Discipline Defined

The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciplina which means instruction and training. So, in short, discipline should be defined as teaching. Does this match your definition of discipline? I ask this question in my parent education classroom and most parents agree. They discipline to try and teach their child right from wrong. Unfortunately, what I find to be true both in my role as a parent educator and as a parent is, as parents, we often try to teach by punishment instead of actual teaching.  

At this point you might be wondering, am I teaching or am I punishing? What is the difference? Let's take a closer look at punishment first. 

• Punishment puts the responsibility for managing behavior on the adult instead of the child. As the adult, I must stop the behavior and enforce the punishment.
• The intent of punishment is to control behavior through fear. I also strongly believe that, without realizing it, parents often use punishment to make their child feel bad so they won't do that behavior again or won't act in a certain way. 
• Punishment may bring about short-term obedience but not necessarily long-term changes in behavior. A child may comply when you are present and able to enforce the punishment but not necessarily when you aren't there. This can lead to sneaky and manipulative behavior on the part of the child. 
• Punishments rely on outside motivation instead of intrinsic motivation. It does not teach children the skills they need to do something different in the future. 

Now let's take a look closer look at discipline as teaching. 

• Discipline starts with the adult but not in the same way as punishment. Instead it begins with our intention. If our intention is help our child reflect on their choices/actions, take responsibility and learn what to do instead, then we are teaching. It is important to remember we cannot teach our children if we are reacting emotionally to their behavior. We have to regulate our emotions first before we respond to our child. 
• Connection is the key to discipline. If discipline is about teaching, our children must be receptive to learning. We create connection by offering empathy to our child. We label their emotions and let them know we understand what they are going through. We might even offer a hug. These connection help children feel safe and loved which helps them be ready to learn. 
• Children who feel calm and safe are ready to reflect on their behavior and the impact on other. This allows kids to take responsibility for their behavior. 
• Discipline as teaching views misbehavior as a child telling us that they are missing skills. For example, I often have parents ask me how can I get my child to stop hitting. I will respond by asking what do you want your child to do instead. A common answer to this "not hit" but this doesn't help us teach the child what to do instead. A better answer is, I want my child to ask for help when they are frustrated or mad. This answer recognizes the child is missing the skills that help them when they are feeling those big emotions. 

Now that you can see the difference between discipline and punishment you might be wonder what next. How do I teach my child the skills they are missing? I will cover strategies that can help you teach in the next blog. In the meantime, I encourage you focus on the first two steps to discipline as teaching. Regulate yourself first so you can wisely respond to your child's behavior instead of blindly reacting. Try out one of these simple mindfulness techniques.    

• 3 x 3 Mindfulness
• Pick up three things.
• Name item 1. Breathe in, breathe out.
• Name item 2. Breathe in, breathe out.
• Name item 3. Breathe in, breathe out. 

• STOP Mindfulness
• Stop
• Take a Breath
• Observe
• Proceed                                                                     

Once you regulate yourself, you are ready to create a connection with your child. Label your child's emotions and show them empathy. Offer a hug to help your child feel safe and loved. By practicing these important steps you will be ready to start teaching instead of punishing. 

Taming Mealtime Madness

It's dinner time. What's happening at your house? I'm sure it looks something like this. Everyone is sitting at the table. Engaged in conversation, using their manners, eating what you made and talking about how delicious dinner is...Oh wait! I'm sorry. I was obviously transported to some sort of 1950's dreamland. If your family is anything like mine when my kids were little, someone has said EWW or GROSS! Someone has spilt their milk. Someone has climbed in and out of their seat 900 times.  And by the time I got to eat my food was cold. In other words, not necessarily a relaxing or enjoyable experience.

It goes without saying that mealtimes can be challenging with young children. There are several reasons for these challenges. Here are just a few:

1. Developmental-Young children can be naturally clumsy as they are learning how their body works and developing their motor skills. This can obviously lead to some messes. Another developmental challenge is a young child's attention span. Keep mealtime short; no more than 20 minutes. 
2. Picky Eaters-A common problem for many parents of toddlers is picky eating. Some kids are naturally more sensitive to tastes, smells and textures. Other times, kids discover that food is one of the things they can control. Also, they can learn their picky eating from their parents or other family members. It can take up to 20 times trying a new food for a child to know if they like it or not. 
3. Portion-sizes-I remember being very worried that my first was not eating enough when she was a toddler. My idea of portion-size was skewed. A good rule of thumb for kids is 1 Tbsp per year is a serving. So, a two-year-old would eat 2 Tbsp of peas to equal 1 serving of vegetable.

I could probably keep listing challenges, but it seems like it might be good to start looking at solutions. 

1. Set clear age-appropriate expectations and rules. 
2. Model your expectations. Say please and thank you. Eat a variety of food. Try new foods. 
3. Utilize the division of labor.
1. Parents' Jobs-Decide when, what, where and how the meal will be served. 
2. Children's Jobs-Decide what and how much to eat of the foods you offer. 
4. Cook one meal. Once your child has moved beyond eating purees and is eating bite-size pieces of food offer them the same food as you are eating, as long as there is no safety issue (i.e., choking hazard.) It can be helpful to include one food that you know your child will eat if you are offering something they might not like. I usually made sure to offer a fruit or vegetable that I knew my kids would eat. There were a few nights where all they ate was broccoli!
5. Take the emphasis off of food. That might seem like an odd idea. Isn't eating the purpose of mealtime? I have found that when I focused on what and how much my kids were eating, mealtimes tended to involve more arguments, complaining and were just generally not enjoyable for any of us. When we took the focus off of food and instead made the focus about spending time together, mealtimes became a much more pleasant experience. We would share highs and lows from our day. We also would take turns asking questions to get the conversation going. Check out The Family Dinner Project for some great conversation starter ideas. 
   
   
   
6. Involve your child in food prep. Let them choose foods to try at the grocery store. Give them age-appropriate jobs. Click here for a list of age-appropriate kitchen tasks.
7. Schedule snacks and meals throughout the day. Try not to feed your child a snack 2 hours before a meal. 

If you want to learn more about mealtimes and feeding young children, check out the The Ellen Satter Institute.