to throw in the towel and go back to bed.  Maybe you've felt that way for a very long time and you're wondering when you're going to feel like yourself again.  Maybe you're afraid that your personal struggles are impacting your child.  Maybe you're longing for happier days when the sun was shining and your mood felt lighter.

As a mom myself, I can tell you that I've been there.  There are days that I'm still there.  And at ECFE, you are surrounded by teachers, paraprofessionals, and other parents that have felt exactly the same way.  For some reason, though, we feel the need to keep it all together.  To look like we've got it all figured out and that parenting is a piece of cake.  Why do we do that?

For some, we may feel like parenting should be easier than it is.  We look at our new, fresh little one and while we know how much we love him or her, we feel a little bit like it's not what we signed up for.  Sleepless nights, constant feeding, and incessant crying bring us to the edge of ourselves.  And we allow ourselves to feel shame when we shouldn't, because sometimes it's just hard to have a new baby!

For some, the energy of our busy toddler is exhausting.  We get to the end of the day and realize that the toys are 2 feet deep across the living room, the little cherub is fighting sleep for what feels like hours, and your parenting partner isn't due home for a long time.  There's no end in sight, or so it seems.  And we allow ourselves to feel shame when we shouldn't, because sometimes it's just hard to have a toy-wrecking machine that refuses to sleep and only eats chicken nuggets and cheese.

For some, you've hit the school years and you thought you'd feel better about parenting...that somehow less time with your child would give you some relief...and you find that you spend a good chunk of your day thinking about the challenges that face him or her at school and you're tired.  You want the best for your children and you feel like somehow, you're letting them down.  And you allow yourself to feel shame when you shouldn't, because sometimes it's just hard to realize that we can't fix every difficulty that our kids encounter. 

Hold on, kind and worn out parent.  You are seen.

You are seen by the grandparent at the grocery store that offers to help bag your groceries so you can get out of the store more quickly with your crying baby or restless toddler.  You are seen by your neighbor that pops over with coffee and doesn't care how dirty your house is.  You are seen by your child's school teacher that reassures you that your kiddo is as awesome as you know they are.  And you are seen by us...your community at ECFE. 

Rest in the safety and kindness that your community provides.  Allow yourself to be transparent with at least a few close friends or family members, so you can know that you aren't alone.  One of our biggest goals for parents that attend our classes is that you'd feel welcome and supported.  Parenting is hard.  Finding a source of support is the best gift you can give yourself when the struggle is real. 

Release the shame.  "Unlike guilt, which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong." ~~Marilyn J. Sorensen.  You are the perfect parent for your child.  You are exactly what he or she needs.  You are enough.  We will all make parenting mistakes at one time or another, but that does not define our parenting.  It makes us human.  Your child will learn far more from your humanness than from your perfection. 

Reach out.  If you feel like the sadness just won't lift, reach out to your parent educator or your child's teacher.  They may have a resource for you that you haven't tried yet.  They can point you in the direction that's right for you, and most importantly, they will listen (even when your child doesn't!).

We are here and we are ready to help.  Hold on.  You are seen and cared for!

Finally, for more on releasing shame and embracing vulnerability, this book is an amazing read about life and parenting.  Check it out!

Are You Helping Your Child Too Much?

"Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed."-Maria Montessori

How often do you find yourself wondering if you're doing too much for your child?  Do you sometimes become frustrated that your little one isn't pitching in enough at home?  Do you feel as though your child may be capable of more than they let on?  If so, you're probably right!  Our intentions as parents are almost always pure and come from a place of love for our children.  We love them and want to help them.  Then suddenly, while picking up the toy room for the thousandth time, we feel bitter. 

The good news is that young children LOVE to feel capable and successful.  They feel good when they accomplish a difficult task and for the most part, they like to help.  At any moment, parents can decide to develop their child's "helper" mentality and this is good for the entire family!  It's been said that the child is a member of the family, not the center of the family.  When families decide to work together and each member has responsibilities, many hands can make light work. 

So now you're scratching your head, wondering what tasks are age appropriate for your little one.  You're in luck!  This blog should give you some ideas and resources for where to start:

Infants:  We all know that babies need a lot of assistance.  Their self-help skills are limited and it's unrealistic that we expect them to start carrying their weight around the house!  That being said, there are some self-help skills that you can encourage your baby to develop as they grow.  For instance, as baby grows, they can begin to participate and take charge of mealtime by feeding themselves, holding a cup or bottle, and sitting up and entertaining themselves through play.  As your child gains these skills, you may begin to see their role as an individual.  As hard as it can be to watch them become increasingly independent of you, you also get an up-close view of their successes.  The more they accomplish, the more capable they feel.  And that's pretty awesome for a parent to see! You can learn more about this here.

Toddlers:  These little bundles of love are usually much more capable than they get credit for!  By the time a child is two or three, they can start to help clean up toys, wash their own hands with some assistance, put clothes in the hamper, and start to learn to use the potty.  Every task may take 10 times as long as you'd like, but the joy you see on your child's face when you're able to praise them for a job well-done is priceless.  It's a good idea to build some extra time into your schedule whenever possible to accommodate your child's desire to "do it myself".

Preschoolers:  The great thing about preschoolers is that communication comes much more easily for them.  They are able to follow two to three step directions, fold easy laundry like socks and washcloths, pick up toys, and dress themselves.  They may love to brush their own teeth, but it's still a good idea for a parent to assist.  They may respond well to setting a timer and getting as many tasks done as they can in five minutes.  They will also love to help bag groceries at the grocery store.  The key to remember is that they may not accomplish the task in the same way that you would, but with gentle guidance, they will learn the tricks of the trade quickly!

If adults can surrender the desire for perfection, children can be cheerful helpers!  Growing a capable mind in your child is a gift to them and to you. 

More resources:

http://www.easternflorida.edu/community-resources/child-development-centers/parent-resource-library/documents/self-help-skills-chores.pdf

http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/documents/teaching_routines.pdf

https://www.verywell.com/preschooler-self-care-skills-2764714