The Hidden Strengths in Your Child's "Misbehavior"

Misbehavior is defined as "the act of misbehaving; bad behavior." I will be honest; I don't like the word misbehavior for a couple of different reasons. First and foremost, it has been said that "Thinking your child is behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through their distress." Secondly, I have found when we think our child is misbehaving there is an assumption, they are intentionally doing something wrong and have the ability to do something more appropriate. The reality is most of the time when our kids misbehave, they are struggling with something and need our help. For the purposes of this blog, I am going to use the term misbehavior to help illustrate how children's strengths are often hidden in their misbehavior.

Think about when and how your child typically misbehaves. Usually, our children misbehave when they are trying to get something they want or avoid something they don't want. It makes sense that if your child is trying to get something they want or avoid something they don't want, they will utilize their strengths. Again, I want to caution that even though your child is using their strengths, they are probably not intentionally doing something wrong, or they lack the ability to do something more appropriate. At my houses this meant different things for each of my kids. My oldest daughter was a talker, and she would engage us in an argument until we wanted to scream. And sometimes we did! My middle daughter was a physical kid. This meant she would often grab or hit. My son used his emotions. He would cry big old crocodile tears. I would like to tell you that I was always able to reframe the ways I saw these behaviors to see them as strengths but that was not always the case. I fell into the trap that is so easy for parents to do. I got caught up in the frustration I felt over these behaviors and tried to stop them through punishment instead of harnessing them as a strength to help my child overcome their distress. 

So, what does this mean for parents? We need to reframe how we think about misbehavior. Parents need to shift their focus from what is wrong with the behavior to seeking out the strengths that their child is utilizing in the moment. Once we do this, we can help our child use those strengths in a more positive and constructive way. 

It is important to remember that in the moment of misbehavior, your child might not be ready to shift to using their strength in a more appropriate way. Parents need to connect with their child to make them feel safe and loved in these moments of misbehavior. Think about what helps your child feel calm. Some kids need physical affection; others need their emotions named; and others need time and space to work through their emotions with you nearby. Providing this connection with your child can sometimes feel like you are rewarding bad behavior. You are actually getting them ready to learn so you can teach them how to use their strength in an appropriate way. 

Once you have connected with your child it is time to help them think about how to use their strengths in a different way. My 15-year-old son is a champion complainer. One of his chores is to unload and load the dishwasher a few times a week. He conveniently "forgets" to do his job, until he is reminded. He really dislikes it when I tell him he has to do the dishes right now or at a specific time. This typically leads to a lot of complaining. I have some choices when he starts to complain. I can ignore him or argue with him about how he doesn't have too many chores or give him more chores for complaining. Believe me, I have tried all of these things but none of them motivate him to do his chore without me getting involved. So, instead let's reframe this misbehavior into a strength. Children who complain are aware of problems and have the potential to be good problem-solvers. Taking a strengths-based approach to our chore problem could look like this: "I have noticed you have a problem with me telling you when to do the dishes. You like to be in charge of when that happens. What solutions do you have so you do the dishes without me nagging you? 

A common problem parents of younger children face is kids avoiding picking up after themselves. They are determined to move onto the next fun activity. We can recognize their determination and reframe it as a strength. "You are determined to go outside. I wonder how quickly you could pick up your toys if you used your determination to do it. Then we can go outside." 

What are the hidden strengths in some common misbehaviors? Connected Families provides the follow list to help parents recognize their child's strengths:

• Arguing/Backtalk-Honesty, strong feelings/opinions, confidence
• Bossiness/Strong Will-Leadership, assertiveness
• Complaining-Awareness of problems, potential for good problem-solving
• Defensiveness-Strong sense of right and wrong
• Impulsiveness-Energy, living in the moment, quick responses
• Lying-Creativity, good memory, desire to keep the peace
• Stubbornness-Determination, intensity of focus
• Whining-Persistence, insight into people (and what makes parents give in)
• Yelling-Expressiveness, desire to be understood

Think about a common way your child misbehaves. What possible strengths might be hidden in that misbehavior? What are some ways you can let your child know that you see their strength? How could you teach them to use their strength in more appropriate ways? 

 

Have You Heard about Parent Consultations?

Being a parent comes with many joys but also many questions. Sometimes when questions arise, parents might not know where to turn to for support and reliable advice. South Washington County Schools Early Learning offers free ECFE Parent Consultations to families with children birth to age 8. Keep reading to learn more about our different types of Parent Consultations and meet our licensed parent educators who provide consultations. 

What are ECFE Parent Consultations?

We offer two types of consultations, early childhood and new baby visits. Each consultation is uniquely designed to meet your family's goals and concerns. The parent educator has the opportunity to visit with the parent(s) and possibly meet the child too. The consultation can take place at the family's home, virtually or at school. The number of visits is determined by your family and the parent educator. There may be only one visit if the parents have a single question or feel confident that the behavior they care concerned about is a typical stage in a child's development. 

 

What can I expect during an ECFE Parent Consultation?

Once you have requested a parent consultation or new baby visit, one of our parent educators will contact you via phone to set up an appointment. During your first visit, a plan of action is developed by your family and the parent educator. The parent educator supports your family by offering researched strategies that are developmentally appropriate, guidance in navigating resources, and sharing community resources. Parent educators may also provide resources like visual schedules, make-and-take activities, helpful book titles for parents and children, and much more. 

Why might you want to schedule an ECFE Parent Consultation?

New Baby visits are a great option for families who have welcomed a new baby. These visits are designed to help families adjust to life with a new baby. Some common topics that are covered include baby development, sleep, infant feeding, and nutrition. Miss Kathy, our Parent/Infant specialist asked some families who participated in new baby visits why they opted to do one. Parents of older children might reach out to request an early childhood parent consultation for similar reasons as well. Here are some of their answers:

“We had been home from the hospital for a little while - long enough for the realization to set in that whether or not we knew what we were doing, here we were taking care of this baby! In the hospital there is always someone coming to check in, help you, make sure you know what to do. Then there is the first doctor appointment, and we had a home visit from a nurse as well in those first couple days. And then after that…. Nothing until the 1-month appointment. We were so nervous about waiting a whole month before anybody saw him, or we could ask questions. It helped us to settle in and to know that we were indeed doing ok when we met with you.” Being a parent IS overwhelming and difficult. Understanding typical developing behavior as well as learning to trust what we know about our babies and children is a part of the process…Receiving information on all that can support learning as parents.

“Comfort, peace of mind, expert knowledge, friendly community resource.” Knowing you are not alone can be a benefit and finding out resources and information that can help make your journey easier.

Early childhood consultations are often requested by parents who have questions about toilet training, effective discipline strategies, routines, sleep, developmental questions, school readiness and so much more. 

What are the benefits of ECFE Parent Consultations?

Parents report many benefits following parent consultations:

• Feeling supported in their role as a parent
• Identifying family strengths
• Increased awareness of their child's development
• New "tools" to use in daily parenting
• Activities to support development and school readiness
• Feeling more connected to the school. 

Who are the ECFE Parent Educators? 

Courtney Braatz is a licensed parent educator who has several roles in our program including Early Childhood Screening, Preschool Liaison, and teaching ECFE classes. Miss Courtney has been a licensed parent educator and ECFE teacher for 15 years. 

Carol Hagland is a licensed parent educator. She also works with Early Childhood Screening, Preschool Liaison and teaches ECFE classes. Miss Carol has been a licensed parent educator and ECFE teacher for over 25 years. 

Kathy Morris is a licensed parent educator, Parent/Infant Specialist and Lactation Consultant. Miss Kathy teaches our New Parent Connection classes, ECFE Classes and provides our new baby visits. Miss Kathy has been a parent educator for 30 years. 

How can I sign up for a consultation?

To request a FREE early childhood parent consultation or new baby visit please visit https://bit.ly/2SPZt9v

or contact our ECFE Outreach Coordinator at bquist@sowashco.org or 651-425-7163.

Being a parent is a tough job. Love is largely an act of perseverance! Sometimes our parenting cup is running on empty. ECFE Parent Consultations can connect you with someone that will come along side you and support what you are learning and noticing about your baby or child...Because YOU know your baby or child best. And then, connect you with parent friendly tools and resources that can help make your job as a parent easier!

Sometimes...I don't like my kids!

So, I am going to be really honest and just say it. There have been times in my life as a parent when I haven't liked my kids. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved my kids with the fiercest of love; but there have been moments in time, days, weeks, or entire stages when I haven't liked my kids. I think most if not all parents can probably relate to having negative feelings about their child. Which brings up the questions, if most parents have negative feelings about their child at some point, why isn't it something we talk about? We hear about all the wonderful positive feelings, like calmness, unconditional love, delight, joy, and acceptance but, we don't talk about the fact that there will be times when we have strong negative feelings about our children. This leaves parents feeling guilt and shame when they do dislike their child. I am here to tell you that it is okay. You don't always have to like your child all the time. 

That being said, if you are feeling like you don't like your child it is a good time to think about why you are feeling that way. 

Our kids are dependent upon us. Parents spend all day, day after day, year after year, taking care of their child. And even though they are dependent upon us, kids can be exacting, taxing and sometimes downright unpleasant to us. It is understandable for parents to harbor negative feelings for their child when they feel they are giving so much to their child. 

Kids are like a flashlight. What I mean by this is our kids' behaviors or actions can shine a light on things that make us feel uncomfortable or that we don't like about ourselves. As a child, I was responsible for helping with specific chores around the house. I remember feeling like my sisters and I had to do all the work. Of course, as an adult I can recognize that my mom was trying to teach us how to take care of things and needed our help to keep the house clean since she was busy working. With my own kids I opted to not assign them chores. Instead, they were expected to help when they were asked whether it was picking up toys or sorting laundry. I didn't want them to feel the same way I did when I was a child. This worked well with my oldest but my younger two kids would complain and often throw a fit about having to help. I would get very angry because in my mind they should be grateful that they weren't expected to do a bunch of chores. This led to me having negative feelings about my kids. Circle of Security Parenting refers to this as our Shark Music. Our experience as children shapes the way we experience feelings as an adult. Check out this great video to learn more about Shark Music.

A lot of the time when we think "I don't like my kid" what we really mean is I don't like their behavior. Take a look at what it is that causes you to think "I don't like my kid." What behaviors trigger this thought for you? Is your child being clingy or whiny? Maybe they are being more defiant than usual or requiring more of your help with activities they should be able to do on their own. Determining what behaviors are behind these negative feelings about your child can help you lessen them. Once you have identified the behavior you can try to correct that behavior. I spent a lot of time feeling like I didn't like my oldest daughter when she was 12. She took everything I said as criticism and would be very rude to me. One strategy I tried during this time was to offer a redo when she was being rude. I would ask her to rewind and start the conversation over. This helped her reset the way she was talking to me and gave me a chance not to react to her rudeness but instead try to respond to what she was saying in a thoughtful way. I have seen a similar tactic work with younger children as well. My friend frequently tells her kids, "What I think you mean to say was...." This approach draws her kids' attention to the way they are speaking to her so they can change it to a more appropriate manner. 

Sometimes it is us and not them. There are times when the chaos of everyday life make us feel overwhelmed, stressed, or not supported which makes us react to fairly normal actions by our children with negative feelings. Maybe you needed more help from your spouse to make bedtime go smoothly. Or perhaps, you resent feeling like you are constantly having to go from one place to another to get your kids to their activities. Determining what you need in order to feel supported and lessen your stress can help you lessen the negative feelings you have about your child. Maybe you need to cut back on the number of activities your family participates in or maybe you need to create a homework or bedtime routine that works better for you. 

You don't have to be the perfect parent. There are going to be times when you mess up as a parent and that's okay. Sometimes when we make mistakes as parent it can lead us to have negative feelings about our child, almost as if it is their fault we yelled or withdrew our attention from them or said something harsh. Recognize when you have made a mistake. Tell your child you are sorry. This is a valuable opportunity for your child to see that no one is perfect and how to fix things when you have done something wrong. It can also help make both you and your child feel better after a negative interaction. 

Remember your don't have to like your child all the time. However, if you are stuck in a rut where your are frequently having negative feelings about your child it might be time to reach out for some help. This could be as simple as talking about how you are feeling with a good friend. ECFE also offers free parent consultations with one of our parent educators. Sign up here for a consultation. 

 

Early Childhood Mental Health

Mental health has been at the forefront of many people's minds as we continue to live in the midst of a pandemic. When we talk about mental health it is important to remember that mental health is not just an adult issue. In fact, we are beginning to hear more and more about concerns around childhood mental health. To help us learn more about early childhood mental health we reached out to Katie Zacharias, MA, LMFT, IMH-E, Supervisor of Early Childhood Mental Health at Canvas Health. 

What does it mean when we talk about childhood mental health? Zero to Three defines early childhood mental health as "the developing capacity of the child, birth to 5 years of age, to form close and secure adult and peer relationships; experience, manage and express a full range of emotions; and explore the environment and learn-all in the context of family, community and culture."

How does early childhood mental health differ from adult mental health? When we think about mental health we often think of things like depression, schizophrenia, or anxiety. It can be tempting to look for things in children that mirror these types of mental health issues in children. However, according to Harvard University's Center on the Developing Child, childhood mental health issues are more commonly seen as behavior problems or a child who has difficulty regulating their emotions. It is important to note that these can be sign of mental health issues but can also just be difference in normal development. According to Zacharias, childhood mental health must be viewed through the lens of relationships and how the child uses relationships to regulate their emotions and explore and learn. 

What does good childhood mental health look like? A mentally healthy child is a child who is curious and exploring their world. Zacharias also states, "“Good” mental health, though different for each child, starts with the safe and secure attachment to a caregiver(s). It is in this secure relationship; a child develops the skills for regulation which are the building blocks for good mental health." Children with "good" mental health are able to express and receive love and affection. They are also able to experience big emotions like anger and frustration and be able to calm with some help from adults in their lives.  

What are signs that there might be a concern about a child's mental health? Zacharias states, "again, I am looking at how this child is able to use adult caregivers for support in their regulation of emotions, behaviors, and attention. There is a broad spectrum of what may be considered developmentally appropriate. Mental health services may be helpful whenever we see a child’s skills for regulation fall outside of the developmental norm. Educators and childcare providers are excellent resources for parents in helping them understand when a child’s behaviors may be falling outside of the developmental norm."

What are the biggest risk factors to early childhood mental health? Mental health is a combination of genes and experiences. The Center on the Developing Child explains that there is an interplay between a child's genes and their experiences as they develop. Children who have adverse childhood experiences or toxic stress are at a greater risk for developing mental health problems. Zacahrias says, "We often say, “Too much stress, over too long of a time, with too little caregiver support.”

What are some things parents can do to help encourage healthy childhood mental health? According to Zacharias, becoming a "regulating partner" for your child is one step parents can take to encourage healthy childhood mental health. "A regulating partner is someone who can stay regulated in the face of their child’s dysregulation—a calm in the child’s emotional storm. When parents can support their child’s exploration, curiosity, and natural drive for learning, while also welcoming their child in when they are in need of nurturance and support. A parent who supports mental health is able to be (much of the time because none of us are perfect and we don’t need to be) “bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind.”"

What are other resources that can help parent's support their child's early childhood mental health? 

• https://zero-to-three-review.herokuapp.com/espanol/infant-and-early-childhood-mental-health
• https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/
• https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-early-childhood-mental-health/
• Wellspring Grant videos available under Parent Resources
• If you feel you or your child could use mental health support, you can contact https://www.canvashealth.org/

Traditons...They're More than Just the Holidays!

When you hear the words, Family Traditions, what comes to mind? For many of us, we think of the holidays we celebrate. Whether your family celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Ramadan or Diwali or any of the other amazing holidays from around the world, the traditions around these holidays are important. Children learn about their culture, heritage and possibly religion through holiday traditions. 

It is important to remember that traditions go beyond just what we do for the holidays. According to Meg Cox, author of The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Rituals for Holidays and Every Day, traditions are "anything big or small, that families perform together deliberately, providing there is repetition or dramatic flourish that elevates the activity above the ordinary grind." Cox further explains, "even simple activities can be transformed into a satisfying and memorable rituals, such as singing a certain song whenever you give your child medicine, or always declaring an evening study break for hot cocoa on winter weeknights." 

Family traditions have many benefits for children. 

• Family traditions create good memories. Think back to your own childhood. What positive memories do you have? More than likely these memories are connected to family traditions. My mom took us camping during summers when I was a child. These camping trips always included a lot of fun whether it was sitting around the campfire making smores or riding our bikes or playing games around the campsite. 
• Family traditions builds consistency. Kids like know what will happen and what to expect. In fact, they thrive on these things. Traditions help build this consistency. 
• Family traditions connect us together. One of our family's traditions is to have family meals together. As my kids have grown these don't happen every night, but it is still a priority for us. Family meals are a time for us to connect with our kids and hear about their days and when they were young, we shared our highs and lows during dinner. Building these connections are extremely beneficial. Studies show that kids who are able to cope with challenges in life are the ones who are bonded and close to their families. 
• Family traditions help build our sense of identity. Our traditions tell us who we are and what we do as a family. Playing kickball in our yard is a big tradition at my house. Our family has a healthy sense of competition. We like to compete with one another through games and sports. Our after-dinner kickball games throughout the summer helped foster this in our kids. They have carried that sense of competition into other parts of their lives, whether competing to do well in school or working hard to achieve their goals in their favorite sports. 
• Family traditions help teach family values. The traditions we do with our families help communicate our values to our children. One tradition my family had was our annual toy review. We would go through all of the toys in the house and determine if it was something the kids still played with. Any toys that they had outgrown were then donated. Now that our kids are older and don't really have toys, we have switched to adopting a family during the holidays to help make sure the family has a special holiday. Our kids look forward to this every year and know that it is important to us to share what we have with others. 
• Family traditions give us something to look forward to. Prior to Covid, my husband traveled a lot for his work. A few years ago, he started a tradition of taking each one of our kids and at least one of their friends on one of his work trips. They would spend a few extra days doing fun activities. Our kids and their friends looked forward to this trip every year. This is such an important tradition for our family that after having to skip it the summer of 2020, we ended taking all five of us plus five of my kids' friends on a trip to San Diego this summer! My husband wasn't traveling enough to fit in three separate trips so we decided to do one big trip together so our kids wouldn't have to miss out on this for another year. 
• Family traditions are fun. Whether we are playing kickball in the yard or taking a trip or sitting down to eat a meal together, our family enjoys the time we spend together doing our family traditions. An added benefit to this fun component of family traditions is that participating can increase the positive mood of everyone in your family. This can make other more routine parts of your day easier to manage. 

Now that we have talked about why family traditions are so important, let's talk about how to start traditions for your family. 

• Turn part of a routine into a tradition. Our bedtime routine was very important for our kids when they were little. It included the usual things like brushing teeth, putting on pajamas and reading a book but each of our kids had their own special song that my husband and I sang to them before they went to sleep. This is what turned our routine into a tradition. 
• Keep it simple. Traditions do not have to be elaborate or complicated to be meaningful. Every time I drop my kids off before one of their sporting events, I give them a fist bump and say, "Play hard. Have fun." This may seem like something simple and almost meaningless, but I know that it is meaningful to my kids. In fact, just last night as I was heading out the door to go to my hockey game, my son said, "Hey mom, play hard. Have fun." 
• Do things that you enjoy. My family enjoys playing sports so many of our traditions are tied to playing sports together, like kickball in the yard. If your family enjoys music, have a dance party after dinner. If you enjoy art, spend time creating together as a family. 
• Volunteer as a family. Spend time helping others as a family. You can volunteer with various organizations, or you can do simple things like picking up trash in a neighborhood park or make a special treat to share with a neighbor. Not only can you have fun, but you are also teaching your children the importance of helping and being kind to others. 
• Spend time 1-on-1 with your child. Our family did monthly 1-on-1 dates. One month I would take each of my daughters out for a special date and my husband would take our son. The next month we would switch. These dates were simple. Sometimes we would go for a bike ride or to the park. Other times we would go out for ice cream or dinner. The important thing was our kids got to pick what we did, and we got to spend time 1-on-1 with each of our kids. 

The traditions you do with your children help to shape who they become. They build good memories and will quite possibly be something that your children continue to do with their own children someday. Remember, traditions aren't about doing more. Traditions are about taking what you are doing and being intentional about doing them. What are some of your family's favorite traditions? 

Gratitude, It Might Just be a Superpower!

Gratitude is more than just saying, "Thank you." In fact, it may just be a superpower. One that can make you and your children happier. The Journal of Happiness Studies found that by the age of 5 there is a connection between happiness and gratitude. In other words, teach your children gratitude and they may be happier people now and in the future. Another study published in the Journal of School Psychology found that "grateful children (ages 11 to 13) tend to be happier, more optimistic and have better social support. They also report more satisfaction with their school, families, communities, friends and themselves." 

And if this isn't enough to convince you that gratitude might be a superpower, studies in adults have shown benefits like, better mental and physical health, better sleep, higher levels of happiness and hopefulness and even longer lifespans. Research has also shown gratitude for past experiences can increase current levels of happiness and provide a more hopeful outlook on the future. Gratitude is a superpower that can have a tremendous impact on our lives and the lives of our kids. So, let's start teaching our kids how to be grateful from a young age. Here are some strategies to get you started. 

Teach your child to say, "Thank you." I know, I know. I just told you there is so much more to gratitude than saying thank you, but this a good place to start. The best way for kids to learn to say thank you is to hear us saying it too. Model saying thank you frequently. Thank the clerk at the store, the waiter at the restaurant, and thank your child too. You can also encourage your child to say thank you with gentle reminders. "What do you say to grandma for your new shirt" or "Your friend gave you a turn with the toy. Make sure you say thank you." When you hear your child say thank you be sure to provide positive feedback. "I really liked how you said thank you to your friend for having you over to play." 

Use gratitude questions to help your child think about what it means to be thankful. This is how we move beyond just saying, "thank you." We know that children and adults can fall into the trap of saying thank you because it is what is expected, not necessarily what they feel. Asking gratitude questions helps us truly understand what it means to be grateful. According to Very Well Mind, the Raising Grateful Children Project at UNC Chapel Hill has shown there are 4 parts to gratitude:

1. Noticing-identify the things you are grateful for
2. Thinking-giving thought to how you got those things
3. Feeling-recognizing the way you feel because of the things you have received
4. Doing-how do you show that you are grateful

As parents we tend to focus on how children show gratitude. According to Very Well Mind, "While 85% of parents said they prompted their kids to say, "thank you," only 39% encouraged children to show gratitude in ways that went beyond good manners. In addition, only a third of parents asked their child how a gift made them feel, and only 22% asked why they thought someone had given them a gift." We can ask the following questions from the UNC Researchers to help move our kids beyond just saying, "thank you," to being truly grateful. 

1. Notice-What do you have in your life to be grateful for? What can you be grateful for beyond just things you have? Who are the people in your life that you are grateful for?
2. Think-What do you like about this present? Why do you think the person gave you this gift? Should you give the person who gave you this gift something? 
3. Feel-How do you feel about this gift? Why do you feel this way?
4. Do-How can you show how you feel about this gift? What could you do to help someone else feel the same way? 

Do acts of kindness with your children. These can be small acts like holding the door open for people behind you to big acts like shoveling your neighbor's driveway in the winter. Be sure to talk about why we do nice things for other people. 

Model gratitude for your children. We know that kids learn a lot by watching us. They do what we do. If your children see you saying, "thank you," talking about being grateful, writing thank you notes and doing acts of kindness, they will be more like to do those things on their own. 

Use tools to help your family focus on gratitude. Work as a family to play games and create projects that help you talk about and show gratitude. One possible idea to implement a 30 Days of Gratitude calendar. 

For more gratitude activities and projects check our South Washington County Schools Early Learning Facebook page.

Make gratitude part of your daily routine. Set a specific time and choose a specific activity to help your family talk about and show gratitude on a daily basis. Some families like to have each family member share something they are grateful for during a family mealtime. Other families might incorporate an activity like this into bedtime. Having a gratitude routine helps make practicing gratitude a habit.

See the silver lining. Disappointing things happen to all of us. Look for things to be grateful for despite whatever difficulty is happening and point this out to your child. Your child can't play outside because of the weather. Tell them how you are happy you get to play board games with them instead. Ask your child to think of something good that could come for a difficult situation. 

Making gratitude a priority in your home will lead to many positive benefits, including higher levels of happiness, for you and your kids. What will you do today to start building gratitude in your home? 

Together is Better!

If you are anything like me, there are moments throughout your day where you feel frazzled and stressed. Grocery shopping, planning, and making meals, getting kids to and from practice, helping with homework and planning and preparing my work all tend to be things that for me can add to my daily stress. Sometimes all these things feel like they are happen at the same time, and while I might want to simply drop everything and dissolve into tears, I don't usually do that. I can utilize coping skills and tools to help me stay calm and navigate these tough moments. Sometimes it is taking a few deep breaths. I also use tools like online grocery shopping and curbside pick-up to make these chores less time consuming. Sometimes I phone a friend to talk it all out. 

Babies and young children have not yet developed these coping skills. This means that when they experience moments of stress, they are far more likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears or have a tantrum. They are overwhelmed by what is happening and crying out for help. It is in these moments that our child relies on us to be a soothing and calming presence. Zero to Three refers to this as "sharing your calm." Here are a few easy steps to follow to help you practice co-regulation with your child. 

Label your child's emotions. It is important to remember that what we might view as silly or frivolous can feel like a very big deal to our child. Do not dismiss your child's feeling. Label it. "You are so sad that your balloon popped." 

Build a connection with your child. For some children, that might be offering a hug. Other children might need you to get them their favorite stuffed animal or blanket. And other children might just need to know that you are nearby and ready to help once they are ready. You know your child best. Think about how they like to connect with you and use something similar when they are feeling these big emotions. 

Take slow deep breaths with your child. Children aged 2 and up are usually able to start taking deep breaths as a calming technique. Be sure to practice taking deep breaths when your child is already calm. Incorporate deep breathing into your daily routine. An easy way to teach deep breathing is to use Smell the Flower, Blow out the Candle. Hold up 5 fingers. Tell your child to smell the flower. Then blow out the candle slowly. Put down one finger. Repeat until all 5 fingers are down. You can also use deep breathing with younger children as well. Take deep breaths while holding your child. In the same way that babies and young children can sense when you are feeling stressed, they can also sense your calm. 

Use a calm, soothing voice as another way to "share your calm." Sing your child's favorite song while snuggling them. Give your child a back rub. Put your child in a safe place and stay close by while giving them time to work through their emotion. 

Let's be real. It is not always easy to use co-regulation. I know when my children were little it was hard to hear them cry or watch them have a tantrum. Sometimes I would feel stressed, anxious, mad, or overwhelmed. This would sometimes lead to me reacting by yelling, instead of responding calmly. Trust me when I tell you that when I reacted instead of responding calmly it was never helpful. In fact, it always made it worse for both me and my child. 

There are some steps parents should take before they try co-regulation with their child. Check how you are feeling. Are you feeling stressed, angry, or overwhelmed? Don't forget to check your physical state as well. Are you hungry, tired, or sick? Once you have checked yourself, do something to take care of yourself. Take a couple deep breaths to calm yourself. Release some tension by doing a few jumping jacks or shaking your arms around. Once you have taken care of yourself, you are ready to help your child. 

The next time your child is experiencing big emotions, try one of these suggestions to help "share your calm." Remember, these are just a few of the ways that we can help co-regulate our children. We would love to hear from you. What are some other ways you have found to "share your calm" with your child?