The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciplina which means instruction and training. So, in short, discipline should be defined as teaching. Does this match your definition of discipline? I ask this question in my parent education classroom and most parents agree. They discipline to try and teach their child right from wrong. Unfortunately, what I find to be true both in my role as a parent educator and as a parent is, as parents, we often try to teach by punishment instead of actual teaching.
At this point you might be wondering, am I teaching or am I punishing? What is the difference? Let's take a closer look at punishment first.
- Punishment puts the responsibility for managing behavior on the adult instead of the child. As the adult, I must stop the behavior and enforce the punishment.
- The intent of punishment is to control behavior through fear. I also strongly believe that, without realizing it, parents often use punishment to make their child feel bad so they won't do that behavior again or won't act in a certain way.
- Punishment may bring about short-term obedience but not necessarily long-term changes in behavior. A child may comply when you are present and able to enforce the punishment but not necessarily when you aren't there. This can lead to sneaky and manipulative behavior on the part of the child.
- Punishments rely on outside motivation instead of intrinsic motivation. It does not teach children the skills they need to do something different in the future.
Now let's take a look closer look at discipline as teaching.
- Discipline starts with the adult but not in the same way as punishment. Instead it begins with our intention. If our intention is help our child reflect on their choices/actions, take responsibility and learn what to do instead, then we are teaching. It is important to remember we cannot teach our children if we are reacting emotionally to their behavior. We have to regulate our emotions first before we respond to our child.
- Connection is the key to discipline. If discipline is about teaching, our children must be receptive to learning. We create connection by offering empathy to our child. We label their emotions and let them know we understand what they are going through. We might even offer a hug. These connection help children feel safe and loved which helps them be ready to learn.
- Children who feel calm and safe are ready to reflect on their behavior and the impact on other. This allows kids to take responsibility for their behavior.
- Discipline as teaching views misbehavior as a child telling us that they are missing skills. For example, I often have parents ask me how can I get my child to stop hitting. I will respond by asking what do you want your child to do instead. A common answer to this "not hit" but this doesn't help us teach the child what to do instead. A better answer is, I want my child to ask for help when they are frustrated or mad. This answer recognizes the child is missing the skills that help them when they are feeling those big emotions.
Now that you can see the difference between discipline and punishment you might be wonder what next. How do I teach my child the skills they are missing? I will cover strategies that can help you teach in the next blog. In the meantime, I encourage you focus on the first two steps to discipline as teaching. Regulate yourself first so you can wisely respond to your child's behavior instead of blindly reacting. Try out one of these simple mindfulness techniques.
- 3 x 3 Mindfulness
- Pick up three things.
- Name item 1. Breathe in, breathe out.
- Name item 2. Breathe in, breathe out.
- Name item 3. Breathe in, breathe out.
- STOP Mindfulness
- Stop
- Take a Breath
- Observe
- Proceed
